(32) Closing Time?

I'm struggling to pull
fact vs. fiction
maybe my heart
really is a little closed down
Am I shutting you out?
Or is it really just this loud
in my head?
I don't mean to spread this anguish
I'm not even sure how
you'd share this pain
maybe all the loss
really has closed me down again
Thank you for the insights
into other peoples' hearts
maybe I can start brand new
& mend my weary heart

(31)

Tonight poems don't rhyme
& I eat too much
(again)
& I talk myself out of drinking
(again)
the pain grows out of old injuries
but my heart turns up a blank slate
images flash across the screen
hopeful, but naive
none of these options
are really mine to choose
So I look over tonight
I cut my losses &
I head to bed
a new day's just beginning
of a battle
against myself
I need to see
the hand reaching
down for mine
because I'm not sure
if I can stand anymore
at least not without help
Please help me find both will & Word
I don't want this division in me
it's tearing apart my soul
Help me, Lord
take control

(30) You, Darcy & I, Elizabeth

Darcy, darling
you are a dream
but why not make you mine
You're far beyond the man
you seem
I hope that somewhere
down the line
I meet someone with your character
& that they'll see
in me
Elizabeth
Then he will be mine

(29) Onward!

Here's me,
arms wrapped around
my chest
I'll hold myself together
& walk through
these new doors

You looked me,
straight in the eye,
you said
no
No to me.
Not to my love.
No to my heart.

So here's me,
walking away.
Yes, these steps are painful
& I cut myself on
shards of heart
but I'm picking them up
as I GO
& I'm moving on
taking this broken heart
on the road

Someday I'll look
into the eyes & heart
of someone
who says
yes.
Then this broken time
& steps walked on
will all make sense.

For now,
I'll just keep walking
& I'll stop looking back
for you.
Instead,
I'll look forward
for me.

(28) But I'm Wrong

I always thought
that as I got older
my fears of
rejection, abandonment & loneliness
would retreat away & heal
but they only seem to grow
with the death & destruction
the ever looming war
my unanswered letters & emails
the loss being ignored...

Sometimes I worry the fear
has gotten too big
to fight down
& that its shadow
reaches too far to see past

But I'm wrong

& in these moments
I hear you whisper my name
nudging me, reminding me
of who you are &
where I am --
in Your universe

Bleak sometimes leeches
out the colors of my heart
but you always come back in
& burn it to the ground
& begin to start
& color me in anew

Thanks for making me, me
& being extraordinary you

(27) Please

Sugar snap peas & yogurt
cheerful in the middle of the night
Watching Bones alone again
but at least this time
it's one the up & up
Something I want
is moving forward
Some kind of change
Please change
Brain, heart, help
meh
Yet I keep moving on

(26) Green Brain

Roses are red,
violets are blue
NyQuil is green
& so is my weird brain
I'm super tired
& hopefully the NyQuil will save my lungs
Will loosen my green brain
will help me tame the crazy
let's my heart rest