Soul Assassin

I am awake. This is not a good thing. In less than 6&1/2 hrs I need to wake up so I can walk to work. I am tired, but I'm still wired from running the kitchen tonight at work. I was told it went alright, and we did get everything done, but we were 15 minutes late leaving and I spilled a good portion of a mop bucket on the floor adding to our lateness. Sure that wasn't a lot, but considering I took one less than 15 minute break and didn't even have to make all 3 of my entrées ... I still don't feel great about running the kitchen. I don't cook again until next Friday, so maybe I'll forget how weird tonight was by then. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in charge. I really like being someone floating in the background. It just seems to be so much better for everyone when I'm not center stage. 

The funny thing about this is that Kim, the normal night cook, told me I need to be confident. That's what she wants for me in the job. For me to be confident. I realize she means that she wants me to feel certain in the job and feel good about what I'm doing, but I could really use real confidence. 

I just feel so ill at ease. Can I do this job? Can I remember all these different stations? Can I remember the dang pan sizes? Will I actually make enough? 

Can I do this?

I haven't felt confident in ages. I loved working in the Pharmacy because after they trained me I felt like I could always get whatever they needed done and I was fantastic at remembering everything. Before that I loved Kable. I was one of the fastest people they had on staff and they kept asking me to learn new little things so I could be more involved with the job. I miss feeling like I have bearings and am actually competent at my job. 

I guess I'm just looking for something to show me I'm where I'm needed so that I don't have to feel like I'm needlessly complicating everyone around me's jobs. Or just lives in general. 

I just want to be able to say: this is my place. This is my path. I belong here. This is right. 

I am not there yet. 

This & That

(The above picture is one my friend Brandon Clark took recently while he was traveling. His note with this picture was that it's a picture of the last road to St. Joe. Whatever it is, I think it's beautiful)

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (11:04 pm EST):

• The cast of Glee singing on shuffle on iTunes
• The 25 cent ring happily, ridiculously displayed on my left pinky given to me by Jordan and Amber
• Knowing that tomorrow morning will be spent with Caleb and Abigail
• Getting an email from Dar considering that I wasn't sure how best to get ahold of her to tell her that I was in fact not dead
• Amber and Jake being back home
• Knowing I get to see Nikky on Saturday night!
• Life

Sadly, Jordan didn't get to come visit us, but I do know that we'll all get to see him at the end of the month, so it will be alright.

I'm, again, filled with words, but none of them seem to want to show themselves to anyone. Why is this?

Today I made a wish at 11:11 in the am. I consistently impress myself with my silly habits. I am highly aware of the craziness or imaturity of this particular tradition, but I feel like some of those are good to hold on to. You need to blow bubbles on the balcony and wish on stars. You need to color in coloring books and take the time to enjoy pudding or watch kids movies. I think sometimes this is the healthiest release a person can have.

Maybe that's just me.

A friend of mine posed a question this evening that I'm still working on finding an answer for. She asked who I am? Who any of us are.

I am many, many things. I told her that this was not a question to be answered all at once. That's something that would have to be answered over time. I'm still working on how all of this works. How do you go about explaining who you are? Is there a proper way to go about doing this?

Then again, I'm not terribly "proper" to begin with, so that probably won't work.

Eh.

I think I can safely say this much: I am a woman who is still trying to figure out what truly catches and holds her joy and passion. I am trying to figure out what exactly God is trying to convey to me, what He is saying in my heart and life. I am a girl who loves coloring books, sharpies, and books, books, books. Especially if the books are used and have someone else's notes and writing in them. I love reading other people's love letters, and I love writing my own to a man that I have yet to meet. The little things in relationships are the ones that touch me the deepest, and I like writing thank you cards because you never know when that may be exactly what someone else needs to hear. I am envious of my best friend, Nikky's mad language skills because I have as of yet to get myself to learn one languange let alone 4 or 5 (what's the count now, Nik? It always amazes me). I am a major weeper (as Jude Law says in the Holiday). Scary movies of any variety really aren't something I want anything to do with because I feel like life is scary enough and if I wanted an adreneline rush, I'd learn to cliff dive (I so want to). I am magic and light. I sometimes speak in poetry and wish I was more like Shakespeare or Whitman or Edna St. Vincent Millay or, possibly the best of the best, Pablo Neruda, but then I think, God gave me the words I have...why wish they were someone else's?

I know I'm cryptic at times, and I know so many other times I say things that are so transparent, but do you hear what I'm saying?

I do not know the extent of who I am. I am trying to find that out.

Do you know something about me that I don't? Do you see something that I don't see?

Just some questions to throw out into the night, but I'll take any answers you can supply. And with that, I say good night.