Last Call

Doesn't Mean I'm Lonely
1. Rose's Turn (Glee Cast Version) - Glee Cast
2. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
3. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
4. Calling All Skeletons - Alkaline Trio
5. Am I Reaching You Now - Train
6. Oil and Water - Incubus
7. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra
8. Lose Your Soul - Blue Skies
9. In the Middle of a Mess - Jason Bruce
10. Everybody Knows - John Legend
11. Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw
12. Expo '86 - Death Cab for Cutie
13. Summer is Over - Jon McLaughlin feat. Sara Bareillis
14. Find My Way - The Gabe Dixon Band
15. Say Anything - Good Charlotte
16. Friends, Lovers Or Nothing - John Mayer
17. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
18. Nothing to Remember - Neko Case
19. If You Will - Dave McGraw & Mandy Fer

Dyed

by Robby Cavanaugh

“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.”

-Marcus Aurelius

The past few weeks have been strange.  My soul is restless again and I think it's in anticipation of change; I just don't know what change yet.  

I hate the waiting and the wondering.  God knows I'm not any good at being patient though I guess I have gotten a little better with age.

There is a poster board covered with a very large Venn Diagram stuck on my bedroom wall at the moment. It has two headings: "Should I Stay?" "Should I Go?"  It is saying a lot about the people I love, the places my heart resides, and what I want to do.  There are a few things connecting them, and that tells me a lot too.  I need to take into consideration my health, my financial situation, the fact that I do actually have a small grey monster that is my responsibility, and my heart.  I still don't know where I am going to end up or what I will be doing next, but I do know that I am longing.  It is an ache that is permeating everything.

I know that I need to find a way to truly like myself.  I have said it a million times, and hopefully this will be one of the last times I repeat myself, I need to change this.  I am unhealthy physically on a number of levels, and unfortunately, I have a lovely talent for ending up sick when I am stressed or worried or frustrated.  Pretty sure this is one of the ways God reminds me to slow down, shut up, and listen.  I am home sick today for day two after wanting to strangle the whole of the world on Monday.  Now...I am trying to listen.  I don't want my twenty-sixth year to be one of giving up or shutting down.

I am pretty sure my soul is dyed a deeply morbid and whiny color as a result.  Ha.  Never the less, I am working on changing that.  I want my soul to be died a bright sunshine yellow and green like new leaves, the orange of sunset and the shimmering whites and blues of summer night stars.

Bring it on 26.  I won't be defeated this year.

Ps. One last thing, Favorite Things of This Very Moment (10:41 AM CST):

• This picture of my nephew, Xavier being his happy and wonderful self.  If only we could all be so much ourselves.  I hope you find your way to do that, I intend to.
• The coffee my mom left me this morning because she thought I might just want it.
• "Old Enough" by Jason Bruce because I'm pretty sure that today it is my life
• Forrest telling me he has an interview next week for a job and seeing him so happy about it
• Sweet comments, well wishes, belated birthday notes, and general kindness from the people I love most
• Death Cab for Cutie.  Always.
• The time between coughs when I feel nearly normal
• The gold sunshine that is bathing everything I see in its glorious summer-esque radiance, especially the young trees in our front yard that absolutely glow green in the light
• Summer breezes that carry the sent of my coffee and cool air across my face
• Comfy pj pants
• My anklet that reminds me of Shelby, Josie, Amber and CWS
• Joel arguing with Mira (honestly, mornings can be so silly here)
• Life.

Twenty-Six

Today I am 26 years old.  A friend of mine looked at me this morning and said, "You don't look any different." He's right, I pretty much look 25.

Another friend of mine told me that this was my new year and that I should enjoy it.  I have decided to think of it that way.  I am going to figure out what quests to pursue, places I want to see, changes I want to make.  I will take pictures, dance badly, and find more ways to enjoy life.

Welcome to my new year!  Bring it on, 26!  I am ready for you!