Money is the Suck

Dear Everyone,

I hate talking about money, don't you?  I've learned that I can ask any of you to help with anything that I feel is important and doesn't directly benefit me, but if I actually have to talk to someone about money that is either owed me or that I'm trying to raise for my benefit...I am the suck.  I lose my words.

I apologize if I sound like an idiot in the near future.  Know that I'm trying to make sense and that I will do my best to answer questions.

Thanks for your patience.

Love,
Jaymin

So This Could Be a Mess

I slept last night & for the first time in several days didn't watch the sunrise without sleep. I was told last summer that if you go several days without sleep it can do permanent damage to the brain. I love thinking about that when I already can't sleep. Such a comfort. Ha. Some nights I wonder if this won't be what puts me in the nut house. Won't be a nice one either because I'm broke & I'd never want my family to try & pay. They deserve better. 

And then I say stuff like that and I do sound crazy. 

I got Calle a little hooked on Lost Girl with me. It's a terrible show. If it wasn't for Dyson, I don't think I would've kept watching, but I've emotionally invested in his character (& vests). I feel like it's Angel on steroids with a lot more sex. Like I need that in my brain. 

I am using the show to escape the present. The magic & myth of it fascinate me. I like that humanity is capable of creating so much in the way of additional ideas/characters/creatures/myth. I get it. We want to explain & explore. Sometimes we just wish there was something extra to us. That we were somehow more magical or had more of a gift. 

Sometimes we just don't feel terribly extraordinary despite (as Neil Gaiman says) the secret worlds within us. 

I like the idea of being able to charm anyone or create desire or whatever. It appeals to me because I struggle to find my own magic to make me appealing. 

I find this especially appealing when suddenly silence rings louder than words & I begin to doubt my importance in someone else's life/heart/friendship. It frustrates me. I'd adore the ability to touch someone and for them to tell me the truth about whatever I ask. Or to be able to read peoples' feelings for each other. 

I just wish I understood. Because, like so many nights lately, I'm just wondering what's going on. 

I'll move in a couple months (Lord willing) & then what? Will what I've created matter here?

You know why it's hard to put down roots? Because if I do, everyone can keep moving on without me and I'll get left behind. I move from place to place because when I get close to putting down roots, my world shifts & everything I want to build breaks apart. It's hard to put down roots in the desert. 

Maybe this is my 40 years in the wilderness. The only problem is, either I'm blind or my pillar of cloud/fire is gone. 

I'm tired of feeling like I'm too much, but also not enough. I'd like to say this is just a dry spell, but I don't know. 

Favorite things of this very moment (1:33 AM EST):

• Dyson (& his vests)

• Calle giving me sweet Bo hair (now I just need to figure out how to do it myself)

• That I actually feel tired

• X-men movies

• Memory foam mattress pad

• My fan

• Knowing I'm less than 2 weeks from going home 

Geez Louise, Louise.

I just finished reading 2 posts on a friend's blog about her struggle with depression, and a little bit earlier I was reading an email from my best friend who was telling me she's been struggling, and the only reason she was telling me this was that I emailed her this morning to tell her I was feeling a little like I was falling apart.

Today's been a weird, awful, good, weird day.

At one point today I walked out into a clouded day only to have it hail and then pour on me and then 10 minutes later I walked outside again and it was sunny.  South Carolina sometimes makes less sense than the weather of northern Illinois, and I didn't know that was really something that could happen.

Can I make a confession?  I signed up for Zoosk this week.  I also deactivated and deleted my Zoosk this week.  Took me 2 days to figure out how to deactivate it, and I almost didn't do it because today I had 2 messages with really ridiculous pick up lines in them commenting on how beautiful I am.  I emailed my best friend after deactivating Zoosk because I had to share with her the pick up lines, and also to whine because I realized it's been about 9 years since a guy has called me beautiful (excluding my family because the men in my family are wonderful and try to make sure I know how lovely I am for which I cannot thank them).  Well, maybe one other guy did...I had a guy ask if he could sleep with me once when he knew I was coming home on break from college, but the more I think about that the less I remember (or maybe the less I want to remember) and I'm not sure he ever said anything about my looks.  Maybe he just wanted to sleep with me because he thought I'd be up for that (which is hilarious since I was at a Bible college going to school for theology studying youth ministry and premarital sex is kinda frowned upon).

Let's just say that I don't think a guy asking to sleep with you is an admission of your beauty.

I got the Zoosk because I was hoping someone would tell me I was beautiful.  I won't lie about that.  I was also hoping though that I would read someone's profile and I would see the face attached to the words and somehow I would find the person I keep waiting for.  Instead I found a lot of hilarious pick up lines (which if a guy used them in person, I would, without a doubt agree to go on a date over, but via the Internet just makes them seem...well fake instead of funny) and a lot of spelling errors.  Somehow, I just couldn't do it.  Two of the messages I received were the worst spelled messages I've ever received in my life, and I couldn't get passed that.  At all.  On top of which, no one really seemed to have anything good to say.  Cheesy and a little funny, yes, but valid...not so much.

The problem with a couple of guys telling you that you are beautiful when you have lost sight/faith/belief in the reality of that in yourself is that it will suddenly occur to you that you don't believe they'll find you attractive if they ever meet you in person.  I mean if the guys you know in person don't ever seem to find you attractive or voice that to you...why on earth would you believe a stranger who is only seeing a couple good pictures of you?

This is when your best friend points out (rightly) to you that what you really need is to see yourself as beautiful because (she well knows) that if you don't find yourself beautiful you will find it hard to believe when others say it (even the man you love that you know loves you back).

What a mess.

Why is it so hard for us to see our own value?

For instance?  I know I am beautiful.  God created me.  I have value.  I am worthy of love.  For crying out loud, my capacity to love others is insane, but I still fail to see my worth.

So my project for this week is to find the things about myself that I know make me beautiful.

And now, because I've really neglected this...
Favorite things of this very moment (11:03 PM EST):

• The Gandhi quote necklace my mom sent me for my birthday ("be the change you wish to see") because she knows my heart and this is kinda my version of the theme of Children of Change, and speaking of Children of Change...
• Children of Change now has a website!  We're OFFICIALLY online!  That's right!  You can donate on the website or get involved with us or ask us your questions there.  Soon there will be links to our Twitter and we'll have a Facebook page soon.  We'll also have a lot more projects and opportunities to tell you about.
• "Medium" Unsweet Tea from Hardee's (because THEY actually understood the concept of UNSWEET tea...geez...I realize this is the South and I'm clearly a Northerner, but dear goodness, just give me my unsweet tea)
• Jordan having a new phone (Jordan...you have no idea how frustrating that's been)
• Emails from Nikky (it's too bad we don't have Caesar anymore...I'm pretty sure he would have been our Rowdy)
• That I have nowhere to be until 5 tomorrow (if I make myself go...which I need to because it's Calle & Marshall's grad party and I love Calle and Marshall)
• Vlogbrothers ...Calle got me to start watching them and now I can't stop (and Jordan really is Hank and I really am John)

Alone

The stars shine so bright

They twinkle on my ceiling

It's after 2AM 

& I can't find my rubber mallet

I could try the old songs

But it would just remind me

That nights like this,

At the edge of alone,

I want to set everything

--yes everything--

On fire

At least the flames

Would give reason

To all this heat

All is quiet

Save the fan blades whirring on

And I'm fighting the urge

To hope from kind words

From strangers

When we're so often judged

By beauty

I worry for my heart

And are the lonely

Truly the kindest

Or is that supposed

To read as damaged?

Because my experience

Only sees that so far

Sometimes running alone

For so long

Causes you to forget

How to interact organically

How can you like me

When you don't know me?

How can I let you know me

When I'm not sure I like me?

And I'm a cactus flower

In a lonely desert

And I'm the sailor

Called by your song to the rocks

How many boats will I lose?

How many deaths will I die?

Will I ever be enough?

I have the right skills

And my heart still beats

Can't that be enough?

Twenty-Eight

Twenty-eight. Feels odd to say. 

Today I turned twenty-eight. This is a new year for me. I am hoping to make good things out of this year. In August, I am hoping to head back to school to finish my BA in theology. 

I've decided to not try to tell myself a list of things I need to complete this year. Instead, I'm just going to live. I have a couple weddings to look forward to this year, a lot of Children of Change stuff coming up, and I'm sure I'll be surprised by other wonderful things as the year goes forward. 

So here I am twenty-eight. Let's see what you got. 

3 AM & I Wanna Go To Be-eh-ed

It's 3 AM and I miss home and sleep. 

In 24 hours, I'll be 28. Jordan told me to keep the parts of me I like and to keep improving on the rest. To love now and not dwell in the past. We'll see what this brings. 

In the past 24 hours I met, fell in love with, named, and was given claim to a kitten. Her name is Mulligan. Ian found her in the parking lot of his work. He was afraid someone was going to hit her. He's gonna take care of her until I am done with ABC next May. I think he just wants her with someone he trusts. I'm okay with this. 

I was also said to be dating Evan as well as Jordan by nice people at Bethel. I feel like dating a pair of brothers would end badly. (Sinner.) Funny how I'm not dating either of them. 

Got a chance to tell Shelby we're going to be roommates come August. She seems pretty excited. I'm just looking forward to sleeping on a real bed and not this dang couch. Plus I won't have to question dairy products. 

Now I gotta wonder what the next 24 hours will bring. 

Cliff Diving

Day after day I question my heart and my intentions. 

People ship us. Do you realize this? 

You're lovely.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and I can't decide whether to dive or not. My adrenalin is starting to surge, but I can't decide if I'm ready for this. More worrying? I'm not sure I'd land in the water or hit the rocks if I do jump, and I'm not sure I'd survive hitting the rocks. I've done that before, and I barely survived. I'm just now nearly healed from that fall; am I really ready to risk this?

Know this: if you decided to clear away some of the rocks or show me where I could jump, I wouldn't hesitate. I would choose you every day, and I would do all I could to make you laugh. I would support you as you continue to grow into the man your becoming. 

But I don't think I'm really what you want or what you're looking for. 

It won't be long now before I find myself staring down the rocks. If I'm smart I'll pull myself away from the edge. 

I miss reckless desire and being fearless.