Old Man

I keep seeing this old guy
on the side of the interstate
He holds up his sign

And says he'll do anything
for some money
Anything

I've see him twice
Each time I've been alone
And I wonder

What should I do
for this old man
sitting on the side of the road?

I have barely
enough money
to make it through a week

Do I give this to him?
Do I bring him what food I have?
Do I just keep praying?

I do pray
Each time I see him
But that can't be enough

And now
I find myself thinking about him
more and more and more

I know
that if I see him again
I need to do something

Action must be taken
help must be given
The love of God must be shown

Dealing with Dementors

("One Day" by David Shrigley)

Today is a day when, for some crazy reason, it's as if dementors were real, and not only that, but that they're following me about and sucking the joy right out of me. Why is this?

Though I'm not sure why, I do know of one thing that is a good plan for me, I'm going to make a list of the good things from today. That should help my crazy brain.

Good things from this Thursday:

• Finding out I got an "A" on my Christian Ethics exam
• Feeling pretty sure of my topic
• Listening to Jake singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen even though I'm trying to shut him up
• Watching several hours of the "Corbert Report" this morning while watching Caleb
• The incredibly beautiful fall weather
• Jimmy Muffin, my Uncle Jon's family's stray cat (he adopted them) who decided today to follow me into the house and curl up on my lap and purr until after the girls got home
• Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows
• Life

I have no idea where my life is heading, but I know this one thing: it will be good. And the damn dementors will leave me alone.

Brighter Than a Dream

(Above picture taken by Brandon Clark with his iPhone...amazing)

Let me go

and as I walk away,

please don't cry

You think this is forever

but the world is too small

to hide me from you

Sooner than you think

I'll be back

brighter than a dream

The fear is overwhelming

but this burning strength,

it's stronger than I can bear

There's no time to argue

Only time to change

I've got to go

One day soon

I'll fight my way

back to your arms

When the rubble clears

and time stretches on forever

you'll find me here

By your side forever

and never again will you worry

because you'll have my hand forever

And my heart,

though it's always been yours

will always be close enough for you

to touch and hold

These thoughts will protect me

And they'll bring me back to you

Go Serve

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (11:34 am EST):

• The last of my Vinnie del Rocco smoothie from last night's Planet Smoothie run with Cynthia and Mitch
• Knowing that within the next 12 hours I should be hanging out with my very most ridiculous, awesome, hilarious, wonderful, best friend, Nikky
• Being completely done packing
• Knowing the apartment is clean
• Go Serve plans being finalized (or as finalized as they can...)

In about a half hour I should be driving over to the ABC building to meet up with the rest of the Go Serve team to head up to OH. I am stoked.

Go Serve simply means we are heading to a community and we're going to do what we can to serve their needs. On this particular trip we're heading up to a community in OH and we're going help with a church youth group, help an elderly couple deal with some trees that are causing them problems, helping clean up a camp for winter, and serving a meal at a place called Rainbow Table. There may be some other projects along the way, but whatever the case, I am excited about this trip.

I get to stay with Nikky while I'm there, and I should be seeing my niece and nephew at some point along the way. Life is good.

I'm often amazed by what God brings into your life.

Go Serve is actually what brought me back to ABC. They came up to my church last year to help with a variety of projects, and I asked if I could help while they were at the church. I ended up spending a Saturday with this group, and I don't think I will ever regret that decision. The passion they showed for serving others and showing God's love through their service was mind blowing. Here was this group of people in their early 20's all excited and working to do their best to serve God and love people, and I wanted to be a part of this.

Being with them gave me the push I needed to head back down to ABC. I saw God speaking to me through the kindness and joy of this group, and it was incredible. Completely and totally incredible.

My hope is that our love and joy as we go and serve this weekend will be inspiring to people in OH. Although, the people in OH seems pretty incredible to begin with, but then again, can't we all use some encouragement?

I hope you all have an amazing weekend. I know I will.

Gold Guns Girls

(This picture was taken by my friend Pauline Hauling while she was in Dubai.)

Oh, Metric...sometimes you have all the words.

Today I was listening to Metric's song "Gold Guns Girls," and I started to question it. I'm sure you've all sat and thought to yourself, "How can I look at these lyrics? Surely they can be deep and meaningful or have meaning from more than one angle..." Yeah, so maybe I'm alone in my thoughts, but this is what I think.

She sings, "I remembers when we were gambling to win/Everybody else said better luck next time/I don't wanna bend like the bad girls bend/I just wanna be your friend, is it ever gonna be enough?"

As I was listening to this tonight, for whatever reason, I realized this could be me. I think the original intention was probably that the question was directed to the guy she's supposed to be singing to, but I started thinking...maybe she's asking herself that question.

If she is, that could be me.

I remember when I was gambling to win. Everybody else said better luck next time. I don't want to bend like the bad girls bend. I just want to be your friend. Is it ever gonna be enough?

Can I deal with the fact I'm probably going to lose? Will I be able to handle people knowing that I lost yet again? And I don't want to be a "bad girl" just to get what I want. I don't want to be a "bad girl" at all actually. I definitely don't want to "bend" as they do. I want to be wanted and liked for what I am already.

And will being their friend ever really be enough?

Is that enough?

No.

This & That

(The above picture is one my friend Brandon Clark took recently while he was traveling. His note with this picture was that it's a picture of the last road to St. Joe. Whatever it is, I think it's beautiful)

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (11:04 pm EST):

• The cast of Glee singing on shuffle on iTunes
• The 25 cent ring happily, ridiculously displayed on my left pinky given to me by Jordan and Amber
• Knowing that tomorrow morning will be spent with Caleb and Abigail
• Getting an email from Dar considering that I wasn't sure how best to get ahold of her to tell her that I was in fact not dead
• Amber and Jake being back home
• Knowing I get to see Nikky on Saturday night!
• Life

Sadly, Jordan didn't get to come visit us, but I do know that we'll all get to see him at the end of the month, so it will be alright.

I'm, again, filled with words, but none of them seem to want to show themselves to anyone. Why is this?

Today I made a wish at 11:11 in the am. I consistently impress myself with my silly habits. I am highly aware of the craziness or imaturity of this particular tradition, but I feel like some of those are good to hold on to. You need to blow bubbles on the balcony and wish on stars. You need to color in coloring books and take the time to enjoy pudding or watch kids movies. I think sometimes this is the healthiest release a person can have.

Maybe that's just me.

A friend of mine posed a question this evening that I'm still working on finding an answer for. She asked who I am? Who any of us are.

I am many, many things. I told her that this was not a question to be answered all at once. That's something that would have to be answered over time. I'm still working on how all of this works. How do you go about explaining who you are? Is there a proper way to go about doing this?

Then again, I'm not terribly "proper" to begin with, so that probably won't work.

Eh.

I think I can safely say this much: I am a woman who is still trying to figure out what truly catches and holds her joy and passion. I am trying to figure out what exactly God is trying to convey to me, what He is saying in my heart and life. I am a girl who loves coloring books, sharpies, and books, books, books. Especially if the books are used and have someone else's notes and writing in them. I love reading other people's love letters, and I love writing my own to a man that I have yet to meet. The little things in relationships are the ones that touch me the deepest, and I like writing thank you cards because you never know when that may be exactly what someone else needs to hear. I am envious of my best friend, Nikky's mad language skills because I have as of yet to get myself to learn one languange let alone 4 or 5 (what's the count now, Nik? It always amazes me). I am a major weeper (as Jude Law says in the Holiday). Scary movies of any variety really aren't something I want anything to do with because I feel like life is scary enough and if I wanted an adreneline rush, I'd learn to cliff dive (I so want to). I am magic and light. I sometimes speak in poetry and wish I was more like Shakespeare or Whitman or Edna St. Vincent Millay or, possibly the best of the best, Pablo Neruda, but then I think, God gave me the words I have...why wish they were someone else's?

I know I'm cryptic at times, and I know so many other times I say things that are so transparent, but do you hear what I'm saying?

I do not know the extent of who I am. I am trying to find that out.

Do you know something about me that I don't? Do you see something that I don't see?

Just some questions to throw out into the night, but I'll take any answers you can supply. And with that, I say good night.

You, Me, Advice, & Some Tea

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (7:49 pm EST):

• John Mayer singing "Who Did You Think I Was" through my laptop speakers
• The hope/possibility/joyous thought that perhaps Jordan will be able to visit
• Knowing I'll get to see Nikky sometime this coming weekend (I'll explain, Nik)
• Tall, blue glasses full of unsweetened ice tea and ice
• Hope. Real hope.
• http://www.abeautifulrevolution.com/blog/love_stories/

Tonight I've been reading and rereading "Ordinary Love Stories" on Andre Jordan's "a beautiful revolution" blog. They're both inspiring and heart wrenching.

I think what I love the most is that these stories are about everything. A momentary infatuation, a hope, a dream, a best friend, a husband, a boyfriend, a lover, and Ex-es. I love all of it. Each one says something different, and each one is something to treasure.

Sometimes I wonder how many of those relationships have known the magic that the stories say. I know the one I wrote encompassed all my hope for a future that, in looking at it now, I know will never become a reality. You have to wonder how many relationships could be saved, expanded, renewed if only the writers showed this kind of love and poetry in their real relationships.

Then again, maybe the love and poetry they felt was only something that could be said in an ordinary love story. Maybe it was more of something meant for a story and less of something they intended to live or could live.

I've spent a lot of time this week talking about death, and though it may seem weird to bring this up, I can't help but believe they're connected. I just know that if you've experienced loss and the deep, utter sorrow connected to it, that you should also understand when I say that it makes you want to let go of your inhibitions and live.

I think perhaps what we all need to do is just work on seizing the joy and wonder in life wherever we can. Not only that, but I want to express the poetry, tell the stories and say the words that most people try to hide from because God only knows how many more days I will have to do any of this.

Don't hide it. Don't let it become an ordinary love story best suited as a tale on someone else's blog. Live. Passionately, joyfully, ridiculously, while we still have breath.

A Lot of Words I was Desperately Needing to Hear

I initially thought to myself: I want to title this post as "I'm Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take it Anymore!" but then I thought...that really doesn't apply to what I want to say.

I'm not really sure all of what I want to say, but I can say this: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo is like a smack upside the head tonight. The movie was excellent, but the other day I realized Amber had a copy of this fantastical book, and as she's disappeared on me for the weekend, I decided to commandeer the book and read it. I don't think I'll regret this.

In fact, with any luck, I'll actually think before I act. Miraculously, the first thing they try to impress on their readers is that if a guy likes you, he'll find a way to get to you. He'll do whatever it takes to call or get to know you. I already know this. I've learned this over the years. The guy needs to make the first move. Maybe you meet them somewhere and you really like them, but until they ask for your number or ask you out or find a way to get in touch with you...there's no point.

Don't get me wrong, I've heavily advocated making the first move over the years. For crying out loud, I've been the one making the first move for years. I meant no disrespect and I certainly didn't mean to throw off the groove of the guy I liked, but I also am not good at sitting around and waiting for a guy to pursue me. The thing I've learned though is that if I make the first move, the relationship never really works. Something always falls apart. Part of that is probably the fact that I never felt desired, but it also seemed like the guy was even less likely to do anything. He seemed almost lazy about everything between us.

I deserve better than that.

So do you.

I just finished reading Chapter 3 "he's just not that into you if he's not dating you: 'Hanging out' is not dating," and it really hits home. This sums up...everything. I can't deny that I like having guy friends. They're great, and I don't want to change that, but this chapter also pointed out that it's not worth waiting forever for a guy that says you're his "best friend."

This is when it hit me: I am the rule. Dang.

I realized that I've grown up with the belief that I am exactly like my mom. That my fairy tale relationship would probably be born under the same circumstances. That I would be some guy's "best friend" and that I'd spend all my time with him and he'd probably date other girls and confide in me, and then suddenly --like lightning!-- he'd realize I was the only one for him. This is what happened to my parents. They dated for a week, broke up, were best friends for about a year, and then my dad suddenly realized that he couldn't handle the idea of being apart from my mom. They were married 4 months later.

My mom was the exception. I on the other hand...I am the rule.

Dang.

Again, I'm not going to stop being friends with guys, but I am going to try to stop allowing myself this crazed fantasy that if I just hang around long enough that a guy will change his mind about me. It doesn't work that way. If a guy actually wanted me, he'd pursue me.

I have to believe I'm worth that though. That I am valuable and worthy of love and, just as important, that I am desirable. The last one will be the hardest for me to really wrap my head around, but I think if I could do that...I could actually do this waiting thing.

I am worth it. I am serious business, and someday soon someone else will realize that, and then I'll be glad I didn't waste my time with the rest of these jokers.

Just so you know, you're gorgeous and worth it too. Someone out there is madly in love with you, and you'll know it when they find you. I will too.

The Darkest Hours Hold the Brightest Dreams

I miss this day. This was a few years back during a ridiculous summer when Nikky was staying with me for a little while. We took David and Kelsey in to Chicago with us to visit Jeff and to wander IKEA and all the crazy little shops we could think of. It was a good day. There were some things about it that I wish I could erase from memory, but I've realized that even the best days have a bit of weird, rash, or painful mixed into them.

Today I am recovering from a lot of NyQuil and a lot of sleep due to something weird I started feeling at some point yesterday and was completely miserable from. If you're wondering, I'm doing alright, but it left me in that almost hungover feeling that coming out of a lot of cold meds seems to induce. I've also realized that I'm pretty sure that it also helped me question things. Maybe I should just avoid all cold meds and perhaps I should just sleep more and question less.

I should definitely question less.

Unfortunately that doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure that no matter what I do questions follow.

After a week of wondering what the heck was wrong with the iPod, I finally got to talk to Jordan via the texting on the iPod. Yeah. That was a good time. It may sound silly, but going for that long without our ridiculous Room Service Game made me incredibly antsy, and I was pleased to talk to him on Friday and know he was very much still alive. Nothing could have pleased me more at that point.

Today though I started wondering, (sorry about the lack of segues) if perhaps the reason that I struggle with people anymore is that I cannot talk. I try not to talk on the phone. Facebook and this crazy blog are really the only places I open my stupid mouth. Probably for that exact reason too. Whenever I start to talk to other people I want to sing John Mayer's "Stupid Mouth." All the frickin' time.

How on earth are you going to meet people or get to know people if you never say any words? Really? Is there a way to do that? I haven't found it so far.

Sure, I think writing letters would work for that, but how are you supposed to do that at this point? No guy I have ever met has ever wanted to write a letter back. Can I blame them? No. Because it's probably pretty lame to most people or even if they like the letters they probably never feel like they have the words.

Do any of us really have the words?

I have so, so many words. I just am never sure they're the right ones.

Then again, maybe I'm just too much of coward to find out. Maybe I'm afraid I'm not enough.

There's a line in the song "The Time is Wrong" by Tickle Me Pink where he sings, "the darkest hours hold the brightest dreams..." I'll find them. Those dreams.

The night will get brighter again, and the darkness will sleep with my dreams.