Collab 6b: 4AM

Collab 6: 4Am

There are still nights when I question

If I'm in it for the right reasons

Am I selfish?

I always wanted

To be something good

For the people around me

For my family

For friends

For strangers

But, mostly,

Always,

For you

Some nights I worry,

Did I trick you into

Believing I was/am truly a good thing?

Is this just the ghost

Of a past that I know

I can't run from?

A reminder of a melody

That use to set me on fire

To burn me to the ground?

The words still sting

"You're too much."

"You could look better

If you dressed this way."

You should

You could

Why are you?

Those echoes never leave

I know I'm not perfect

I look in the mirror every day

(As if I needed the reminder)

And I see my flaws

Not just the scars

Or the stretch marks,

But the triggers and wounds,

The sins I hide 

The bitter words

The fears that I let 

Tie me down and hold me back

From all that I could,

Or should,

Be doing with my life

For me and you.

I know the shadows that still linger

Just know,

Please just know,

I love you

Collab 5b: Saftey Pins

Collab 5: Saftey Pins

Some nights I shift through Pinterest 

And I find a million new craft projects

And beautiful art by people

Who inspire me to carry forward

With my own rogue artwork 

But then suddenly 

The pictures creep in

Baby clothes

Parenting advice

What to expect when you're expecting 

And my heart aches a little

I shoo it away

(Or tuck into

The quiet corners of my heart).

I sigh.

The love of my life 

Is asleep next to me on our couch

Tucked into my side

Keeping me warm

And safe

And reminded of the pure joy

and blinding intensity 

Of our love.

But between the sweetness

Of his sleeping face,

My dreams,

All these crafts that make my brain think

Pinterest understands me too well...

I close my eyes and I sigh again

I speak to God about

The dreams I have tucked into 

The corners of my heart again,

And I try to hold onto the hope

That one of these days

That all these odds and ends and pins

Will culminate into action

And a small bundle of promise

With tiny hands

And tiny toes

Justice for Mr. Floyd, and a Prayer

A man was murdered 

Again

A black man

Living his life.

Not fighting 

Not resisting 

But murdered

By a cop

Surrounded by cops

White cops

Aren't we supposed to

Be done with this

By now?

How can we be

THE LAND OF THE FREE

When so many in

Our country

Still fight against cruelty 

Thrown at them

Simply because they're 

Not white/caucasian 

George, Mr. Floyd 

He shouldn't have

Been murdered

By the men

Who claim to

Serve and protect

This man's story matters

George Floyd matters

Blacklivesmatter 

He deserves justice

God, please

Grant us peace

Grant us mercy

Grant us love

And PLEASE

Grant us justice 

Please help us

To be better

To be kind and just

To stand with our

Fellow humans

Because we all deserve

Safety and love

And justice

Help us be the good

And to stand for those 

Who cannot.

Thirty-Four

I turned 34 today. As always, my birthday feels like a surreal experience. Still does. I'll spend the whole year struggling to remember how old I am, and I'll finally get it to stick about the time I turn 35. Ha. Every year.

I think I figured out what my main hopes/goals/dreams are for this year.

First, I'm going to schedule ankle surgery. I'm not excited in the least because it will really screw up my finances, but hopefully I'll come out the other side with an ankle that isn't in a constant state of swollen pain. I just want to be able to crouch and kneel so I can talk to the little ones and play with my niece and nephew easily. Plus it'll make working and cleaning much easier. I want to be able to happily go on walks again. I miss that.

Second, I want to find a new job. I am incredibly fond of my coworkers, and my job isn't terrible, but I need something that doesn't rely exclusively on this body of mine. I was subtly reminded by my bosses today that my restrictions are incredibly inconvenient, and that it is unfair to my coworkers that I can't help with all the aspects of this job. It was just the most cheerful way possible way to start this birthday. 

Lastly, I am hoping that sometime this year that Tyler and I find out we're going to have a baby.  We really would love to have little ones of our own. 

And now I guess I pray and hope and do what I can to make this happen.

Hopefully.

Some Final Thoughts on 33

No broken ribs since the last birthday. Excellent.

Got to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. Glorious.

Spent the week after Christmas building a crazy Stranger Things Lego kit that Ty bought me for Christmas. Biggest build I've ever completed, and it was aggravating as all heck part of the time, but it turned out awesome.

Getting to live through a pandemic with the love of my life. Nothing feels right or normal anymore aside from the family we are now.

Dyed my hair pink. Again.

Lost an aunt and uncle to long term illnesses without Ty ever getting to meet them. They were both incredible people who loved well and deeply and were loved just as much.

Got to hold my niece and start loving on her. She's precious and a complete joy.

Got to see my nephew walk for the first time and also celebrate his first birthday. He's getting so big!

Had to buy a new car from a real dealership as an actual adult. Realizing in the process that I have no credit because I still don't have a credit card and I don't have loans. Life is weird.

Had many, many talks with God. Some hopeful for the future. Some looking for peace. Some crying out in pain and frustration and anger. I've been awed as ever in the fact that no matter what obstacle I have or rant or cry or anything, God takes me in stride. He knows my heart and my intent, and He loves me just the same.

Loved and was loved by my husband every day. He is a gift beyond measure. 

It's not all or exciting great, but it's mine. I am grateful.

Love,  me

Collab 4b: Stories

Collab 4: Stories

I use to write stories

About someone

I thought I knew

They weren't half bad

But they, apparently, 

Weren't true

Collab 3: Adrift

Lost.

These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.

Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. 

I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. 

There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.

How can we be so selfish?

And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments  or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)

All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.

I'll do my best.

I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream

Nothing lasts forever.

Collab 2: Fourteen

Collab 2: Fourteen

Dear Zuni,

I miss you.

You've missed so much. Every time I see a new movie I love or hear a great song or discover a new poem, I wish I could call you and share. 

I drove through Riverview this morning. I know you're not there, but I thought maybe I could feel you. Instead, I nearly had a panic attack because not only could I not feel you, I couldn't find the two graves I visit. Too many dead. Too many.

I bought myself orange juice and peach schnapps. You would've thought it was hilarious because I had to look up the recipe for Fuzzy Navel, and then I couldn't remember where the hell they keep schnapps in the liquor department. Brilliant.

Came home and made myself a drink. Probably the only occurrence in history where I bought things specifically to make myself a drink. I just don't drink. I'm sure that's no surprise to you, but I'm drinking one for you today.

A toast!

To the man who convinced me to write

To the man who made me laugh and who knew me deeply

To the man who helped me regain my faith that good men exist

To the man who spoke in code on my front porch

To the man my mother always loved to feed

To the man who once put condoms on my christmas tree

To the man who gave the worst/best dating advice

To the man who told me the story of "The Wind Cries Mary"

To the man who made me mix cds and understood the stories I told in mine

To the man who told me I was every man's dream girl

To my best friend

I miss you.

I love you.

Yours,

The former Ms. Cheatwood now Mrs. Ewens 

Collab 1b: Blender Brain

Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

Bit of a New Thing

What's up, yo?

Honestly, this should be an interesting thing.  I have no idea if we'll manage to keep up with this or stay on schedule at all (no promises), but my husband, Tyler and I are going to try and do a bit of a collaborative project. I am going to write a piece of poetry, and the next day we are going to try and post a picture that Tyler has created to illustrate the poem. We won't be talking about what the other one is creating, so he will be illustrating the poems according to what he's interpreting. We haven't tried anything like this before, so this could be really special for both of us. Ha.

Bear with us, and hopefully this will turn out to be something really cool.

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you.

Love,
J