The Darkest Hours Hold the Brightest Dreams

I miss this day. This was a few years back during a ridiculous summer when Nikky was staying with me for a little while. We took David and Kelsey in to Chicago with us to visit Jeff and to wander IKEA and all the crazy little shops we could think of. It was a good day. There were some things about it that I wish I could erase from memory, but I've realized that even the best days have a bit of weird, rash, or painful mixed into them.

Today I am recovering from a lot of NyQuil and a lot of sleep due to something weird I started feeling at some point yesterday and was completely miserable from. If you're wondering, I'm doing alright, but it left me in that almost hungover feeling that coming out of a lot of cold meds seems to induce. I've also realized that I'm pretty sure that it also helped me question things. Maybe I should just avoid all cold meds and perhaps I should just sleep more and question less.

I should definitely question less.

Unfortunately that doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do questions follow.

After a week of wondering what the heck was wrong with the iPod, I finally got to talk to Jordan via the texting on the iPod. Yeah. That was a good time. It may sound silly, but going for that long without our ridiculous Room Service Game made me incredibly antsy, and I was pleased to talk to him on Friday and know he was very much still alive. Nothing could have pleased me more at that point.

Today though I started wondering, (sorry about the lack of segues) if perhaps the reason that I struggle with people anymore is that I cannot talk. I try not to talk on the phone. Facebook and this crazy blog are really the only places I open my stupid mouth. Probably for that exact reason too. Whenever I start to talk to other people I want to sing John Mayer's "Stupid Mouth." All the frickin' time.

How on earth are you going to meet people or get to know people if you never say any words? Really? Is there a way to do that? I haven't found it so far.

Sure, I think writing letters would work for that, but how are you supposed to do that at this point? No guy I have ever met has ever wanted to write a letter back. Can I blame them? No. Because it's probably pretty lame to most people or even if they like the letters they probably never feel like they have the words.

Do any of us really have the words?

I have so, so many words. I just am never sure they're the right ones.

Then again, maybe I'm just too much of coward to find out. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not enough.

There's a line in the song "The Time is Wrong" by Tickle Me Pink where he sings, "the darkest hours hold the brightest dreams..." I'll find them. Those dreams.

The night will get brighter again, and the darkness will sleep with my dreams.

I Want a Box of Kleenex, Sleep, and Self-Confidence

I should never ever ever be online or alone late at night. It's bad. Well, being alone late at night really isn't bad. I just don't like being the only person in my house late at night. I feel pathetic saying that. I'm 24. I should be able to handle living alone. And being alone.

Aparently no.

Why do I suck at this?

Is it because I am use to living in a house with 5 other people and 2 cats? Is it because she's just a big wimp or something?

Probably.

Perhaps I'm just not meant to be alone.

And really, I'm not alone. My beautiful Bible is sitting right next to me and I have the promise of tomorrow to look forward to. I'll get to go see friends, and God is, as always, filling my heart. Even late in the evening when I feel very much alone...there's always more.

On a random note, I will now make a list of things that I have recently managed to try/do/teach myself for the first time:

• Taught myself how to use the Ice Tea Maker Regina gave Amber and I
• Used a garbage disposal
• Been into every room of our apartment (I didn't touch Amber's stuff, but I did just walk through her room, it felt weird to have never done that before)
• Hung out with just Jake by myself (including being in the car with him just by myself)
• Babysat for Zach & Zuaquis
• Had dinner with Bob & Nola by myself
• Went to SC (FINALLY!)
• Taken advantage of someone actually offering me a place to stay
• Used a GPS system to get somewhere
• Taught myself how to program my coffee maker
• Watched "Glee"
• Stayed in my apartment by myself
• Slept on a bed with a memory foam topper (I want one)
• Asked my father for advice with guys
• Asked my uncle to talk to someone for me so that I didn't have to fight the urge to hit them
• Driven Amber's car
• Had blisters the size of quarters develop on my feet (that one better never happen again)
• Get someone else hooked on poptarts
• Toasted marshmallows on the stove
• Babysat for some turtles (Did you know that turtles can actually get excited to see people? It's true. I've seen it.)
• Let Mitch and then Calvin drive my car
• Talked to my cousin Hillary on the phone (and it didn't even feel forced or awkward. I forget how completely cool she is.)
• Protect a baby snake from being attacked by a bunch of scared girls
• Texted
• Had the world's most epic game of Roomservice (I love the ongoing game, Jordan. It's something I really look forward to on an almost daily basis)
• Admit that I'm scared of going to the fitness center here because I pretty much constantly feel like a cow
• Emailed my father on a pretty regular basis
• Watched "A Very Potter Sequel" on YouTube with Amber & Jake
• Asked Nikky if I could have one of her paintings (I've wanted to for a long time, but I didn't have a good excuse, and now I have big blank walls in desperate need of her brilliance and color)
• Started reading Wild at Heart (Thank you Uncle Jon for happily giving me your copy so that I can write all over it...woohoo!)
• Had an "adopted" family: the Bartons are AWESOME and having Jaysen as an "adopted" brother is a unique experience
• Having a gift card for Macy's (Thankfully Amber will be going with me the next time so that maybe I'll walk out of the store with someone more than a small thing of chocolate and a $2 pair of earrings...even if they are super cute)
• Paid for a meal in all change
• Got a hug from my former Moe's manager (which actually really made my day)
• Tried brisket (mmm...)
• Had someone actually realize how weird I was about touching other people without me even having to say it
• Put stickers on my phone (hey, they're penguins from Kendall and Cam, I can't pass that up)
• Made a friend from the Bahamas
• Started saving my weird spare change for a future with someone special (whomever he is)
• Made a bracelet out of guitar strings
• Drew my own version of Trogdor (twice actually)
• Received a hand drawn picture from Macklynn Rager that is now proudly being displayed on my fridge:

May I Offer You Some Hope?

(This a picture my beautiful young cousin Kendall took of herself with Nikky's phone a few years back...it still inspires me and makes me smile and feel hopeful)

The following is a poem my Uncle Jon pointed out to me in a book he once used for a class he taught called God at the Mall by Pete Ward. The poem was written by Anna Chakka George & Fiona Macleod. So here goes:

Some people say - life is a circle -

you're born - you grow up - you work

you grow old - you die.

Some people say - what will be, will be.

Some people say, "There are no jobs

so no one will want me."

Some people say, "There will always

be war -

what can I do about it?"

Some people say, "There will always be homelessness -

tis a shame."

Some people say, "The world's a terrible place

and I want no part in it."

Some people say - "Who knows what my life will be like

tomorrow, I'll just wait and see."

Hope says "Bullshit."

Hope helps you see a different reality,

a world where anything is possible

not just for tomorrow but for today.

Hope helps you see, not just what things could be like

but what today is like

in a different light.

Hope is not an empty promise

or a dream of escaping.

Hope changes the color of

the world we live in.

Hope changes our faces from

the faces of the bored and the defeated

to the faces of those who

see life as an adventure.

Life requires risk, experiment,

adventure, possiblity.

In short,

life requires hope.

If there's no hope, there's no point.

With God there's never no point.

Ficticious People I Would Marry

Seriously, I would marry any of these people were they real:

• William Hayes from "Definitely, Maybe"
• Prince Philip from "Sleeping Beauty"
• Mr. Darcy (how could he NOT be on this list)
• Jude from Nikky's Until You Come Around Everything Is Nonsense
• Carter from "In the Land of Women"
• Jacob Black (a child. a child. a child. a child.)
• Algernon from "The Importance of Being Earnest"
• Joe Black from "Meet Joe Black"
• Crash Davis from "Bull Durham"
• Pete from "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton"
• Rusty from "Ocean's 11"
• Niles from "Fraiser"
• Capt. Benjamin Franklin Pierce from "M.A.S.H."

Yes...these are the things I think about in the middle of the night. And on that note, I'm headed to bed.

Words in Response to Nikky's "Love Me Like the World is Ending"

I was rereading your old blog entries again today (because that's the kind of creepy best friend I am), and this makes so much sense to me. I think of a lot of things when I think love, but I'm realizing it usually involves some kind of "at home" feeling.

You're right when you say that most of the time we aren't thinking about the other person in the relationship. We think of us...I know that's what I do. Even now, I'm feeling like a jerk because at 2am in the morning (and throughout a good portion of the rest of the day) my head flips through guys like I flip through pages of a favorite book. I know the pages so well, but I don't know where to begin or where to stop.Why is it so hard to just find one thing to focus your love on? And why am I constantly trying to fill the void in my heart with the love of guys or with poptarts instead of with God? No wonder I am left feeling empty. No wonder I can't stand myself about half the time. No wonder I have trouble being truly good. I want to be able to give real love. Wherever it's needed...why instead do I wallow in this selfish neediness?

I think it's time to rethink love and how I'm going about getting it. If I work on focusing on getting this love from God, on actually letting myself be loved by a God who truly loves me...I think I would be able to start loving myself and loving others for real. Not just this selfish facimile.

Thanks for your thoughts, Nik.

I miss you.

I love you.

J

Where Soul Meets Body

Jaymin Cheatwood sometimes hates everything. Well, not really. Obviously she doesn't hate you.

Mostly I just feel tired. Tired is fairly normal for just before 1am, but even so...

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie sing about twin size beds and passenger seats and oceans. So many things to divide us and bring us together. I don't feel like I'm keeping up with all of this.

"Soul Meets Body" may be my favorite of their songs at this point, and I find it ironic that in my Christian Ethics class we've been discussing Thomas Aquinas view vs. Augustine vs. Plato vs. Plotinus, etc., etc. So many views on the soul. So many views on "the good life." So many views on morality and ethics and priorities and God.

I am a soul and a body, all wrapped into one. When I die, I'll be dead. I'll hopefully be ashes that make some beautiful flowers or trees grow, and those ashes will wait till Christ returns before they do anything else.

As I am the Lorax, I think it would be incredibly cool to help some trees grow. I wonder how I can do that. Hmm...I guess I'll have to look more into cremation and the laws concerning the dispersing of ashes.

I guess these are just my errant thoughts for tonight. I'm pretty sure this also signifies my need to sleep, so good night sports fans.

Ache, Tree, Time.

(The amazing tree that Joel took a picture of at our Great-Grandparents's house in MO)

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (7:44 pm EST):

• "We'd all do the same thing when faced with giant golden turtle birds." - Mike Nelson
• RiffTrax
• Jaysen's joy at me finding him some baking sheets for shrimp (*shudders*...you know how I feel about this, Nik)
• Ice tea from Chick-fil-A
• Knowing that I have a movie watching party to go to in a few minutes

Hmm...I want to be someone's "Perfect Fare."

There are no words to express the weird tired feeling at the top of my spine. It keeps working up to my head and then back down to the base of my spine. This is a night where I will have to convince myself that I want to go to this party.

Why is it sometimes it's super hard to convince myself that I want to deal with people? I know that once I go it'll be fine. I'll have a good time and it will be worth this, but in the meantime I will be struggling to convince myself that this is something I want to do.

This is a night where I wish I had someone here that was on my side. Does that make sense?

For instance, if Nikky was here that would be great. Or perhaps the guy that shows up in my dreams from time to time. The one that I can't identify, but I know is somewhere out there.

Moving on.

This party will be fun. The ache will go away, and life will go on. It'll be a good night. You have a good one too.

In the meantime...I'm going to look happily at that tree. It's a beautiful one. I think it looks a little like me.