When I Can't Sleep

Sometimes I worry

I'm trapped in my own head

What if you're not coming

And nothing can rescue me

As I am falling asleep 

I catch the whisper

Of old dreams & plans

You're voice still echoes

And I keep running

When does my heart stop?

Can't I just lie here

And die here tonight

Just empty this failure

All the hollowed out dreams

There are new scars

On this heart in me

One of these nights

I'll still the whisper

And new words will

Wash over me

It'll soak through the pain

Till it fills up the heart in me

And finally, finally

It'll find me healing and free

A Little Advice

Baby,

You need to look into going back to school.  Yeah, it will be a lot of money that we don't have, but it's still looking like it might be the best option.  Maybe we could major in psychology with a minor in English Lit.  Grief counseling is seeming like it's a more viable option than just about anything else.  Think about all the people who open up and talk to you about just about anything on their hearts.  Yeah, it would hurt to listen to a lot of it and you'd have to learn how to not cry over so many things, but maybe, just maybe it would be something we could actually do to help other people.  Think about all the pain you went through losing Heather and Zuni and Sarah and all the other people you love that you've lost.  Don't you think having someone walk alongside you through the mass of grief you felt would've been a huge godsend?  Sometimes people just need someone who is listening.

Or maybe we should major in English Lit and then become a prof who gets to explain to students every day why books and literature still matter.  You'd get to use the word catharsis on a regular basis again, and let's be honest, you love that word.

If you don't do either (or both) of these things, than we need to really look into publishing some of the rambling things you've already written.  Get that children's book published.  It's adorable, and you know it could sell.  You'd even get to dedicate it to Conor because, let's face it, when you wrote it, you wrote it for him.  And you'd also have to dedicate it to Maggie.  You promised her that your first book (because she believed it even when you didn't, still kinda don't) would be dedicated to her.  Or write one of those stories that gets stuck in your throat when you try to talk to someone about it.  Talk about the men you let close to your heart or the one you planned to marry or the one you hoped you would.  Or maybe stick to writing more children's books.  

Just do something, sweetheart. Otherwise all the things you've been holding onto or wishing for...they're never going to happen.  Make something happen.  It's time.

Love,

me

Mulligan of the Heart

Favorite things of this very moment (4:35 PM EST):

• Closest I Get by Katie Herzig
• Vanilla Almond Milk
• Texts for Shelby that remind me of terrible/wonderful jokes
• Checking items of my to-do list
• Clean looking nails
• My migraine finally deciding to back off
• The IT Crowd (I'm in the 3rd season already, and it's so hilarious...I hate that there's only one additional season for me to watch on NetFlix.  Meh)

I hadn't made a list like that in a long time, and it was long overdue.  I was talking to my lovely friend, Heather last the past couple days about how I need a do-over of the soul.  I want a mulligan of the heart.

Last week I spent a lot of time being stuck in situations that I didn't expect.  I got snowed/iced in to Atlanta, GA.  (How does this even happen?  It's supposed to be warm down here?)  I had a long walk/talk with a friend who told me they once wanted to be a dancer and when I told them I also once had wanted to be one...I realized no one probably had ever heard me speak of that long-dormant wish since I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I can look back now and say it was probably for the best that I didn't pursue that dream as I have a very wide bone structure and even at my skinniest would never have been chosen to dance professionally anywhere (plus I have the worst balance/coordination ever and probably would have destroyed my ankles early on), but still...I don't know if I've talked about that dream since I was quite young.  Weirder still was then being told by the same friend that he thinks I have a beautiful bone structure and arms.  Two compliments that I not only had never received before in my life, but also never could have thought to be hearing said of me.  It was nice to just be hearing kind, though strange, words about myself.  No one ever wants to say anything about my physical appearance, and it was just lovely to hear something good.

What else?

I spent one of my snowed/iced in nights sleeping in a living room with 3 other wonderful/hilarious people all of whom are a good 7-10 years younger than me.  All of them spent a good deal talking about mistakes they've made growing up and the struggles they are trying to overcome as people trying to come closer to God.  It was bizarre and inspiring and heart wrenching all at the same time.  They made me really look at my heart as of late and reassess.

It was pretty easy to see that I have let myself become a tangled mess, a heart covered with so much in the way of scar tissue that I can barely tell it's beating anymore.  My loneliness has lead to bitterness which has lead me to a lot of time spent just ignoring God out of tiredness and fear.  I've been alone for nearly 9 years at this point, and I suppose I should be use to it by now, but instead of working harder to grow into the woman I'd like to be...in a lot of ways I've been giving up.  I've been bitter because I just am struggling to see where I'm going.  People will tell you that you don't need to see where you're going, that you just need to have faith.  To trust that God will lead you where you need to go...

All those sentiments are true.  You do need to have faith and trust that God's gonna lead you where you need to be, but I also think--I think--you need to have something to run towards.  I don't know if I really have that anymore.  I should.  I have many amazing things happening in my life, but I feel like I keep watching everyone around me find what they're looking for while I'm still trying to figure out what direction I'm heading.

I jokingly told a friend of mine the other day that maybe I'll move to Canada next.  They seem friendly and kind up there.  We've got a couple churches in Canada.  There are a lot of trees and lakes.  Why not?

And then I think, but I'm supposed to be creating a nonprofit that will help young people find their passion and find a way to use it for good.  Ironically, I'm not sure what I want.

I want to be helping to encourage and build up the hearts of the people around me.  I want to help them find hope and love and feel God's hand and love in their lives.  

My problem is that this bitterness that I've let creep in and slowly take hold of my heart...it's tossed my hope out the window.  It's been trying to bury it or hide it or cover its tracks.  

So here's my thought, I want that mulligan.  I want to re-do all of this.  I want to toss out all the weird that's been holding me back and turning my light to dark.  I want to say more kind things, be honest about my needs upfront, want to write more thank you's and kind letters.  I want to read more books and drink more green tea and take my vitamins and relish the sunshine and keep my Christmas lights up all the year because they make me smile.  I want to give people little gifts and return the things I've borrowed.  I want to pay off my debts and learn more Italian words and let Calle teach me a couple chords on my ukulele.  I want to take the time to read my Bible every day (I did finally remember to pick up the Bible reading program thing that Bethel is doing so I can actually be involved in my church like I should be) and actually do more ab workouts.

It's a lot of weird little things and maybe they won't actually change anything, but maybe they'll change everything.

Worth a shot isn't it?  Anything's better than letting my heart actually get cold.

More good.  Be good.  Find the good.

Really, Girl. Do It.

Note to Self:

Seriously give up guys this year. Just work on your heart and abs and leave guys alone. You're not in a place to deal with them. They aren't interested in you, and you need to stop running yourself full-speed into the wall of rejection. Put your heart someplace safe for awhile so you're not tempted to give it to the next jerk who flirts with you or seems kind. When a guy finally shows up and asks for your heart, then you can decide whether or not you want to give it to him. Until then, just stop. 

Learn your darn ukelele. Buy yourself good clothes. Learn more Italian words. Write letters. Save money. Just take care of you. Even if you just manage to do this for the rest of the year...it would give your heart a chance to heal, and maybe you'd hear God a little more clearly. 

You've got this. 

Longing

I hate distance.

More specifically, I hate being distanced from the people I love.  Tonight I feel a horrible ache because I miss Nikky and I miss my nephew, Conor.  I want so badly to be in Ohio so I can drive over there first thing in the morning and talk to Nikky about virtually anything while listening to Conor sing along to Bruno Mars.  I want to get to hold Conor's beautiful little brother Quinlan who I have only been able to see pictures of so far.  Nothing is as good as getting to hold a new baby in your arms and tell them you love them.

I miss Jake, Amber and Ellie.  I can't erase the feeling I had when Ellie was handed to me less than an hour after she was born.  I was the first non-blood related relative to hold that baby, and the first aunt to get to do so.  I've never been so in love with anyone or anything in my whole life as I was the moment they handed me Melody Grace.  She was so tiny and so incredibly beautiful.  I couldn't fathom how God could create anything so tiny and so wondrous.  Something so beautiful that I could hold in my arms and love.

I miss holding babies.  I love that whenever I get to go to Atlanta, I get at least a little time to hold Malachi.  I am so blessed with these beautiful nieces and nephews.  They're so beautiful and growing so quickly.


I had this beautiful/awful pair of dreams one night about two weeks ago, and they've been haunting me ever since.  In the dream...I had an incredible man choose to start a life with me when we both realized the risk involved and the challenges marriage would present, but we decided it was worth the risk.  Then, in the dream, we had a beautiful baby boy.  He was so real, and I felt that overpowering feeling of love and joy as I did when getting to hold Ellie for the first time.  It was incredible, but the more amazing part was that this child was mine.  He was mine.  No one would ever be able to take him out of my arms or away from me or act like he was anything by my own.

But then, of course, I woke up.

There's something incredibly painful about waking up from a good dream.  That one hurt most of all.  That dream let me believe, however briefly, that I had actually been blessed with everything I had ever hoped for in my life since I was a little girl.  I had found a man to share my life with and we had had a child of our own and we were incredibly mind-blowingly happy about it.

I have been told I will probably never be able to have children because my body is flawed in its own marvelous way.  The dream kinda twisted that knife.


I hope I have another dream like it.  Maybe that sounds sick, but I want those dreams.  I want to still have hope.  It's been so ridiculously long since I felt like there was even a little chance that I could truly find love and even longer since I believed that even if I did find someone to share my life with that I would ever have the chance to hold a child in my arms a know that that precious creature was mine.

Please don't let me lose hope.

Perhaps this Hope is What I Need

Tonight I've teared up over two things: the ending of "Amelie" and the simple fact that a man like Tom Hiddleston exists in the world. 

"Amelie" is just do beautiful. Odd-balls, dreamers, finding love and spreading good deeds and closure to lonely people. Everyone needs that. But the scene where she opens her door to go find Nino, to be brave...it cheers me on. Two dreamers/romantics playing a game, risking their hearts, and finding the joy they can find in this crazy world. Is anything so beautiful?

As for Hiddleston, well, he makes me smile. It makes me feel hope. Good men exist. Men can still appreciate poetry, respect women, have love for children, care for the needy, be kind, dance like a fool, and laugh at themselves. If I knew someone like that who was crazy enough to care for me, I'd spend every day for the rest of my life loving him, blessing him, and bringing him all the joy I could fit in a day. In the meantime, I know Hiddleston exists and tonight that's enough. 

2014

Goals/Resolutions/Plans for 2014:

- Find a way to visit the ocean

- Sell/give away more of my possessions

- Write more thank you's

- Try to pay off my medical bills

- Give up trying to make a relationship happen

- Overall be healthier

Yep. This year I'm going to try & keep it simple. 

I'm as ready as I'm ever gonna be; bring it on 2014.