Bring it Around Again

I've seen you in various states
of dress and undress
The shirtless mornings
The t-shirts
The jacket you gave me when you wanted to warm me after we ran through the rain
I've laid next to you
on a hotel bed
And I dreamt of you each night
But you've held onto your virtue
and I've held to mine

When I think of you
(which is often)
I think late nights, caffeine, and your voice
-singing along with mine, your guitar in hand; or laugh or telling me your secrets-

But, the night you told me
Where your loyalty lay
(Your Happiness First)
I've questioned mine
Fights break out
Did my words break your hear?
("Well, that's why we're different. My loyalty is to others first")
Could you hear the heartbreak,
the regret,
the reproach in my voice?

You are held to higher standards
Not a prince or a knight,
but a man
PROVE IT

Show me your loyalty renewed
Your love, strength
Be the man,
the man I love.
The one I know you can be,
You are.
You're meant to be.

Light up,
Light up the night for me.

Night Thoughts

Favorite things of this very moment (10:28 pm CST):

• The prosepect of caffeine in the morning


• That beautiful little candle holder which I bought for a single dollar which helps brighten my little corner of the world.


• iTunes


• Gotye ( http://gotye.com/ ) ...you'll fall in love with him. He's magic


• Finding Hassan II Mosque patterned Keds on Zazzle while I was doing some research earlier... ( http://www.zazzle.com/mosaic_hassan_ii_mosque_morocco_shoes-167240258580568706 ) ...seriously, how cool is that?

As you may have guessed, I'm working on my rewrite for Tramp. I decided to start by retrieving more information and taking more time to look at all the pictures I could find of Hassan II Mosque that I could. It's a beautiful building. I'm Christian, but I can greatly appreciate the beauty of any house of worship. The mosque definitely deserve to be seen by all. Such gorgeous mosaics and windows and carvings and floors...I mean everything about the place is class and detail. Two things I greatly appreciate in good architecture and design. Honestly, I would advise you to take the time to look at the pictures, or, even better, if you are ever in Casablanca, Morocco, take the tour. They have several tours throughout the day Saturday-Monday.

Well, now that I've sounded like a travel company informercial...

Life is going.

I recently read in a Real Simple that the best advice one woman had ever been given was that she should never try to solve problems at night. She was told that it's always harder to solve problems facing the darkness. Everything is easier when you get to face the morning light. I thought that was kinda cheesy at first, but in the past few weeks, testing that particular bit of advice, I find that it's true. When I start worrying at night, I write a list or a quick note and then leave it for the morning. I tend to work out problems as I type away at work. It gives me more time to think about life and to reframe the problem. Things really do feel a lot less scary when you deal with them in the light. I highly recommend trying this one out yourself.

And with that...Good night.

Cure...Maybe, Cure.

“Authoritatively, and in a doctorly manner, Wayan ticked off on her fingers the six elements of her Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment: ‘Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny.’”
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I'm currently following the drink much water and travel to a place far away from the person you loved part. I need to get more sleep and try the Vitamin E. I haven't done much meditating, but quieting my mind down would be helpful. It's the last one that I'm struggling with the most. Destiny. Ugh.

On the other hand, I really want to be able to do this:

“Launch yourself into all the things you’ve been putting off for all the wrong reasons. Make room in your life for a puppy. Learn to navigate by the stars. Revive the lost art of conversation. Practice kissing. Bathe in the innocent bliss of daydreams. Do the things that make you the sort of person you really want to hang out with.”
-Bradley Trevor Greive, The Book for People Who Do Too Much

I mean, that's what I want to be. I want to be a kind person and fun. That would be nice. Someone even I would want to hang out with. I need some work. Seriously.

Being that this is the 4th of July, I am reminded of the fact that just a few years ago I was sitting around worrying about whether or not Jay would show up and disappointed when he didn't come, but thrilled to have met a new friend in Brandon Clark ( http://ginhouse.bandcamp.com/ ) who played his guitar on my porch and sang his beautiful, beautiful music and made life great. A year later I was worried because Jay WAS coming to the house and I was still working on just being myself around him, but he came and we had a great time and Brandon came back with our friend Jessica once again to play music late into the night. Every year since then...the 4th has been something of an anomaly and wonder.

Today will be no exception. I have long since stopped being infatuated with Jay, but he has become one of my best friends. Instead today I am in the process of trying to figure out life, yet again, but the sunshine, perfect weather, good food, wonderful music, and brilliant friends make any hint of darkness light up with the glow and power of every star in the night sky. God is an an amazing planner. I don't know what He's got up his sleeve for the future, but He keeps changing my plans and life just keeps getting better and better.

May your 4th be something full, glowing, magical, and beautiful like the fireworks and sparklers we'll be seeing tonight.

Love,

J

Favorite things of this very moment (3:51 pm CST):

• The smell of grills around the neighborhood getting warmed up and cooking 4th of July feasts


• Josh Garrels ( http://noisetrade.com/joshgarrels ) ...I've fallen in love with this angel man's voice and his beautiful music and lyrics that write the words of my heart...


• My camera


• Working on Nikky & Yan's wedding stuff


• Knowing I should get to see friends this evening during my families annual 4th of July cook out

Why I Need a Passport ( Or I Am Worth a Second Look)

Morocco, Morocco...how I long to visit thee.

Today I wrote my first article for a really cool company called Tramp Imperial Travel (http://www.moroccotraveltours.net/) that takes people on tours through Morocco. If you're wanting to travel there, check them out. I know I want to travel there. This, as I'd like to point out, is one of the reasons I need my passport. How does a person get to be 25 years old and never own a passport? Ah...This needs to be changed.

It's also exciting to be able to say that I am a freelance writer. I never thought I would be afforded an opportunity like this, and I am hoping that this will blossom into something good.

I also had a good talk with my mom this evening about one of my exes. I talked to him today for the first time in a long time. I miss the friend I had in him for years, but the guy I talk to now is never that guy. He's someone I don't recognize, and I sometimes wonder which version of himself he'll be when we talk or which version of him is even real. He's a human emotional personality chameleon. Every person he's dated has caused him to take on a new persona. It reminds me a lot of Julia Robert's character, Maggie in "Runaway Bride." He tries to become exactly what the other person wants. With me he was a hilarious and good Christian guy. After me he became a guy very interested in art and becoming a starving artist by drinking and doing every drug he could get ahold of (maybe he still does), then a guy super interested in health and vegetarianism, and then a guy who was obsessed with film and all it's aspects, and now he's a health nut who works out.

I miss my version, but at the same time...I'm glad that ended. In the past few weeks, I've been reminded of all the things I didn't do. Most of them were dreams I had that he told me I wasn't capable of, wasn't talented enough to do, wasn't pretty enough for, didn't have the right body type for, was too clumsy for...that I wasn't good enough.

But do you know who I am? I don't. And I'm actually a little excited about that. I've lived for many years thinking I was less than I am, but I'm something special. I'm worth a second look, and someday someone is going to say, "Hey let's go to Bali" or "Let's go to Canada or Paris or anywhere..." When that person comes along...darn it, I'm going to have that passport.

One last thing, because I haven't done this in awhile:

Favorite things of this very moment (10:24 pm CST):

• Unsweetened ice tea


• Sanctus Real's great song "'Til I Got to Know You"


• Knowing I fixed my computer speakers on my own


• Knowing my family is in the living room watching Disney's lovely cartoon version of "Robinhood" at this very moment


• That I finished and turned in my first writing assignment for Tramp Imperial Travel


• That I am actually, for real, no joke, a freelance writer


• Having several jobs (Tramp Imperial Travel, the pharmacy, Basket Beginnings, the last of which I probably forgot to mention, but I am working there off and on to cover for people over the rest of the summer starting with tomorrow afternoon)


• Owning my own copy of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows


• Hope

Snippets of Conversations (Other Peoples' Words)

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope." - Jane Austen, Persuasion

"You guys are way too pretty to not have boyfriends!" - Katie, age 9, to Amy Cunningham and I at MN Camp

"I'll do your hair for your dates when we're at ABC," said Shelby Upton as she was doing my hair for Miiitch and Kimmie's wedding...

And when I gave her a funny look and said with a sigh, "Yes..."

Replied with, "Oh, you will have dates...as soon as Sam gets a brain. You will have dates."

“How do you tell a person that they’re magical,
That there are no favorites—that you love them as a whole?”
-Jacob Zuniga, “I Should’ve Stayed Home and Done my Calc”

J.D.: [narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
-Zach Braff, “Scrubs”

“My pride shut me up, my hurt shut down, and together they ganged up on my hope and let her get away.”
-Nick in Rachel Cohn & David Levithan’s Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Tribute to Jay Laurent, an Epic Best Friend

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. I’ll believe it for you until you’re ready.”
-Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You

I love running across quotes that bring me joy. It actually leads me to what I really want to talk about: Jay "Freakin'-Awesome-Best-Friend" Laurent.

Last night, Jay took me to dinner at Alfano's to celebrate my birthday. Item 1: my birthday was in May, but when Jay says he's going to do something like, for instance, take you to dinner to celebrate your birthday, he'll make that happen, even if it's about a month after your birthday. He sticks to his word.

While at dinner, we got into a discussion about people we've dated and relationships in general because of what we're seeing people around us go through. I told him that I frequently wonder if I'll make the same painful mistakes because I feel that I tend to learn the hard way. This freaks me out at times because I don't want to go through the kind of pain and rejection I've gone through before and I sometimes feel I pick idiots to get myself involved in (not you, Ben, if you ever read this...you were all around awesome, I'm talking more of the guys that I get semi-involved in that decide they don't ever want to date me they just want to string me along because they feel they can). Jay told me I am far too hard on myself and that I can't live with a fear of past issues. Besides, those people didn't feel like mistakes at the time, they were people I really cared about and one that I truly loved. It just didn't work out. Item 2: he reminds me that I'm good and that things will work out eventually, even if they don't feel like it from time to time.

Then we watched "Charade" because it's one of my favorite old movies and because he'd never seen it, and he got me a lot of Mt. Dew and a large glass of water while we watched that and then a bunch of comedy stuff on NetFlix (Demetri Martin, Better Off Ted, The IT Crowd...all of which you should probably check out if you haven't before...hilarious stuff). Item 3: gets me caffeine and lets me have my way when I probably don't deserve it (such a lovely best friend type creature).

When I left to come home at roughly midnight:30 (yes, people do say that, somewhere...I think), Jay walked me out to my car because it was dark and late even though he really didn't need to. Item 4: likes to protect me and make me feel safe, even when I would never admit (most of the time) that this makes me feel much better.

In short, Jay is my own personal Greg Behrendt. A friend who reminds me that I'm awesome and am allowed to feel miserable from time to time, but that it will all work out in the end. I hope all of you have people like that in my life.

ps. If I ever get blessed with sons (Please, God), I hope at least one of them is a lot like Jay. Maybe I'll name him Laurent. haha.

Poetry fills my head,
but won't make it to the page

Dark nights, quiet stars
I wonder where I am

My longing is raging but silent
Not even the stars will know

And the change I want
is the change I need

Can I make it so?