Loki & All Those Redeemable

A friend of mine recently said he just didn't understand the appeal for the bad guys.  Why are women so crazy about villains or guys that are obviously super damaged or the bad boys?  What's with the sudden obsession with every woman, it seems, over Loki?  It does seem like it should be weird, but it took me less than a minute to figure it out.

They're redeemable.

I've mentioned before that I firmly believe every woman wants to be someone's exception, and this is simply an extension of that same truth.  I, like many women, see someone who is hurting, and my immediate instinct is to fix it.  Now, granted, I may have an overly developed sense of empathy, but I think many of us feel that way.

Loki makes this easy to see.  Sure he's gorgeous (he's played by Tom Hiddleston, it's unavoidable) and clearly powerful, but I honestly think what draws many of us to him is that we see his vulnerability.  Gorgeous and powerful, but unsure of who he is or how he can be loved because he's damaged.  Kid finds out he's adopted from an enemy tribe, and snaps because he suddenly realizes his world is upside down and can no longer separate actual affection and true concern for his well being from the jealousy and pain he feels.  He's damaged, but we look at him and see how broken he is and think, I'd love him.  I want to be the one to warm his cold heart and help him see the good he is capable of.  Clearly he could to a great deal to help and protect the world and his people if he choose that path.  Most of us wish we could help him see that.

This particular way of seeing people is something I have always carried with me.  Maybe most people are more adjusted and emotionally together, so they don't do this, but I'm always trying to find a way to redeem what's broken and find the good buried within the pain.

Every relationship I have ever had was, in one way or another, filled with me trying to bring out the very best in another person or heal something I could sense was broken.  Whether I have succeeded in any of these endeavors or not is hard to say.

The older I get the more I can see that part of the appeal of doing this is the selfish desire that maybe someone will be able to do the same for me.  Maybe one of these days, I will have fallen for someone who, though broken, sees the good in me, the potential, and just like me, they'll love me enough to want to bring that out in me.

I want to redeem the broken.  I want to be redeemed.

(68) Rife with Miracles

High hopes & gingerbread M&M's
Not sure where life is going
but at least it's going
there's light again
Rife with miracles
Sometimes you just gotta
hear someone tell you,
remind you,
that your life is beautiful
& that you're work has meaning
Sometimes seeing this side
of morning so many times
make you wonder
if you're still doing
anything right

(67) Nothing Good After 2 AM

Nothing good ever happens after 2 AM
& I like every boy
So now's a good time to shut things down
my heart is not a toy

I spent a couple hours typing
this afternoon
Let the music sing
about becoming whomever
the love of your life needs

& I pause & I wonder
if it always
starts near Halloween
or maybe just with masks
so many turths are missed
because we burden ourselves
with the buried secrets

When Stupid Books Open Wounds You Didn't Know You Had at 3 AM

Here it is the middle of the night, & I am up reading a book I would never mention in public only to find myself crying because I suddenly feel so alone. I find myself wondering if a perfect waist & the right clothes are necessary in order for me to not find myself waking up alone for the rest of my life. In order to be loved by someone beautiful you must be someone beautiful, right?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm shy (which is totally true) or because I made a promise to myself that I would stop being the pursuer & trust that a good man would pursue me. 

Whatever the case, I am alone. I'm unsure of how many more months & years of this I can handle. I feel exposed & unprotected. I spend so much time trying not to be a burden, trying not to impose, trying not to have needs. If I am strong for myself than I can be easy to be around, right?

But that doesn't work. Maybe if I just told people who I felt or asked to be a priority, I wouldn't be a secondary character in my own story. But I'm afraid I'll be too much or that people will reject me. I know I have this demeanor that paints me as alright being always in the background, but it would be nice for just one person to notice. 

In a week, everything will change. A new home, a new job, an illogical leap of faith & new people to meet. Here's hoping that I'll find the courage to be honest about my heart instead of pretending it's not the tenuously fragile & lonely creature it is. Maybe this marks one less night of falling asleep wondering if I'm walking into a quiet future. 

Lord, give me strength. 

(66) Ah. Weeks.

No work, but so many responsibilities
packing & cleaning
a story to write
& books to read
people to visit
places to see
so little money
so little time
& here I sit
Still thinking about rhymes
while watching NetFlix
& avoiding the subject
because uncertainty
is what I see
Sometimes I think
I'm the one avoiding me
because at the end of the day
who should answer any
of these questions
but me

(65) Happy Harvestcandyween

Today is Harvestcandyween
the most festive Saturday
you've ever seen
Full of candy
full of fun
full of laughter
& friends to share
Food & games everywhere
Celebrating the harvest
without the screams
is every happy Harvestcandyween

(64) Inner Monologue

Never expected at 27 to feel

like I'm taking a blindfolded 

leap of faith

across a ravine

on a unicycle 

through a ring of fire

in front of critics

Is that too harsh?

Too complicated or over-thought?

On these late nights,

I can't help myself

my brain scrolls through

every twist, wrong turn, mistake

that brought me here

And I keep thinking

I'm such a fake

Don't they see my fear

Don't they know I have

no idea what to do

when I'm standing here 

Sometimes I see the good

in this heart of mine

but sometimes I worry

my dark is pushing away my light

And my brain asks my heart

Are we strong enough for this?

It's not sure how to answer