All I Say

Dear,

Hey...I want to apologize.  Lately, I've been sending you tones of texts, even when you can't/aren't responding.  I'm sorry if this makes you feel smothered or makes you wonder if I'm kind of a creep.  It's just, that, well, I trust you.

I know you may be sick of me.  I probably say too much between the texts, posts and letters, but sometimes I just need to get things out of my system.  You are my safe harbor, my sounding board, and when I find something beautiful and worth sharing; you are who I want to tell.

Hopefully the mix cds don't make you uncomfortable or bored.  Maybe they're not all the kind of music you'd typically pick, but they're the songs that write out my stories, letters, words to you, if you listen.

I'm sorry if I call the women you fall or care for idiots.  It just makes me crazy when you're chasing a girl who clearly can't see you like I do.  No woman alive is worth your time if she doesn't see how incredible you are.

Do you really realize how I see you?  I see you for the good you truly are, and the man you are working to become.  You are kind, brilliant, witty, honorable (even in unlikely circumstances), even poetic when you fight, interesting, musical, talented, inspiring, a romantic (to your very core), and incredibly handsome (even if you can't always see it).

You see, I adore you.  This is why you receive this insane plethora of words, ideas, secrets, hopes, and dreams whether they flow or not, because, I guess, my bigger hope is that you want to know my secret worlds as much as I want to know you, and I am sorry if this is not the case.

However you feel, I have never meant anything but the best for you, and I hope we can always joyfully be a part of one another's lives.  I will keep dreaming, and I will do my best to lift you up.

Even if I never get a chance to become a deeper part of your life, God put you in my life for good reasons, and I intend to cheerfully see it through.

With love,
J

Ps.  Did this just make it weirder?  Eh.

Today is Something Good

Today, despite my body's insistence that it heal slower than I'd like and my right ear's insistence in feeling mildly achy, has been beautiful.

Today, I ate peanut M&M's and they didn't make my stomach feel terrible.

Today, I found the water bottle I accidently (and partially due to lazy/tiredness didn't return to retrieve before) left at work in the exact spot I left it.

Today, I was paid today (not much, but something that will keep me afloat for a little bit longer).

Today, I paid my cell bill and realized I still have some money to start putting toward doctor bills.

Today, I spent a lot of time this afternoon watching the first season of SNL with my brother, Forrest today which gave me a lot to laugh at.

Today, I was told that my crush on Chevy Chase was perfectly reasonable.

Today, I got to spend some actual time reading a book that, despite being a dating book (The Ten Commandments of Dating by Ben Young & Dr. Samuel Adams), is actually causing me to look at my own outlook on life and start working toward real and healthy change.

Today, Jordan told me he has a new low horse named Cloudy O'Sanchez (I told you I would use it, and this isn't the end).

Today, I sang along to a mix I made myself to help get over someone, and found that it feels a lot more empowering and hopeful than it did at the beginning because now I can see that I'm actually healed up and heading forward.

Today, a box was delivered to my house (via my wonderful sister Amanda) full of love from some of my favorite Georgians.  The box included a shark hat Marcus and Regina found on their honeymoon, a book of devotions, a giftcard to Starbucks (YES!), eye shadow, sweet notes from people I love, an awesome new blanket, the bouquet I was supposed to carry for Marcus and Regina's wedding (which is now being displayed on my dresser right next the the bouquet I carried in Amber and Jake's wedding), and a sweet tote bag.  I feel so loved.

Today, I found out my wonderful Nikky, her sweet husband and my stud of a nephew made it back safely from their month-long trip to China.  I have missed them more than words can say.

Today, Amber gave me the recipe she used to make pumpkin pie smoothies, and I am not intending to make them in the incredibly near future.

Today, I bought pie crusts so that I can use this great fall weather to get some baking done.

Today, my mom came home from work and handed me to my own copies of both "Fletch" and "Sense & Sensibility."  They're on VHS, but I can work this that.  I'm excited.

Today, my mom also came home from work bearing the October Real Simple and "The North Avenue Irregulars" DVD which the library got for me through interlibrary loan (I love interlibrary loan, what a wonderful program).

Today, I spent a lot of time hearing our wonderful heater going on and off.  I do so enjoy the weather getting cooler and fall settling in.

Today has been beautiful and it has been easy to see God at work.  I hope your today has been something great for you.

Thanksgiving in the Months of August & September

August and September 2012 will be a months I never forget.  The whole of my summer was pretty intense and wacky, but I have to say the end of this summer may be what sticks out most.

You've probably read some of the insanity that's gone on in my life for the past couple of months, but what I am learning to focus on are the ridiculous number of things and people and situations that God has blessed me through.  This is my Thanksgiving summer.  Truly, my thanksgiving summer.

So here's what I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

• My insanely supportive family who have done everything from visiting me in the hospital every evening I was there to making me tea to carrying things for me (which I'm still not allowed to do) to praying for me to making me laugh.  They're wonderful.
• Giant water bottles I got at the hospital.  They're huge and they keep everything cold for a long, long time.  I love it.
• Morgan Glawe.  Honestly, I can't thank her enough for her support, encouragement, book lending, gifts, and time.  Morgo, you make me happy.
• Amber, Kimmieboo, Heather, Hilary, and Regina.  For the prayer, support, laughter, and for Hil busting me out of the hospital to bring me home.
• My iPod (thanks, as always, Carson...this thing is fantastic and continues to survive so much).  It kept me sane several different nights at the hospital when the sounds and people in other rooms were too much for me to deal with anymore, and has been a wonderful thing to keep me sane here at home too.
• Jordan Durham.  For reminding me that God always works for the good, telling me that I won't always need reminders to be patient, making me laugh, and being one of the best friends I have ever had.
• The internet.  For allowing me to talk to Nikky even though she's been in China through most of the past month.  
• Nikky Wu.  My best friend, for praying for me even when she was half the world away, for making me one of the best care packages I have ever received, and for always being, well...the BEST.
• Kimzipan and Jay for bringing me the circle-a-word puzzle book, laughter, and magazine with Ryan Reynolds right there on the cover the night I got home from the second round of hospitalization (I am glad I have you in my life, and I'm glad you're together...it needed to be).
• Foods that are healthy and still taste good which make dealing with pancreatitis and gall stones much, much easier.
• My church families (IL, MI, OH, GA, MO, NB)...God continues to blow me away through your kindness, prayers, love, support, and generosity.
• Hope.  I would not be able to do any of this without God constantly showing me that their is always hope.
• Jake and Amber's continued love, support, and reminding me that I have a place to move into when I'm ready (and thanks for taking care of those couple boxes of books, I can't wait to live with them again).
• Amanda and Rich.  For all the prayer and kind words on top of the sweet care package full of tea and joy and socks.  It meant the world.
• Barf bags.
• The insane flexibility of my office in working with my terrible health and crazy number of doctor's appointments.  This is terrible for me, but it's been no picnic for them either.
• Having a fan next to my bed at night while here at home because I'm finding the sound gets me to sleep when nothing else seems to.
• Kevin Rogers.  He may not know it (he may never know it really), but he made the day of my surgery, and going down for my surgery so much less scary.  I know this wasn't an insanely terrifying surgery and it's fairly common, but with everything else that had gone wrong lately...his belief that my surgeon was a good guy, making me laugh, and telling me it was all going to go just fine...I believed it.  I am forever grateful.
• Texting.  I would have gone insane while in the hospital without it.  Well, without texting AND cable TV (the Travel and Food networks really are addictive).
• Books.  I find myself reading a lot lately.  Fact and fiction.  I am grateful for every writer ready and willing to put pen to paper and tell us how the story goes.  I have needed that a lot lately for my little mental vacations (special thanks to Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer for writing both Agnes & the Hitman and Don't Look Down.  Please collaborate on many more books so I will have new favorites to read and new reasons to laugh; I need them).
• Knowing I'm healing every day, even when I feel lousy.
• Feeling that I am truly growing closer to God each and every day of this and finding that it's all worthwhile because of that.

Mind you, this is a very abbreviated list, but it's a start.  I am so thankful.  I hope Thanksgiving is something I can keep going in October too.  Let's see where God takes all of this.

What are you thankful for?