Go to Sleep.

I should be asleep. If I just put this stupid iPod down I probably could go to sleep, but I've got a lot of little half-finished thoughts scurrying and maybe sending them out into the universe will silence them for the night. It's worth a try, right?

First, what if I'm not the Beauty, but the Beast instead? What if I'm the wreck someone has to see through? What if I'm the one who needs to learn to love and somehow win someone's love in return or I'll be stuck like this forever?

I watched Beauty & the Beast the other day while I was watching Piper, and the thought's been rumbling around in my head. I remember reading Twilight for the first time and relating to Edward's "what if I'm not the hero, what if I'm the bad guy" line better than almost anything else. What if I really am damaged goods? What if I never find a way to be the good in me and instead become my dark? 

Second, sort of, how many times do you need your heart-broken, to be looked over, rejected, invisible, second best, the back up plan, best friend, or forgotten before you give up or your heart just dies? Because I may have hit that mark. I'm starting to think I really may get no bigger role in this story than comic relief/crazy aunt/awkward, invisible side-character. I am so blessed with my family and friends, but what am I trying for? I realized today that it's been nearly a week since I wore make up or earrings/jewelry or did my hair or plucked my eyebrows. I look like hell. No one has noticed. Hell, I didn't notice till today. I can't even find it in me to care. I'm invisible, so what does it matter?

And this is what scares me. 

I think I'm letting myself just say to hell with it and giving up because I'm so fragmented. I know I need to keep going. I know I need to be grateful. I know I need to sleep more, spend more time outside, write more, pray more, eat less, and do more to find a new job, but...seriously...what am I working towards?

I've spent the past 8 months of my life believing I had a future and that I'd finally found a place to belong and do some good. This turns out to be a bit of a joke, and I find myself feeling betrayed, completely broke, and moving back in with my parents at 28. 

Third, my grandma's making me a "magic" quilt. I know she is just wanting me to be happy. She wants me settled with my own family, and I love her for that. I just wish it would work. It's insane to hope for though because I still haven't been able to work through the mess of who I am and no one else deserves to deal with this. 

Fourth, the one bad thing about babysitting for Piper is that it makes me desperately want my own kids, but then makes me question whether or not I'd be a good parent. None of this matters since there's no guy in the foreseeable future, but whatever. 

Fifth, I am struggling. In everything. I am tired of answering questions:

• No, I am not going back to SC anytime in the foreseeable future. 

• No, I won't be at ABC in the fall like I planned (possibly not ever).

• No, I haven't been paid. 

• No, I can't pay my bills. 

• Yes, I am looking for a new job.

• Yes, I am still doing work for CofC. 

• No, I'm not dating anyone. 

Those are my answers, and I don't think things will change anytime soon. 

And now to sleep. 

Broke Blind Bedlum

These days people are trying to convince me of my goodness, my worth, and that I'm going to be alright. I feel bad for them. No one should watch someone they care about feel like they're caving in. It's scary, messy, frustrating business. 

It's odd because I've been on both sides of this equation, but I feel like I live on the collapsing side now. It makes me angrier and darker. I am struggling to see how anyone could stand being near me or listening to me. 

And then I get a text from a friend reminding me she loves me or I get a perfectly timed email from my best friend reminding me why she's always been the "other half of my soul" or a sweet friend tells me that I just don't see the impact I have on others or I convince one of my brothers to write a funny 80 page story by Christmas as a bet or my mom asks me to read the story at the library story time this week or you find 2 TV shows with characters exactly your age going through their own twisted version of your life or a friend says she wants to come take a walk with you after work later this week...

Then I suddenly have Hugh Grant's words in my head "I have a sneaking suspicion if you look...you'll see live really is all around."

I genuinely have no idea what I want from life anymore or what I'm actually capable of because it's been a long time since I believed in myself or had a real dream that I wanted for myself. I have been thinking about it, and I'm honestly not sure I know the last time I feel like I was put in a place for me. I've gathered a truly amazing group of friends, but every place I end up feels like I'm their for everyone else's needs or to build them up or their dreams. I don't have a problem with this, but I'm hoping someday my heart can be one of the ones being fixed and worked on for a change because I'm wondering how I'm still breathing and how it's even beating with all these holes and pieces missing. 

I am a mess, but, thank God, I am not alone. I will hold myself together. These new wounds and breaks will become scars and I will keep moving.

I Love It When a Plan Comes Together

There are few things in life more delightful than watching a book or story you've written come to life. I got to spend a little time with my fantastic and incredibly talented sister-in-law, Kelsey who is doing the illustrations for a children's book I've written. Seeing her sketches & ink drawings of my little armadillo is truly a treasure. She is bringing my creation to life, and with a little luck and time and a good deal of perserverance, I think we'll get this published. Out of all the crazy bits and bobs of my life currently, seeing my book actually come to life with Kelsey's endearingly adorable drawings is easily the most rewarding. 

My hope is for us to get the book finished this year (illustrations and all) and find a way to get it published with the next. I want to make sure Conor gets to have a copy of this of his own before he outgrows it. (Especially seeing as how the story is one I wrote with him in mind.)

I can't wait. 

Well Maybe I Lied: The Jaymin Cheatwood Story

Someday, when I write my memoirs, my memoirs will be titled Well Maybe I Lied: The Jaymin Cheatwood Story.  It will be a weird and rambling tale that covers everything.  All the mess, the death, the loss, the sickness, the insanity, the lost love, the unrequited love, but it will also cover the little miracles (and the big--the angel, for instance), the surprises, the incredible blessings, the support and love of my family and amazing friends, and the hope.

It will be a story of changed plans and a changing heart and a growing, changing woman because no matter what plan she seemed to have, it seemed God had something different and better...sometimes it just took her a lot longer to catch on than she should have.

My plan for over a year now was to be in SC forever.  I was done moving and running around and everything.  I would be there working with Glennis on Children of Change till the end of time, and that was totally alright.  I wanted that.  That was the life I fully believed God had led me too.  And then it started changing.  I still believed I was supposed to work with Children of Change for forever, but I was starting to believe that what I needed was to go back to ABC to get those last 23 credit hours so I could officially have a BA from ABC in theology with a major in youth ministry since I intended to be working with kids all the time for CofC.  It made perfect sense.  Anyone who has talked to me or been reading this blog for the past few months knows that I followed that plan.  I've signed up for classes to start this fall, and it was going to all work out.  I was going to be able to add a lot of credibility to our organization.  I was even going to apply for my ministerial license after graduation so we could have two licensed ministers on staff (Kim and I both)...

But the truth is...it's probably not going to happen.  Granted, I could be wrong.  I frequently am these days, but maybe not.  I will continue to work for Children of Change, but, at the very least, my summer plans have been altered.  I had planned to be up here in IL with my folks and family for just two weeks, and now I'll be here till at least the end of July.  Depending on how July goes, it may be significantly longer.  I may be here until January or God only knows when.  All I know is that this decision, though it complicates many things, is the first time I've felt peace, real peace, in months.

I can't decide if I'm being selfish or if I'm actually being sane doing what I'm doing right now.  Maybe I just needed to do some running to end up back where I started all over again.  I may still do ABC this fall or in the spring, but it's going to take a lot more praying and a bit of a miracle in order to make that happen.  Honestly, I'm wondering more and more if perhaps, I was listening to the panic and the contingency-plan-making bits of myself deciding to go to ABC.  I'm trying hard to be brave, to do new things, to do the right thing, but sometimes I have no idea how to do that or even what the right thing is, and right now that sums up nearly every day.

So I am going to take the next couple of weeks and do some research.  I may be looking into some alt. school plans.  I also am going to see if I can learn anything more about knitting because I have access to people who can teach me things like that right now.  I have already written myself a giant to-do list for this week, most of which I probably won't get done, but I'm going to try to tackle as much of it as possible.  Plus, I figure, as long as I am here, I am going to try to be a blessing to my family and do as much as I can around the house to make life easier for them, and I will try to spend more time with the people I love here.  I also have the opportunity to do some more work on the children's book I wrote.  My sister-in-law is working on the storyboard/illustrations for it at this point, and I think if we actually can meet a little more regularly and discuss it, we may actually figure out how to get the crazy thing published!  How insane would that be?

On to a new week and new crazy and new challenges.  I may not know where I'm heading yet, but I do know that dark as the road may seem, there's light in the distance.  I'm gonna be alright.

God's got this.

Reminder in the Rain

The earthy smell of summer rain is coating over the ache of too much worry too little God. This wild lightning outside my window and the storm rolling in are reminding me of who wins in the end. Despite the neurotic, depressed, sassy mess that I am, the God of this storm, this truly beautiful, utterly powerful storm, loves me as his own. He created this storm, and He created me. 

I may not be as far reaching or blindingly beautiful as lightning, but I am a spark and light through the darkness because that's what my God and Father created me to be. And I may not be as powerful and my voice may not be as loud and commanding as this storm, but I have the strength of the God of thunder to guide me. His power is in me, and with Him in me and guiding me, who can stand against me? And my voice can speak with power and thunder when it needs to speak up for those with no voice or who need their stories heard. 

My God created me just as unique as the clouds and bolts of lightning. He made me beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cleansing, and life-giving. I am grateful this storm can remind me of what I sometimes lose along the way. God's reminders of His power and strength and of what He created in me never cease to blow me away. 

Close your eyes, listen to the storm, and I think you'll remember too. 

Poorly Plotted Discussion of Insanity

I cannot pretend to know the context of Spike's quote here because I am not far enough into Buffy, but I can say this, I understand those words. 

I have been looking at my heart lately and trying to see a future. I look at my heart, and I worry. I am not the woman I was a year ago, and I still haven't decided if that's something I can be happy about. 

A year ago I was scared because I knew I needed to find a new place, and I realized the little family I'd created, though completely fantastic, didn't need me like I needed them. This is not a bad thing. They were a unit, and they needed to be, but in the end that meant I needed to move. So I let myself get talked into moving even further from my family because I was told I'd have a home and a paying job. All I wanted was a job I could support myself with, and a home. 

I still am struggling to believe that I made a good decision. I'm struggling to believe that any of this is actually what God intended for me and that I didn't just screw it up. All I want is to know where I land is home, and to walk my path faithfully.

I know my heart. I know my desperately longings. I know the darkness I stave off and the darkness I am tired of fighting. There are days, too many days, where I wonder if I'm still human. I think it's the depression that tries to convince me that I'm a monster and that things won't turn around, but it's hard to say. 

I just want someone to hold up their end of a story or promise or idea. I'm sick of being the last one paid, the last one picked, and the one people use as a source and not the story. 

Either treat me like an adult and the "wonderful" person/friend/employee/lovable creature I am or tell me the truth: that I'm a jerk or a monster or not worth your time or whatever. At least then I will know what's worth giving up. 

In an attempt to start healing myself up (or to give myself a little time to do just that) I've decided not to text or contact the men in my life first. There are a few exceptions to these rules, but in an effort to stop pretending I'm important to at least one of these guys, I think it's wise to cut myself off. 

In an attempt to start clearing away the bitterness and "what if's" in another section of my life, I got the materials to make a gift for the new baby of an old flame/former best friend. I am hoping that if I can channel the residual good and love from our relationship into something for he and his wife's first kid...maybe I can finish walking away without tripping over a pit of my own bitterness, longing and loneliness. Maybe I'll actually heal a little. 

This may just be insanity or stupidity, but I hope these two ideas help. It would be nice to be in control of at least s little of my crazy. 

Favorite things of this very moment (1:27 am cst):

• The breeze coming through my window

• The sound of crickets

• Sleeping in my jean capris because I forgot to do laundry

• Having some good plans to look forward to this week

• Summer night sounds

• Vicks Puffs tissues

Imploding

My brain is on fire and even though there's a strong wind tonight it's only causing the fire to spread. 

I am in my own bed in my childhood home and tonight I'm trying to decide if I'm stuck in a cycle or if it's just the tired and the lonely eating away at my brain. 

The other night Calle and I decided to give up the addiction/unhealthy relationships we have with a guy in our life. Both of us need to either find new guy best friends or we need to get use to having only close girl friend's because what we've been putting up with is not alright. So in detoxing from a long standing on-again off-again emotional/psychological addiction to a man who shifts more than desert sands because I'm 28 and I'm done with this. 

My dear friend Jay, who my kind readers may fondly remember as "the tall one" from ages back, is getting married to my friend Kim on Saturday. They belong together, and I'm glad they've fond each other. Annoyingly this wedding has put me in a weird mood, and I am having vivid, hungry dreams. Especially when the dreams have decided to become specific, detailed, and leave me aching with longing I can do nothing about. My brain is a cruel creature these days. 

This is a night where John Mayer's "Edge of Desire" best speaks my lonely heart "I'm just about to set fire to everything I see / There I just said it / I'm scared you'll forget about me." 

Yep. 

Here I am, the forgotten, the lonely, the sleep-deprived contemplating investing heavily in romantic novels, cutting off my ties to the Internet, trying to convince myself that I do need to return to SC eventually, and wondering if the newly forming scar on my hand will be permanent. 

Too much. Always too much.