Collab 4: Stories

I use to write stories

About someone

I thought I knew

They weren't half bad

But they, apparently, 

Weren't true

Collab 3: Adrift

Lost.

These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.

Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. 

I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. 

There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.

How can we be so selfish?

And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments  or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)

All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.

I'll do my best.

I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream

Nothing lasts forever.

Collab 2: Fourteen

Collab 2: Fourteen

Dear Zuni,

I miss you.

You've missed so much. Every time I see a new movie I love or hear a great song or discover a new poem, I wish I could call you and share. 

I drove through Riverview this morning. I know you're not there, but I thought maybe I could feel you. Instead, I nearly had a panic attack because not only could I not feel you, I couldn't find the two graves I visit. Too many dead. Too many.

I bought myself orange juice and peach schnapps. You would've thought it was hilarious because I had to look up the recipe for Fuzzy Navel, and then I couldn't remember where the hell they keep schnapps in the liquor department. Brilliant.

Came home and made myself a drink. Probably the only occurrence in history where I bought things specifically to make myself a drink. I just don't drink. I'm sure that's no surprise to you, but I'm drinking one for you today.

A toast!

To the man who convinced me to write

To the man who made me laugh and who knew me deeply

To the man who helped me regain my faith that good men exist

To the man who spoke in code on my front porch

To the man my mother always loved to feed

To the man who once put condoms on my christmas tree

To the man who gave the worst/best dating advice

To the man who told me the story of "The Wind Cries Mary"

To the man who made me mix cds and understood the stories I told in mine

To the man who told me I was every man's dream girl

To my best friend

I miss you.

I love you.

Yours,

The former Ms. Cheatwood now Mrs. Ewens 

Collab 1b: Blender Brain

Collab 1: Blender Brain

Here I am
scribbling notes again
Chance encounters during errands,
pictures in old cabinets
sometimes the past feels
too close

Do you ever wish
she was me?
Sometimes I wonder
what you could possibly
see in me (like every day)

My beautiful eyes
and that perfect
"Doctor Who" quote
It means the world,
but I still ache to
hear you say
"You're beautiful."

I've seen her picture
She had your heart
(and more)

You love me,
I know it's true,
but I still don't
understand how you do

Am I worth this trouble?
With all my flaws and faults?
With all the ideas and beliefs?
With my brokenness, my mental health and
this busted up body of mine?

Can you see what I can't?
Because I have an ache in my heart
from the smiling stories
of all the old times I missed

My own story feels like
darkness broken by up by stars
until you showed up
and the sun rose running golden
into afternoons that feel
like home and childhood and
front porch talks

But I still find myself
laying here
singing "Hey, Jealousy"
and hating my brain,
when you smile and take my hand
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."
And I have to laugh
We are our own story
and I am beginning to realize
this is the start of something
I get to keep
and it will never end

Bit of a New Thing

What's up, yo?

Honestly, this should be an interesting thing.  I have no idea if we'll manage to keep up with this or stay on schedule at all (no promises), but my husband, Tyler and I are going to try and do a bit of a collaborative project. I am going to write a piece of poetry, and the next day we are going to try and post a picture that Tyler has created to illustrate the poem. We won't be talking about what the other one is creating, so he will be illustrating the poems according to what he's interpreting. We haven't tried anything like this before, so this could be really special for both of us. Ha.

Bear with us, and hopefully this will turn out to be something really cool.

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you.

Love,
J