WHEN

There comes a point when I feel selfish asking for prayer. You want to know what the deepest desire of my heart is? To have a man in my life that will let me invest all my love in him who will pursue my heart. 

No, I'm not done no online dating anymore. I don't think I could do it again. I just found out this past week has that one of the other guys (beyond the Thibault fiasco) I was trying to talk to was a fake account as well. As a person who's big issue is trust, somehow this kinda destroys my abilit to think online dating is an option. 

The fact that my closest friends all keep trying to tell me that sex isn't really all that great isn't really helping much these days either. I don't care. I don't care if you don't really like sex. I don't care. You at least have the option, and you have another human being that finds you desirable. The last couple times a guy has claimed I was desirable it was only in a vain attempt to try to seduce me by making incredibly crude suggestions without knowing anything about me. Pass. I may have the sex drive of a 17-year-old boy, but at least I also can say no. I would like sex, but within the context of a marriage to someone who believes I am the only one they want to choose till the end of time. 

I have been alone for 11 years now. Parts of it have been spent waiting on various men or pursuing them, but nothing has really come from this other than a few more cuts and one pretty dang deep scar. I spend a lot of time cheering on other people's hearts and convincing them to be brave. I don't want anyone else to feel hopeless or alone. 

People tell me to say WHEN I get married. Not if, WHEN. But when you're halfway through a week where you've got $21 till payday, your check engine light on (but you keep forgetting to call the shop), a heatwave but no AC, an ex who you just found out is now in porn (and is super upset that you found out), a new job to find, a move to figure out, and on and on...makes me wonder if being alone is better. Why would anyone want to be pulled into the messy, fluid, wandering life I've created. 

WHEN. 

Maybe. 

Change Again

Today was my first day back after being in Ohio for a little more than a week.  Part of me is surprised I made it back.  My mom told me she honestly thought I'd come home, turn in my 2 weeks notice, pack up and leave.  Leaving my godsons, my best friend, my sister and my niece...those were some of the hardest things ever.

My life is about to change again.  I'm a little terrified beyond all reason, but I think it's time I take a step out of the dang boat and let God catch me if I start sinking.  I feel a little like a shark.  If I don't keep moving, I'm gonna die.  I'll just wither, and I'm already starting to feel pruny.

So here's to 2nd or 17th or whatever chances.  To moving on and forward and facing fear as best I can and trying to lean hard into God and trust that this will work out somehow.

Sigh.



Now, on an unrelated note, a list of my favorite things of this very moment (9:28 CST):

• Ghostbusters (the original, but I'm looking forward to seeing the new one quite soon)
• Finding out that I actually get Sunday off, so I'll get to be in church!  Woo!
• Going through pictures from my trip and looking at my munchkins
• Mulligan insisting that she be wherever I am every moment since I've gotten home from work
• Moments where I think I might just figure out some kind of flirting after all (ha)
• Putting my order in for 2 t-shirts my brother created!
• Actually being tired and potentially being able to go to sleep here very soon

When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?


Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

• Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
• Fans
• My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
• The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
• Agnes & the Hitman
• My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
• Calle's advice on boys
• Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
• Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
• Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

The RAF Motto & Me & Grave Disappointments

"Those who risk win."

- RAF Motto

Yeah.  I've been thinking about this quote all day.  Last night and the day before too.  (That and Coach Z singing, "Coach Z's got money, but not much/Coach Z's got money, but not much/I could use a dollar/I could use a couple bucks"...I blame Joel for this.)

Today I got to ask Nikky what level of bad it was when the past few guys that have given you their number have been...uh...less than truthful about who they are.  I mean, at what point to I just start carrying things with me to throw at any guy that approaches me at all?  Is there a time when I'm just supposed to say "to hell with this" and convert to Catholicism and become a nun?

It might be hard to both say "to hell with this" and become a nun.  Plus, I have godsons to think about.  I can't be running off to become a nun.  I wouldn't be able to make money to spoil them with anymore, and that's totally unacceptable.

Dudes, fair warning, if I find out that you are lying to me, I will become a bad thing for you.  I may appear sweet, but I am a fighter.  

I wish risking was paying off, but I'm not sure it's ever gonna be a thing.  Not in this arena anyway.  

Thirty

Happy birthday to me.

My brain is turning inside out with the realization that it's just after midnight, and I am now 30 years old.  What am I doing with this new day--this new year?  Well, I'm listening to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on RiffTrax playing as I write this.  Yep.  I lead an exciting life.

In all honesty, I am having a really hard time processing the reality of being 30.  I know it won't sink for awhile, but hopefully I'll make this new year a good one.

I think my birthday gift to myself with be going back to school.  I don't know the exact when and how, so don't ask.  I just think I need to make myself do it.  I'm getting stagnant living the life I'm currently in.  I am a shark, I gotta keep swimming or I'll die.

Outside of that, I have no idea.  I am going to try to keep myself going to the gym, and maybe try to get myself a passport finally, but one thing at a time.


Maybe 30 doesn't have to be scary.  Or maybe it is meant to be scary and this is just my year to step up and prove to myself that I am the courageous one I was once said to be. God's got this, and hopefully I'll be walking with him instead of being my typically stubborn, frightened self running ahead or trying to run a different route entirely.

Welcome to the new year, Jaymin Louise. Let's make it a good one.

I'm Tired.

You ever say one thing when you mean something totally different?  I do this on a daily basis.  Most of the time it's unintentional.  Usually it's me trying to answer someone's questions about how I feel about something.  I'll get done answering their question only to realize that I said one thing and that it probably meant closer to the exact opposite of what I meant or at least it was different enough to cause confusion.

Sometimes my brain just does this great thing where it automatically reroutes my answers so that I can tell people generic things in an attempt to protect them from me.  After I say something aloud it sometimes hits me that I just lied to someone about how I feel.  I hate it.  If I'm lucky I can catch myself and restate my answer.  Especially if it is to someone I know genuinely wants to know the truth.

Lately this has become a real struggle for me.

I find myself telling one specific lie over and over and over again.  I think it's just my brain's way of trying to derail a conversation and throw off any kind of suspicion before anyone can worry.  "I'm tired," I'll say looking directly into your eyes.  Lie.  Not complete, but not truly honest.  I don't sleep.  I've always had trouble sleeping, and when my depression or stress or anxiety gets the better of me, I'll start the cycle of sleeplessness all over again.  So it's not a full lie, I mean, I am tired.  Often exhausted, but the problem is, when you ask me how I am, I usually have about a million other feelings that are more unsettling or louder than just being tired.  I just don't always know how to express it.

I am tired, but I am also fighting.  Daily.  I'm fighting to be the best version of myself I can be.  I'm fighting to keep finding light through the darkness.  I'm fighting to see the good and not dwell on the bad.  I'm often lonely, and that's why I'm trying so hard to connect with other people.  That's why I try to make everyone around me laugh and why I try to write encouraging notes and remember the details about other people...I don't want anyone around me to feel this ache I feel.  I don't want anyone else to feel like this.  I am tired, but I feel like if I express to someone else the depth of the sadness or the level of anger I feel that it will frighten them.  My heart is the Mariana Trench when it comes to emotions and often the ones I feel deepest are the farthest in that trench and I try to keep them there.  I have them sunk in those inky depths for a reason, and it's probably because I think I'm protecting everyone else from me.  No one wants to listen to someone talk about their anger or sadness or depression, so instead of telling you that I feel hurt or alone or depressed or angry or frustrated or trapped I'll just tell you I'm tired.

Is any of this healthy?  No.  Not really.  I know this, and I'm trying to find a safe place to deal with it, but in the meantime I'll continue to write these weird blog posts that help me empty out my head like I do my pockets at the end of the day.  Hopefully they'll help someone else feel a little less alone, and maybe we can talk about it.