PCOS

Dear PCOS,

You suck. 

You mess with everything inside of me and push at the depression that already makes me hate myself physically. 

I can never decide which of us started the total destruction of my physical appearance. The depression triggered by losing Zuni helped too, but goodness you didn't help. I wish I'd known how destructive you'd be, but no one ever seemed to know anything. 

And here we are. I've known about my PCOS for 12 years now, but just within the last month come to find out how completely screwed up I am physically. It could be worse. I could have diabetes or ovarian cancer, but so far I'm alright. Instead I've just gained about 100 lbs, am losing hair, have periods from hell every 6 months (or more), and could join an old-timey freak show as the bearded lady. 

Plus you're screwing me over by messing with my already unstable sleeping patterns and upping the ante with my depression (I'm sure my lack of risk-taking or pursuit isn't helping either).

I hate you. I hate that I feel like I'm a failure all the time. I hate not knowing what is me and what is hormones you've unbalanced...

I feel like a crazy person.

I don't want you to rule me or define my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like you are the root of all my issues (even though sometimes I feel like you take up a lot of that space). I just want to prove to myself that I'm stronger than this. 

I will fight you. I will fight you even though I'm exhausted and I feel overwhelmed. I will fight you because I don't want to spend the rest of my life broken and hurt and lonely. 

I will fight you so that I can be a good example to my godsons, my nieces, and my nephews. I will fight you so that someday, if I'm really lucky, I'll be able to have little ones of my own. I will fight you so that I don't have to relive this nightmare of depression and fear every night. 

You suck, PCOS, but you may be the one thing that can make me stronger. 

You can't beat me. 

Love,

Jaymin

Just Don't

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 AM EST):

• "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks (which is somehow hilariously fitting tonight)
• Large glasses of ice water (two of them to be exact)
• My beautiful new lamp (I've had it for nearly 2 weeks, but I've only gotten a chance to use it about 3 times since I was gone the majority of the last 2 weeks)
• Naughty Neighbor by Janet Evanovich (which isn't a heavy read by any stretch and is an incredibly quick and silly read)
• Having been honest with the possibilities of my fall when meeting with Glennis today
• Heather's good advice and kind ear

Never let yourself reread bits of your blog from a couple years ago when you were insanely in love with a guy who then ran off and married his younger brother's ex-girlfriend even though no one thought it was a good idea and she once told him she'd never marry him till he had 6-pack abs and banned him from speaking to you.  All it really does is make your brain get pointlessly mushy and tries to reopen wounds that you've stitched closed as tightly as you can and have been healing quite well.  Just don't do it.  You won't like what you remember.