Where is this Hope?

Favorite things of this moment (11:34 pm EST):
· “Pride & Prejudice” on DVD
· Knowing tomorrow I shall have a new outfit to wear and the possibility of new confidence to go with it
· New Christmas lights on the balcony courtesty of Regina & Cynthia and new Christmas lights around the kitchen because of my own happy purchase
· Mr. Darcy
· Tea. Blessed tea.

I wish very much that I was more like Elizabeth Bennett and quite a bit more like Jane Bennett. I wish I saw people the way Jane does, but had the tenacity and spirit of Elizabeth. And more than that, I wish I had Elizabeth’s luck in love. Its sheer beauty is beyond what I could expect. Of course, I also wish I could be as lovely as Elizabeth and Jane.

“We are all fools in love.” – Charlotte Lucas in Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice

Is it odd that I have frequently worried that I am more of a Mr. Collin’s than anyone else in these books? Am I so awkward and forward that I terrify others? I frequently feel that way.

I want someone to tell me not to give up. I want that every single day. Where is this hope? Who can remind me of this? Who do I ask to remind me of this?

Blessings...Truly

Favorite things of this very moment (1:19 am EST):

• The new shelf Amber and I were given today by my Uncle Cheat which has managed to make our apartment suddenly seem like a place we actually live as opposed to a place we're just staying in. I have no idea how it managed to do that, but it really does make all the difference in the world. Now we just need to get that gorgeous swan painting Nikky gave me up on the wall and we'll officially live here.
• Conversations with Sam
• Oldies on my iTunes (ex: "These Eyes" by The Guess Who)
• Kleenex
• Knowing I can sleep in tomorrow morning without guilt or interuption
• My letter from my Uncle Harvey

It is late. I should probably go to bed, but I'm just in this lovely mood where though I am tired, I don't really want to go to sleep just yet. Instead, I just want to be.

God is beyond good. Beyond what I could ever have expected and definitely far beyond what I deserve. I've been trying to pull together the money to finish paying off this semester of school, and because God is incredible, He has been touching the hearts of the people who love me and I have been getting a lot of support. I've been blown away by the generosity and love shown to me by my family and my church family and friends. Everyone has been amazing, and I feel overwhelmed by this.

"Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me." -Psalm 42:7

That verse in Psalms has been many things to me over the years, and tonight I think it fits again. I feel like my heart has been calling out to God's heart, and as a result, He's overwhelmed me with His love, faithfulness, and provision. I am blown away by all of it.

Life is great. God is AMAZING. And I am grateful.

Letter to Me

Dear Jaymin,

Get a grip.

Love,

Yourself

This is the Time of Times

(Sam and Josh wrestling the die from Jake)

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (11:42 pm EST):

• Ryan Reynolds in "Definitely, Maybe"
• My camera
• The New Moon blanket
• Pictures to remind me that I am not crazy and that I do have amazing friends and that there really is something going on in my life

How do people survive this?

The crazy and the lonely and the waiting? I don't know how this works. I have never done this before, but I'm losing it.

Sure, I thought things had changed and happened before, but this is ridiculous. Again, I wonder if I am losing it.

I wrote a letter last night to a friend trying to say all the words I couldn't think of before. The words that he needed to hear and that I needed to say. I wonder sometimes why we're brought into the lives of other people, and even more so why sometimes you have a connection with someone that is deeper and crazier than you imagine possible. Why is it that sometimes you meet someone and you know they are something special and different? Maybe you don't know what role they will play in your life, and maybe you're just meant to be there to help them out...but you know they're something.

Something. That's a start.

Friends, Trust, and Provision. Thank You, God.

(An old picture by an old friend)

Favorite things of this very moment (11:01 pm EST):

• My gray sweater
• Amber's lovely iPod aka. my texting device
• Good mail
• "Father Figure" by George Michael (it's catchy, what can I say)
• God providing in unexpected ways
• Encouraging friends
• Earl Grey tea

Tonight I realized there are several people in my life all willing to fight for my honor. It was one of those things that you really don't expect and it came from a situation that seemed both silly and stupid, but it was nice to know I have people around me who not only care about me, but also are willing to offer to hit someone in the face for me.

I realize this sounds a bit barbaric and ridiculous, but who doesn't want to know that there are people willing to protect them. I know I need this. The ironic thing is, I was the one person in dealing with this incredibly stupid situation that wasn't initially upset. I just felt bad that so many other people ended up involved, but we'll find a way to resolve it without anyone getting hit in the face. It will be alright.

God was in the business of showing me that my hope is best left in Him today. I've been wondering where money would come from again, but had managed to stay calm. Staying calm in a situation like that is nearly impossible for me, or at least it always has been, and so this is amazing to me. I keep seeing God provide for me in crazy and unexpected ways. It's beautiful. Today this came in the form of a card from friends who both encouraged and provided for me. I now have a little something to keep me afloat. God always provides. Just never how I expect. I am so grateful. So, so grateful.

Life is so unexpected...and I'm okay with that.

Certainly.

(This beautiful picture was colored by Sam for Amber & I's fridge. It's lovely. I love it.)

"I'm certain of this and I'm not certain of anything." - Conor Oberst, "Motion Sickness"

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (2:00 pm EST):

• Being fairly certain that when I'm done writing this that I will be able to take a nap
• All the pictures from this weekend
• Sam
• Coffee
• "Motion Sickness" by Bright Eyes
• Knowing the kitchen is clean again
• Me & music. Nothing more.
• Sunshine, blue skies, and lovely weather
• Black tank tops & old plaid shirts
• HOPE

There are so many moments from this weekend I'd like to hold onto forever, but it's hard to explain.

This weekend was EPIC. And I really do mean that. Sam, Josh and Kaitlyn came down from SC to see Harry Potter with the ABC crew on Friday afternoon. That turned into a ridiculous event. Only 3 of us got to the theater on time. The rest of us got stuck in traffic and it was a crazy event. We did get to see the movie though. It was good, but it was nothing compared to the rest of this bizarre and wonderful weekend.

It was one of those weekends where you wish all time could just stop and this could be your whole life. Surrounded by people you truly adore and love and can't stop laughing with. It was like living in the silliest, most entertaining commune ever. We cooked together, we laughed together, we went shopping together, we watched movies, colored...it was a great weekend.

The irony is just when I thought my hope was truly going to be tossed out a window because things will not work out like I wish they could, I was reminded in a round about way that if things are truly meant to happen, they will. I just need to be patient and find joy in everything. I am thankful for what I have been blessed with through these people.

I've always decided to really work on encouraging the talented people in my life. In being with some of the people I love most in the world, I realized that I'm not the only one still searching. I have no idea what I'm heading towards, but I know I'm heading forward and doing something. This weekend, I realized I wasn't the only one, and I found that encouraging.

There is so much hope here. So much hope for the future. There's a lot that I'm not certain of, but I think I found some certainty in this.

God is good, and I'll make it because even while I wait, I'm going to keep working and striving and becoming the best me I can for God and for me and for the future.

It was a GREAT weekend.

Blue Skies & Words to Say

("Mutual" from xkcd.com)

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:01 pm EST):

• Unsweetened ice tea from Moe's
• Amber's handy-dandy iPod
• Knowing someone who cuts hair
• Having so many excellent weekend plans
• Being almost completely done with my homework for the week
• Zicam
• Sounding like a hysterical Muppet or Disney movie villain when I laugh
• Head phones

My voice is currently crazy, and Amber just a few minutes ago got to deal with my hysterical giggling for a good 10 straight minutes. I was just trying to comprehend some of the things that my life has recently run into, and it just wasn't working out. This is not a bad thing, not at all.

Life recently took some turns that were totally and undeniably unexpected. Wonderful, but completely unexpected. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to the realization that life can change so dramatically in such a short period of time.

I keep asking if life is really supposed to be like this. Are people supposed to walk into your life and throw you this far off balance? I'm not sure if this is rational or normal, but I guess I'm fairly okay with it all. Sure it makes me nervous because some day soon I will fall off this crazy balance beam I'm walking on, and the real question will be whether or not there's anything there to catch me. I sincerely hope so.

And so I leave you with a mix.

Love, Me

Blue Skies & Words to Say:

1. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
2. Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F.) - Monsters of Folk
3. Wordless Chorus - My Morning Jacket
4. Borderline/Open Your Heart - Glee Cast
5. Going to California - Led Zeppelin
6. My Winding Wheel - Ryan Adams
7. Dream On - Matthew Morrison & Neil Patrick Harris
8. Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck
9. Don't Move - Butch Walker
10. Hideaway - Karen O and the Kids
11. Twenty-Seven Strangers - Villagers
12. Million Faces - Paolo Nutini
13. Heavy In Your Arms - Florence & The Machine
14. I Believe In You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
15. Alone - Heart
16. Holy Roller Novocaine - My Terrible Friend
17. Lie In The Sound - Trespassers William
18. Hard to Love You - The Wreckers