(47) Table Saw

Nothing quite like starting your day
waking up to the sound of a
table saw directly above
your bed.
It's like Tom Hanks' nightmare
in The Burbs
all saws through walls
& erratic sleep

Erratic sleep, erratic day
suppose that's the kind of thing
one should expect
when the day starts that way
But now I lay my
head to rest
hoping for sleep &
all the best
wishing that my alarm
will wake me & not
another saw in the morning

(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

(45) Someone to Love

Nada Surf lyrics keep playing through head

To find someone to love

you gotta be someone to love

is that why I'm still alone?

Am I not someone to love yet?

(44) Never Meant to be Alone

The truth of it,

the crux of the matter,

is that I'm reaching out 

my hand in the dark

& I'm praying 

you're reaching out too

We're not meant to be 

alone

We should never feel 

alone in a room full of people

or lost amongst people we love

Don't assume I don't feel joy

over new marriages, jobs, houses, babies

or that I'm not glad

your life is going well

My happiness doesn't change my joy for you

it just tints the view of my accomplishments & dreams

Depression isn't a foreign concept

I was just hoping

I'd shored myself up this time

that I was strong enough

to fight this alone

but I'm not

No, I'm not drowning

& I can still see the stars,

but I need new focus

new hope

Renew my spirit, LORD

Show me the hand to hold

the safe places & harbors

you've blessed me with

& a light so I'm never

alone 

(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad

When you're the one

tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?

Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy

buying houses

thinking about starting a family

Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish

I knew

if even for a single moment

you thought about

picking me?

I just wish I could understand

why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?

Or thin enough?

Is it because I really can't dance?

What's my fatal flaw?

Or did I throw it away 

when I didn't give you a full answer

that night in the car?

Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 

& obsessive,

but I still wish I could tie up

these loose ends

in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again

hopefully,

even with my heart on my sleeve, 

when you look through me

You'll see a better woman

than the one I use to be

(42) Odd Duck

Odd duck is what I am

Never quite fitting right

Not even my body is normal

with the O Negative blood, the PCOS, the pancreatitis, the back bending knees

And what of my heart?

I'm an introvert & an INFJ

Rare, rare, rare

I love Shakespeare & Star Wars

I crochet & bake pies & write handwritten letters

So much about me

is a little odd

I've come to accept my weird & my good

I'll never be conventional

or exactly what you might expect

I'll never leave you quite the same

When our paths cross & intersect

I hope you see

that I'm not the only one

with surprises & secret worlds

inside of me

each one of us is beautiful & brilliant 

& odd

in our own ways

Let's embrace it

& become a cheerful flock 

of all the odd ducks

(41) Mom

Nothing quite so good

as hearing your voice

at the other end of the line

when I've been worrying

about you

You keep me inspired,

going, hoping

you're my voice of reason

& the soother of my storms

I can't lose that,

can't lose you

Please be healing

& I'll be moving on,

growing up,

& making you proud

Thanks for being you, Mom