Nothingness Enshrined in a Surplus of Words

Favorite things of today's moment (3:42pm CST):

• Cranberry Cheddar Cheese
• Visits from people while I am at work
• Virtual flowers
• Knowing I have accomplished today's said goals
• Having a Friday off to look forward to
• The concept of seeing the tallest of my favorite people this evening, even if that time is all too short and completely unrelated to this tall individuals desire or lack there of to see me
• Eyeliner
• Little girls dressed up in their ballerina outfits for dance classes
• Taking short walks to run errands
• Books

Enough of that.

I am incredibly warm. Let's start with that. I am, for all intents and purposes, feeling as if I am sitting on a heating vent with all the warm air blowing directly up the back of my shirt, which, if it where freezing, would be a wonderful thing, but as today is in the 80's and the air condition doesn't seem to be affording me any real possibilities of cooler temperatures, this is not a thrilling prospect.

Moving on.

Accomplished feelings are abounding today. Because I was woken up at 7:30 (a time which I avoid being conscious for if at all possible), I have actually gotten things done. Honestly, this can also be said because I ended up working all day today for my mother instead of my normal 2 hours on a Wednesday afternoon. This means that I was in the office (still am) and therefore did not have the distraction of a television with DVD/VCR capabilities rendering me helpless to watch movies I've seen millions of times all over again and sucking me into the vortex of laziness (which is common on Wednesday mornings, if I'm conscious to see them).

Instead, as I said, I've been at work. Here I was actually able to complete the necessary prep work for my test tomorrow. I have a beautifully typed set of notes to take with me. Notes that are legible. Notes that have helped to jog my memory enough that I should actually know what I'm talking about tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll even go to bed early enough that I can wake up a little early and pick myself up a cappuccino full of the caffeine I will be desperately in need of tomorrow morning. Maybe.

On an entirely different note: I think I may be having a slight allergic reaction to something here in the office. Since getting here this morning, I have had several little bumps appear in my arms and chest. Can't say I'm very excited about this development considering all it does is cause me to itch and have weird streaky highlighted red marks whenever I can no longer stand it. My brother, David does not have this problem. If he has a mosquito bite, even if they're on his toes or hands, he does not itch them. His willpower is impressive. Sometimes I envy him for it. He never looks like he has a bad splash of sunburn around his mosquito bites. Most of the time you never even know they're there. How is this possible? But moving on.

The other possibility (outside of the obvious allergic reaction theory), is that something is biting me. I haven't seen any mosquitoes in the office, but I wouldn't put it past those sneaky little insects. Or maybe a spider. Or something. I don't really know. Maybe I've caught some strange child's disease: chicken pox, mumps, something. I don't know. It's bad enough that my ring and pointer finger on my left hand are swollen from mosquito bites that decided to magically appear the other night while I was talking on my phone to Nathan while outside. I was even walking. How could they catch me? Apparently I need to walk more quickly. Although, this would cause a problem seeing as though that might cause me to breathe more heavily which makes talking on the phone awkward, especially when the person I'm talking to happens to be of the opposite gender (even if he has decided he's gay).

I'll be glad when it's colder. No more mosquitoes. I can wear a hoodie and my vans when I take a walk and it won't make me feel overheated. The leaves will be colorful and crunching beneath my feet as I walk up and down the sidewalk. The air will smell like autumn, that cool, deep, rich smell that comes with burning leaves and cold, and at night it makes you wonder if what you smell is the stars that seem to shine just that much brighter and colder at night.

Honestly, I can't wait.

Lists and other wonders of the day

Favorite things of this very moment (6:45pm CST):

• Finding a copy of a book I've been wanting to buy for 25 cents at a used book sale.
• Knowing my tuition payment went through without any problems.
• Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
• Jonny Lang's "Lie to Me" cd
• Toothbrushes
• Owning a laptop
• Wireless that's free from the Public Library
• Not owning a blue-tooth related anything

As I was walking across the street to go to the library tonight, I saw 2 black dogs. They were pretty big and one of the looked a little older. They both had well-worn collars with shiny metal name tags, but they were obviously lost. I don't know who they belonged to, but I wish I did. They took off before I could figure out who they belonged to. It made me feel kind of guilty too.

I don't know how silly that sounds to most people, but I'm real sentimental and I feel concern for animals on a regular basis. Especially if they seem to be lost pets. All I could think when those dogs took off was I hope they don't get hit by a car. It just really bothers me to think that something could happen to those dogs and I should have been able to do something. You know?

I prayed for them. Even if that does seems childish or superfluous or whatever. They were living breathing beautiful creatures, and I just hope God protects them and gets them home safely tonight.

Also, they planted new trees. The dogs didn't (don't be such a smart alec, I know you were thinking it!), but the guys from the "city" (aka the "village") planted new trees. I left for school this morning and there was nothing, but when I came home from work there were at least 2 new trees on my block. Not little bitty ones either, we're talking hardy looking saplings that should provide me with shade in another year or two. Despite the sarcasm that you might be thinking you sense, I'm genuinely excited about these new trees. More oxygen for everyone around.

As I've been typing this, I've been talking to my friend, Amber's boyfriend. He's been wandering the library. Justin said he wanted a book. He's having trouble finding one. Then again, he also said he doesn't have a library card. I told him he should probably go get one. I mean, he lives just down the street, like I do. Currently he's at the circulation desk with my mother and Mary trying to figure out how it's possible to have fines for a book at has disappeared but was returned that he's never heard of and can't imagine having a reason to have checked it out years ago if he did. Bizarre.

Real

To be honest, Nikky, if (which I'm sure you will eventually) you are reading this, (what a poorly constructed sentence) you will find later on that all of this is said in my letters to you. I plan on still giving you these letters even though you'll probably read it all here first simply because I believe written copies are more coveted and honest and real and personal than anything I can possibly type here. I'm putting the following here so that if someone does stumble across this, they can consider it to. It's completely honest, so *shrugs* make of it what you will:

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and it's really making me think. A lot. Maybe more than I want to just because it seems like Don is talking about me as much as he's talking about his own experiences. His feelings are my feelings, his words (though much more beautiful and brilliant than my own) are my words.

I'm about halfway through Blue Like Jazz. The line, "You are not above the charity of God," has haunted me all weekend. Like God's trying to convince me. I know it's true, but, like I've said before, pride is really an issue I have. It goes with growing up without much money. I've put on this tough kid facade. I was always picked on for being unfashionable, for having to eat hot lunch at school that the state paid for, for being different, for being a tomboy. It gave me an excuse to be tough about a lot of things. To not show emotion. Too proud to accept charity or help when I needed it mostly because I was never willing to show that I needed it. It just added to everything else. I never wanted to tell people I was struggling because I didn't want their pity, but the reality was, God was trying to provide for me. I just let pride get in the way. Why do we do these things? Or, more appropriately, why do I let myself do these thing?

In the chapter called Romance, I'm amazed to see so many of my own seemingly irrational fears in print. I'm terrified that I'll fall in love, get married and then my husband will realize he's made a mistake, or I'll realize I've made a mistake. I'm terrified of telling people how I feel about them, but mostly, I'm afraid once a guy sees me for all that I am...I'm afraid he'll run. I'm not perfect. I have a very dark, very unpleasant side which, I will admit, has had it's up's and down's in size and existence over the years, but still...it's very much alive and there.

And even worse, what if someone gets to know me and realizes I'm very fake. That sometimes I agree to ideas and functions without legitimate reasons or without fully understanding or hearing it out. What if he sees me for the spaz that I am, and realizes he can't deal with the fact that I rarely have the strength or stamina to see things through, and that I' not nearly as charming or witty or funny as he's believed. That sometimes I'm a liar in the fullest sense of the word. What then?

Then there was the chapter titled Alone. It's very real to me. The following paragraph makes more sense to me, and is more real, than almost anything I've read recently:

"I know about that feeling, that feeling of walking out into the darkness. When I lived alone it was very hard for me to be around people. I would leave parties early. I would leave church before worship was over so I didn't have to stand around and talk. The presence of people would agitate me. I was so used to being able to daydream and keep myself company that other people were an intrusion. It was terribly unhealthy."

When I went to Sauk initially, I lost touch. When I came home from ABC, I lost touch. Now, I'm working on maintaining contact! I've been the person Don is talking about in this paragraph. That was me. I had lost touch, but now I'm trying to grow out of that. I'm trying to be who God wants me to be because He never created me to lock myself away and be alone.

There is a quote by Marianne Williamson that I feel says it all as far as what God created us to be:

"Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world."

I love this quote. I have it in several different locations and in several different profiles on line because I want people to see it. I want to remember it, and I want others to realize its profound truth. We shouldn't play small. I shouldn't play small. I should live for others, not just me. I should be living for the community, the group, the people God places in my life. They are relevant and wonderful and real. And so am I.

Feelings

I have had a void living in my chest for years. Three years now. Three years of holding an ache so deep inside me that I've refused to feel.

I don't know how hard it is to understand that concept. I know for me to try to explain that has been hard. The last heartbreak I had to endure was just more than I could bare. It's just hard to have that many forms of heartbreak compounded into one another in such a short span of time, and it allowed me the excuse to shut down.

The point of all of this mumbling is that, well...something is changing. Over the course of summer, my heart has changed. Softened somehow. For this I am grateful. Yeah, it does mean that I'm back to being in a position to get hurt, but I've also realize that I'm okay with that. Heartbreak is part of life.

Besides, I write better when I'm like this. I realize that this post is probably not a good example of that, but I can't say that really matters to me.

I am feeling. I'm infatuated to say the least, but this has potential. The more time I spend with this great guy friend of mine, the more I am starting to allow myself the idea that maybe he could like me too. Maybe I'm not crazy. Maybe we could be more.

Maybe. And I'm willing to wait to find out.