It's Time

This quote hits me right in the heart. Nick Miller and I are sometimes far too similar for comfort, but somehow his weird fictitious existence gives me hope. I think it can be traced to the fact that if there is a character written like this, it means the writer is, was, or knew someone that inspired him. You write what you know. 

If penguins are black and white TVs, I am Nick Miller. Sure the comparison is skewed and this clearly can't be 100% accurate, but there are people in their late 20's-early 30's who are just as unsure and messy as me. 

I'm not alone. 

This also means you're not alone. 

I say we take heart in this. I say we realize that even if we feel like late bloomers or losers, we aren't. No, we are denizens of greatness (to quote Elizabethtown), and just because we haven't yet figured out how/where to grow roots doesn't mean we'll always be gypsies or wanderers. We're walking towards home. We're following the pillar of fire through these nights in the desert. 

I think it's time we figure out what is worth packing and what should be left behind. We're intrepid explorers of this world; it is best to travel light. What new skills can we pick up? Is it time you learned to cook (or maybe to learn to write a trashy romance novel) or took up running? Perhaps it's just a matter of better budgeting or learning to stand up for your needs, but whatever the case, now is the time. 

I'm not great at this. I am envious of people with savings accounts and the ability to tell you where they see themselves in 5 years, but I've decided to learn to make things happen. Even if my creative endeavors are little projects I found on Pinterest or writing more kind notes, it's a start. It's a risk. 

I don't know where I'll be in 5 years, but I can tell you that I hope to have my BA in theology, have attempted to publish a children's book about armadillos, and be able to run up a flight of stairs without wheezing. 

I'm still Nick Miller, and maybe you are too, but this just means I'm lucky in my friendships, I'm witty, and the whole world is open in front of me. Somehow...this doesn't seem so bad anymore. 

In fact, I think this is my jumping off point. So here I go. 

Seeing This Side of Morning

I love that at 2:05 AM my brain is not only awake, but it is trying to tell me I'm a failure. This children--THIS--is why you should go to bed at a normal time. Like 11 maybe. It will help you avoid talks with yourself at 2 in the morning where you find yourself pointing out every time you failed again today. All the points where you let the bad in, the to-do's you managed to forget, the resolve you lost, the bills you still haven't paid. 

Why can't my brain focus on the good things: finding out a friend of mine wishes he could race for the rest of his life, realizing how close to complete the Children of Change website is, a peach milkshake, Dean "makin' pie," planning a run for tomorrow, getting travel plans figured out for my trip home in June...

Why can't I just hold myself together for a day? Why can't I just get my head around this idea of taking care of myself so that I don't end up diabetic or have the pancreatitis come back and so that, if I ever find a good guy and settle down, I could maybe actually have kids?

I just get so frustrated that even with the list I have of reasons...I still let myself down every day. I am a mess. 

But it's 2:16 AM, and this means it's a new day. I am calling for a restart. Let's try this again. 

If Only I Had a Chainsaw to Slice the Shark of my Brain in Two

And here is the part where my brain unravels and all that's left of me is a still-beating heart, memories tattooed into the cells, and desire...

This week I take up running (or an approximation), spend time in the sun to pick up color (something beyond grey and tired, please), and get the summer calendar together. Plus possibly work out a way to go back to school to finish the last 23 credits I need for my BA. 

These notions aren't as romantic as the first, but both are real and burning through my brain (or what's left at 3 AM). 

I'm tired of being the warning light for peoples' bad decisions. If I can see it, especially if we already had this discussion, why are you walking back into oncoming cars? Are you trying to cause an accident? Just stop. Stop. 

Tonight I got the ingredients for a couple experiments because I temporarily have a clean/safe place to play. Tonight it was Carmel bacon buns, and tomorrow I make homemade pizza rolls because I CAN. 

This week may also finally see the trash novel Jordan wants me to attempt coming to fruition. There are already a few brilliant working titles. Maybe it'll be worth publishing. Ah yes, my life reduced to an odd punch line for a joke no one bought. 

Somehow the only bit of tonight I want to hold to or dream about is the man who is a huge fan of bacon and the idea of traveling the world in a boat learning about sharks. 

Ted, again, was right in saying nothing good happens after 2 AM. Sleep. 

Friday Fun Day

Today is one of those days where I have a to-do list and I had things planned out, but nothing seems to be working quite right.  I planned on waking up early this morning, packing up my car, working till 5 and taking off.  While I was at work, I was going to finished editing the mailing list I'm working on, and Glennis told me she was going to come in and look through the envelopes so I could send out the mailing.

I woke up late.  I did pack my car up.  I'll probably be here at work for another 20 minutes, but I the mailing list won't be finished (guess who probably won't get sleep again tonight!  Woot!), and Glennis sent me a text this morning saying she was going upstate to help Kaitlyn with a project this morning.  This was fine, but then they got a flat tire coming back, so she won't make it back in time to look at the letters and I definitely won't get paid today.

Something about not actually being fully paid for the 4th week or so in a row really starts making you wonder what kind of security you really have.  Or it could just be that some things really feel better when they're on schedule.  When you know how much money you should be seeing and you end up with half of that...it's a little disheartening.  Makes it hard to budget correctly or get bills paid on time.

*sigh*  It will be fine.

Of course, I also, so briefly, thought maybe I'd finally figured out why a guy I know doesn't speak much to me.  I thought maybe he'd never received any of the letters I've sent over the past 4 years, but had seen notes show up for most of our other mutual acquaintances.  I thought maybe all this quiet was just because he thought I'd been ignoring him, and I could fix it.  Nope, he got my letters...he just is that quiet.  I over-think everything.

Somehow I feel like a balloon that's been leaking helium all day.  I was floating so cheerfully this morning.  Heading up, and now I'm slowly drifting down.  Maybe it's a caffeine crash.  I got plenty of sleep.

Instead of focusing on all the negative, let's focus on something good to wrap up with tale of whine and woe.

Favorite things of this very moment (4:48 PM EST):

• A quiet place to whine
• That I can text and use the interwebz at work
• Getting as much of the mailing list done as I did
• Knowing I should get some time in the sunshine over the weekend
• Knowing I should get to see Cheat & fam this weekend
• "Easy A" & "The Rocker" both being in my suitcase
• Chocolate Zico for the road
• Margie from the post office always being willing to take the time to answer my questions
• Small miracles
• White lace shoes
• Being almost done with the work day
• That it's Friday

Just Don't

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 AM EST):

• "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks (which is somehow hilariously fitting tonight)
• Large glasses of ice water (two of them to be exact)
• My beautiful new lamp (I've had it for nearly 2 weeks, but I've only gotten a chance to use it about 3 times since I was gone the majority of the last 2 weeks)
• Naughty Neighbor by Janet Evanovich (which isn't a heavy read by any stretch and is an incredibly quick and silly read)
• Having been honest with the possibilities of my fall when meeting with Glennis today
• Heather's good advice and kind ear

Never let yourself reread bits of your blog from a couple years ago when you were insanely in love with a guy who then ran off and married his younger brother's ex-girlfriend even though no one thought it was a good idea and she once told him she'd never marry him till he had 6-pack abs and banned him from speaking to you.  All it really does is make your brain get pointlessly mushy and tries to reopen wounds that you've stitched closed as tightly as you can and have been healing quite well.  Just don't do it.  You won't like what you remember.

Badger Camera Mittens

Sometimes I wonder. 

Tonight, for instance, when I just finished reading my second book in as many weeks about a soldier now state side trying to recover their own lives, I wonder. 

I wonder if things would've turned out differently if you would've held my hand or if I had kept writing you letters. I didn't mean to abandon you to adulthood & war, but when my best friend died, any word out of me was impressive because I just barely held on. 

Sometimes I think that maybe if I knew more about the man you've become or you text me some time other than when you were drinking that maybe something would happen. Especially since I'm pretty sure your family wishes you would marry me. 

I can't help it, I guess. Late nights, good books, quiet...they leave me free to wonder. It's just that you have beautiful hands and you cheat at any game you play. Plus you listen to me and you created that pointless game when I was sick. I know you've got a good heart, but I think you're angry with God because you think He's the reason for the loss. 

I still hope you see around the anger & realize God's been waiting all along to give you eyes & strength to see through the pain. It looks bleak, I know, but something new & beautiful will come from it. 

Really. 

Overcome, Overcome

Favorite things of this moment (9:12 pm EST):

• New music blaring through my speakers (ESPECIALLY Leagues...if you haven't listented to them...get your act together!!!  You can find them here!)
• This new laptop which really is fantastic
• Figuring out how to tone down the brightness on my computer (thank you Kayla for telling me about f.lux because it really has been a lifesaver)
• New playlists mending broken hearts and one for future hope
• Don't Look Down by Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer (you can buy it here, and trust me, you want to)
• Cadbury Creme chocolate creme eggs...yes
• NetFlix
• Unsweet tea
• Sitting on Shelby's couch because I live here more than home
• Realizing it's time to take a risk

I have been thinking about this quote since my sweet friend, Calle sent it to me yesterday.  It came at one of those moments where I'd just spent an entire evening trying to pretend like my heart didn't feel like I had just been through a car wreck.  I'd done a good job to be honest because I was surrounded by people who love me and who were trying to have a good night and trying to restore sanity in a world where so little ever seems to truly make sense.  Even after a good night with good people, my heart still felt like a wreck.  

God and I had been having a discussion prior to the heartwreck of last night.  Just an hour before my heart ran full-speed into that wall, I had gone to a Good Friday service.  I'm not always a big fan of these services because I'm never sure if my heart is in the right place.  Sometimes it feels fake to me, and I had been talking to God about this.  I don't doubt God's existence or what Jesus did for me and for you and for the whole of the world...I just have trust issues.  Bad ones.  Ironically caused by the exact creature that made me feel inside out later in the evening (more on that later).

This year at Cornerstone Bible Church here in McDonough, they decide to integrate the Stations of the Cross into the Good Friday service.  I've read about the Stations of the Cross, but I'd never experienced it.  As Pastor Dave was standing upfront explaining a few of the stations, my heart went into this panicky overdrive.  He's talking about a station where you remember what Christ was dying for and at this station (for our purposes at least), we would confess our sins by writing them down and nail them to the cross.  I panicked because I was thinking about how recognizable my handwriting is because I write letters to everyone that goes to the college to encourage them.  I thought about the fact I would be publicly pointing out my own flaws in my incredibly distinct handwriting.  Here I am thinking about how messed up I really am, how screwy I am, how flawed I am, and on top of it, I'm freaking out because I'm realizing I need to confess this (even though God already knows) and nail this to a cross in a church I'm frequently a part of.  

I started really examining my heart.  As I'm standing there talking to God and shifting through all the mess that is my heart (especially lately)...lust, gluttony, fear, mistrust...it all comes back to one thing: Unbelief.  Again, I don't doubt God's existence, but I do struggle to trust.  

I struggle to believe that God has a plan for me.  I can't seem to find a dream that I can hold on to or truly invest in because every dream I've decided to pursue has landed me far from where I had hoped.  Many of them have left me bruised, bleeding, broken, and with pieces missing.  I want to move here, so instead I land somewhere else.  I fall for this guy, but he chooses to marry someone else.  I want to finish my degree, but I get denied approval to come back to my program.  

Don't tell me I'm not pursuing God closely enough.  You don't know me or my heart.  You may well be right (you'd probably be right), but you don't know me.  

Trust is not something that comes naturally to me anymore.  It use to be a much easier thing, but I was naive and I dated a man who I loved completely who promised many things.  He never managed to keep a promise.  I made a mistake.  I made the mistake of putting faith in someone who couldn't deliver, and I realize God is not a liar.  God keeps his promises, but unbelief is my struggle.  This is my sin.  This is the seed that grows into lust (because I'm scared no one will love me, so I let myself lust after men that aren't mine even though that just perpetuates the loneliness and makes me bitter), grows into gluttony (because if no one is ever going to love me or I feel this lonely, why not eat...because won't it dull that ache and fill that void, even if it's only briefly), grows into depression (because if no one wants me and I'm alone and I can't see a new dream or hope...who cares), and so much else.

As the father of that boy in Mark 9 asks Jesus, "Help me overcome my unbelief!"  This is my prayer.  This is my constant prayer.  This is what I was asking God last night.  I'm still a wounded mess of a girl, but God knows my heart.  

I went to that station and decided to be honest about my sins.  I wrote what needed to be written, and God and I spoke about the rest.  Then I turned to nail it on the cross and realize everyone had folded their notes in half and nailed them to the cross.  You couldn't read a single one.  I nailed my note to the cross, and realized that God really used this experience to make me look at myself.  It made me panic enough to suddenly make me realize what all I'm ashamed of and what I've been trying to hide even from myself.  I realized what I need to clear out of my heart, and I realized what I need to be fighting to hold to.

The rest of the service was a constant dialogue between God and I.  

Miraculously, this was exactly the discussion I was going to need to have had before I headed to some friends' house.  I'd been there just a few minutes when I was informed that the man I had planned to marry when I was a senior in high school (yes, he had asked me to marry him and I had unequivocally agreed because I loved him) had gotten married to his boyfriend of several years earlier in the day.

It was a rough night.  Thankfully I was with close friends.  Even better?  I had just had that talk with God.  Had it fixed everything?  Not by a long shot, but it did remind me that it's gonna take a lot more than my past to take me down.  More than that, I know that God's got my back and, more importantly, my heart.  Even though this was a pretty strange blow, I got back up and life will be okay.  

Now I just need to trust.  

ps.  That quote is what I'm working on in my life.  Too short for lame boys or bad coffee.  I'm gonna keep finding good coffee and only cry over people that are worth my time.