After the Fall (The Best of Intentions)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:06 pm):

• Italian Sparkling Blood Orange Soda from World Market
• Terrence's quest for good male friends in this area
• Chocolate Mint Big Train Coffee Drinks (hot with whipped cream is best)
• That I will be done with first semester in 2 weeks
• That I work tomorrow (I NEED the money)
• Having the occasional brilliant idea
• A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
• Seeing I have a new voicemail message from Nikky (which I will listen to as soon as I leave work)
• Christmas decorations
• The pleasant and reoccurring daydream where I run around popping those ridiculous blow up Christmas bears and Santas and Reindeer, etc. that people have in their front lawns and then all of The Village holding a parade in my honor because we are finally free from the torment of these commercialized Christmas impostor decorations...bwahaha...*cough*...um...yeah...

I was typing an email earlier and realized there was something more to be said. I fall a lot. I don't mean in the physical sense (though I do a lot of that too...I'm clumsy, it happens), but in the sense of my goals. I have all these great plans, goals, and projects, but I never finish them.

I cannot seem to finish projects. The first example of this that always comes to mind is the checker board. My parents were given a checkers set from my Grandma Cheatwood when they got married. She made it herself. The pieces are little hearts and it's completely adorable and checkers were my favorite game for years and years because of this set. (what a poorly constructed sentence, I apologize) My Grandma gave me the pattern so that I could make my own set when I was probably 11. I had every intention of making my own set so that I could keep it forever and have it when I eventually moved out (yes, this was my thought process at 11), and I started it and worked and worked and worked, and eventually...I got bored. I was distracted and frustrated by the amount of time and energy that was needed to complete this simple project. I gave up. A few years later, I learned to cross-stitch. I got a really cute pattern and I intended to finish it so I could frame it and give it to my mother. I worked and worked and worked and eventually, you guessed it, got bored. I was frustrated with the fact I kept making mistakes, but instead of rectifying these mistakes and correcting them, I just gave up.

There are numerous other examples of me doing this. Books I've started writing, cds I've started mixing, piano, guitar, papers, essays, books I'm trying to read, poems, blankets, classes, friendships, keeping my check book balanced, friendships, jobs, etc.

When the going gets tough, as the saying goes, the tough get going. The only problem with this is, they don't say where. I get going, but it has a tendency to be in the wrong direction. Instead of sticking it out and accomplishing something more, I run. I hate the act of running, but I'm real good at doing this in every day situations. If I could change anything about myself, that would be it. I want to be more focused. To be able to stick with one thing till it is accomplished and not let things keep me from accomplishing my goal, even when it gets frustrating or tough.

Again, my questions all come swirling back in a cloud of discontent, and they whisper to me one word: how?

How do I go about accomplishing my goals? How do I learn to change? Or will this, as so many other things before it, become one of the goals I give up in the face of adversity?

*sigh*

I want to change.

Short and Sweet.

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):

• Mr. Heater (which is a propane heater that has the ability to burn one through one's jeans if one is not incredibly careful)
• That Aaron lights Mr. Heater for me (because if I tried it explosion and/or death would result for me and possibly any of the guys that happened to be nearby at the time)
• Literature Resource Center (online no less)
• Allergy medication that keeps me from feeling like I'm going to die
• My Fiji water bottle
• The wireless connection at work
• My laptop
• Fingerless gloves
• My beanie
• That first semester is almost over
• Walking up to pay for TGIFriday Sour Cream & Onion Potato skins and finding out they are on sale and getting to The Cheese Shop in time to buy a Blumer's Cream Soda and then getting back to the office to find out there are tangerines in the fridge...Perfect
• Accomplishing the 4 pages rough draft minimum...
  

Yep.

Small

Favorite things of this very moment (6:16 pm):

• My covenant ring
• That I don't have to go back to Sauk until next Tuesday
• That I'm only 4 classes away from the end of 1st semester
• That I am signed up for classes for next semester
• Orbit Spearmint gum
• The fact that the library is across the street from my house (and that Mom works there)
• Fake fireplaces that look give a spectacular ambiance
• Facebook's Interview application

Mist has officially descended onto the Village and surrounding towns. It makes me think of all those previews for that movie which I believe was uniquely titled "The Mist." Excessively original, but none the less, creepy. This fogginess has got me a little frustrated. It makes travel excessively slow and has severely messed with my otherwise productive plans for the evening. On top of which, it's helped push my mood into this obnoxiously sullen mode. Not very pleasant.

Seeing Shane at school today somehow made me feel a little less small. He wears a t-shirt inside out at least once a week. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that before. I'm not really sure why he does this, and I never can figure out how to properly ask. I don't want to be intrusive, but it's a curious thing to do, especially for a 22 year old young man. It's kind of endearing in a way too simply because it's a little quirky.

I've felt pretty small the past couple days. When you have kept yourself going by thinking, "well, he's in love, or at least thinks he is," only to find out that he's already jumped to the next girl... You realize that you don't really fit in anywhere in the grand scheme of his life or his heart outside of this weird position you've gotten yourself into where you are someone he can have listen to him on the bad days.

But what about the good days? Or when he needs someone to just spend time with, who does he call then? Not you. Nope, those are the days he wants to spend with the new girl.

Which is more confusing because you start wondering if he's been leading a sort of double life for awhile. Here you've thought that he's been alone for so long, but what if he's just been going from girl to girl, just never really been serious about one. What then?

That's when you say to yourself...is he a fraud? Maybe he's really not as mature as you've thought he was and maybe he has no clue what love or anything close to it really is, and if that's the case, maybe you don't really want anything to do with him at all. And so you become a little disgusted. With him and with yourself for believing in him, but at the same time...

At the same time, you realize just how little you really know about him, and you realize you have a hundred million questions that you'd like to ask him. But you don't know how. Do you call him and tell him that the two of you need to go out for coffee sometime soon or do you just email him your questions, because maybe he'll think you're crazy or maybe he won't be honest, and you know that in the end, your opinion will be the only thing you no for certain is real because you don't have any close friends in common so no one can tell you what's true and what's not.

But you've always believed in him.

And now you're perceptions of him are totally skewed and you're stuck wondering and feeling small in the face of the new girlfriend who graduated from college early and teaches elementary school and wants to go back to get her PhD in Genetics of all brilliant things. Maybe she could win the Nobel Peace Prize and drive a Ferrari while she's at it because the fact that she's caught his attention is apparently already something more than what you can actually do.

At least for now.

And so it is...you feel small. And you feel tired. And you begin to wonder if that toast between yourself and your mother last new year's really stirred the winds of change because although no one died, you're really not sure if this has been a better year and all your affirmations seem to be stretching thin.

*shakes head* Enough of that.

My Grown-Up Christmas List

Favorite things of this very moment (4:07 pm):

• The fact that I work at a job where I can play on the computer and no one thinks that's weird or bad
• My Fiji water bottle
• Not having to carry a book bag around today
• Not having school today :)
• Finding a present for Forrest
• Sales at World Market (Blood Orange and Pomegranate juices...I'm in heaven)
• Tape measures
• Quench hand lotion
• Finding James Taylor's Christmas CD on sale (Don't laugh, he has a very soothing voice)

I realize it may be a little early (technically) to start talking about Christmas, but as I've already mentioned in my favorites list that I bought the first of the Christmas gifts I intend to purchase, I feel I can skip the typical wait till after Thanksgiving protocol. That being said, I'd like to discuss my Christmas list for this year (both the real and the insane, the possible and the dreams):

1. Instant weight loss. I would like to lose all the excess weight I have accumulated over the years. I don't know if losing weight can technically be a gift as it is the absence of something, but it would be a gift I would like to give myself. In a magical world I could wish for it to all be gone and for me to be the perfect shaped woman I've always dreamed I'd be, but I know this is reality. Christmas will not see this goal accomplished, but it will have seen the beginnings of change.
2. Incubus' Alive at Red Rocks DVD. (Hopefully I'll convince David that he can get me this)
3. Truth serum. I am not kidding. There are so many people I would like to have, just for a little while be completely honest with me. (Ex: Jeff, Jay, David) I think it would be interesting to give myself a little as well and fill out some of those surveys I always have around because I'm sure there are some things that I don't even realize or admit to myself.
4. The Holiday soundtrack. Yep.
5. A life plan. To know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to figure this out so that I can actually plan to do something and accomplish it for once. I don't like the fact that I'm overly analytical and second guess myself constantly
6. A new journal. My old one is almost at an end.
7. A pass which would allow me to fly wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and take whoever I wanted with me for free. I would be in Ohio constantly. I'd take Saturday classes at ABC. I'd fly all over the world: Greece, Italy, England, Tahiti ("I'd go the whole wide world/I'd go the whole wide world just to find her/I'd go the whole wide world to find out where they'd hide her"), and Hawaii. I'd visit all those spots people always say you should visit, but you never have the money to because you can't afford the plane tickets.
8. A puppy. Having a puppy would force me to be more active and walk at least a couple of times a day, even if it was cold. Wonderful exercise, new friend.
9. A Philadelphia Story on DVD. It's still one of my favorite movies, and I still have managed not to buy it.
10. To fall madly in love. But what's more, I'd like that person to fall madly in love with me to. This person has to be male, believe as I do, want children (even if that means we have to adopt them), read...a lot, intelligent, be musical in some manner (singing, playing an instrument, whatever), gets along with my family AND my friends, and have an amazing sense of humor.
11. UHF on DVD. I don't have it and it drives me crazy because Forrest and Joel haven't seen it and when I say things like "Badgers, Badgers, we don't need no stinking badgers!" Or "Turtles are Nature's suction cup. Watch!"...they have no idea what I'm talking about and just think I'm crazy (which is not entirely untrue).
12. My very own sweet party house. With root beer kegs and Nikky as a roommate (this is a MUST). I don't know what more to say about that except that it would be just about the coolest thing in the entire world not to mention very conducive to creativity, insanity, and lots of laughter and pointlessness.

I think that's plenty enough to think about for now though it is no where near the full extent of my Christmas list. Enjoy. And hey, Merry Christmas. Even if that is a month and a half early at this point. :)

Best Friends and Leading Ladies

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):

• Getting to talk to Pauline (my friend from Sweden) on IM
• Warm socks
• My huge mug/bowl thing that I can put lots of mac & cheese in
• That Joel's headache went away and that he was able to get his homework done
• Quick responses to my emails
• Pictures of William Isaac
• "The Holiday"

I feel accomplished today. I got my sociology test done, did some shopping for my mom, and now I'm enjoying my down time. I need to finish my American Lit reading, but that's about it. Even more lovely? That I don't have class next Tuesday. I don't really have to do much of anything other than come up with a topic for my final paper until next Thursday. How lovely is that? It's kinda weird thought to just because I haven't had this much down time since starting school in August. Honestly I haven't had any real downtime since August. How nice.

I started thinking way too much on my way back from Dixon today. I don't want to be the best friend forever or the substitute person, but I am. I'm an expert at it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in this position because I need to be teaching just as much as I have to learn.

Think about it. I am a romantic to the nth degree. I've helped a lot of guys be the best boyfriend they can be. I've been a sounding board for ideas, I've helped plant hints, I've done a lot of errands and been on a lot of crazy shopping trips to help guys find that perfect thing, I've listened to a lot of stories and helped so many guys see where they went wrong. And then of course there is the unavoidable reality that I do all I can to make them all they can be. I've been the best friend of a lot of guys and the first girlfriend for a couple. Each of those times I tried to make sure that wonderful guy knew all the ways he was perfect. That he was hilarious and caring or strong and steady or whatever.

I know I am capable of encouraging and being a help to the people I meet...I just wonder if while I'm being that help...well I wonder if one of the guys I help will come back to me. I just want to know that I will find someone who will be all that I've seen guys are capable of. I've had to let some beautiful souls and wonderful men walk away for one reason or another, and I'm wondering if all of this will come around to me.

I feel selfish for saying that, and needy besides.

I've watched "The Holiday" several times this past week, and the thing that sticks with me isn't all the uber-romantic stuff, but instead that Arthur tells Iris that she's playing the role of the best friend instead of being the leading lady that she truly is. I already know that Iris is easily the most me-like character I've ever found in a movie, so the fact that he says that, it just hits me upside the head with the fact that this is exactly what I'm doing. I'm playing the best friend all the time, but never working on being the leading lady.

Being the leading lady doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. It doesn't mean that I'll have a line of guys following me around, and it doesn't mean I have to stop being friends with the guys in my life. It just means that I need to get a clue. I need to stop with the moping and stop wasting my time. I need to be me and work on being more comfortable with who I am and doing what God is leading me to do. I need to lead, not to constantly follow. I don't need a guy. I'd like one, but I don't need one. What I really need is to be just fine the way I am. If God wants to add to that, He will, but it's not something I need to be obsessing over (not that it will stop right this moment, because it definitely won't).

It will be just fine. It'll all work out. It can only get better.

Right.

Now, I think I'll go start working on being all I can be today, and go from there.

Good News, Bad News

Favorite things of this very moment (6:38 pm):

• "Flame" by Cheap Trick (which is, incidental the last song I heard and the one that is on repeat in my head)
• Long replies to short questions
• Emails from Jay
• Babies
• Good voicemails
• Having an excuse to get off the phone quickly and that excuse being that I have to call everyone in the universe to tell them I have a nephew (notice: NOT niece, nephew!)

I am ecstatic. Lacey and Billy had there little boy. His name is William Isaac. He is 9lbs 7 oz and is 21 inches long! *sigh* I love babies. This means that I have to finally send out his baby blanket tomorrow and that I can go back to Walmart and buy that adorable little Tigger outfit that I wanted so badly to buy recently. This baby is getting spoiled!

Outside of that, I had a particularly long email in response to an incredibly short couple of questions. I was impressed with the length and sincerity of the response. I feel incredibly blessed to know that I mean enough to this incredibly tall person that they want to be honest with me. It leaves me feeling a little achy though...I hope someday someone talks about me like this. To know that someone cares enough...

"Bingo!"
"Scrabble!"
"Enough games! To the ratmobile!"

And on that note, I'm out.

A Tribute to Pointlessness

Favorite things of this very moment (1:08 pm):

• Transworld SURF magazine (I got my first issue yesterday and have been reading it ever since)
• http://www.timmycurran.com/ Check it out and download his cd "Word of Mouth" for free. It's actually a pretty sweet cd. (I found him in Transworld SURF because he is well...a surfer. haha)
• ITunes, despite it's quirks at times. (that and the fact that I still do not own an Ipod....someday...*sigh* haha)
• My white long-sleeved turtleneck sweater thingy (got me a lot of compliments on Sunday and it really is warm)
• Seeing David Ortiz on Regis & Kelly this morning (don't even ask why I was watching Regis & Kelly...I really am NOT a fan...but for David Ortiz...)
• Smiling

I'm doing way too many things at once. I'm trying to write this entry, delete music off Itunes, and email some other friends. Too much thought all at once. I think I'll focus on this first.

I should be reading my homework, but I've been needing a day off from life for awhile, so I'm slow to do anything I don't really want to do. As a result I've done very little outside of laundry, showering, listening to music, and enjoying Transworld SURF. I'm such a dork, but this magazine...fabulous.

I guess there's not much a point to this outside of the list. Forgive me. I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today...I just am in an insanely good mood for absolutely no reason and felt the need to share it. So I think I'll leave you with this fabulous note:

"life-lumps": testicles. Yes...that's what I've learned from reading Walt Whitman. :) I do love his poetry...for so many reasons. haha.