Moat

Sitting on my couch reading, I'd put in an old Christmas mix. A cheerful seasonal peace descended. 

But then a forgotten tune began to play. An old friend who use to take the time to record his own versions of beloved Christmas carols. His voice echoing out of the speakers threw me off balance. Though it's only a few years past, thousands of miles and several moves and a million little changes (and several HUGE ones) have helped to create a large space between us. 

This is a part of growing up that breaks my heart. The losing part. Sometimes you have a best friend that you adore and who you can't imagine life without only to wake up one day and realize a moat was put between you while you slept. One where you can see your friend, you can wave, and you can yell greetings or vague statements but you'll never be able to share secrets again. 

The moat turns to ocean, but some nights you can lay on the shore and hear an old beloved song floating on the water...

For the Cold Night

What on earth am I doing?
Seriously, what am I doing?
Am I the girl I see in the mirror or am I someone I have yet to meet?
It's a hard thing to see at times
what with the fog on the glass.
The drink on the window sill is staying cold
just waiting for me to take a breath
--at least something here has the gift of patience when all my patience is gone--

I'll just wait here alone.

The loneliness isn't too bad these days
maybe I'll find purpose yet
Some days I get to be the good fairy
I'd always dreamed to be
some kids want to be princesses
I wanted to be the fairy godmother
(well maybe I wanted to be the princess too..
after all, who doesn't want the handsome prince at the end of the story?)

I'd just like to be wanted
To be needed
To come first to somebody

it's the realization that no one has heard a word you said
that really breaks a joke
or the story
the hope
heart
Nothing makes you feel smaller than silence
when you just need someone to nod and say "uh huh"
(even if they're barely listening)

Do you hear me now?
Or see me?
Am I actually Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense?
I'm the one who has been dead all along?

Be patient with me as I grow
Someday (maybe today) I'll have someone tune my old piano
I'll write some more thank you notes
and figure out how to use YouTube to teach myself new stitches
The poetry I'll read will work it's way deep through my soul
and I won't need to wait because
my soul will bloom on it's own

Suck It

Nothing quite so glorious as being proven right when it feels like hell. 

Disappointment is so bitter, but here I am sipping a glass again. 

Sometimes I can't decide if I have the gift of being a pushover or if I have a sign on me that says "good sidekick/buddy potential" or what, but it can stop. 

Hey! Hey! HELLO! EARTH TO YOU GENIUS! I'm a worthy priority! I'm not a sidebar character to your story! I'm a human being and a woman who is worth being important. If you can't see that you sir are an idiot. 

I thought maybe you actually wanted me, but now I realize I was just an extra in your production that was easy to forget. 

You've got so much potential...don't waste it. I wish you luck because I'm not gonna wait around for you to grow up. I've got better things to do and people who actually care that I exist every day not just when they can pencil me in. 

See ya. 

PCOS

Dear PCOS,

You suck. 

You mess with everything inside of me and push at the depression that already makes me hate myself physically. 

I can never decide which of us started the total destruction of my physical appearance. The depression triggered by losing Zuni helped too, but goodness you didn't help. I wish I'd known how destructive you'd be, but no one ever seemed to know anything. 

And here we are. I've known about my PCOS for 12 years now, but just within the last month come to find out how completely screwed up I am physically. It could be worse. I could have diabetes or ovarian cancer, but so far I'm alright. Instead I've just gained about 100 lbs, am losing hair, have periods from hell every 6 months (or more), and could join an old-timey freak show as the bearded lady. 

Plus you're screwing me over by messing with my already unstable sleeping patterns and upping the ante with my depression (I'm sure my lack of risk-taking or pursuit isn't helping either).

I hate you. I hate that I feel like I'm a failure all the time. I hate not knowing what is me and what is hormones you've unbalanced...

I feel like a crazy person.

I don't want you to rule me or define my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like you are the root of all my issues (even though sometimes I feel like you take up a lot of that space). I just want to prove to myself that I'm stronger than this. 

I will fight you. I will fight you even though I'm exhausted and I feel overwhelmed. I will fight you because I don't want to spend the rest of my life broken and hurt and lonely. 

I will fight you so that I can be a good example to my godsons, my nieces, and my nephews. I will fight you so that someday, if I'm really lucky, I'll be able to have little ones of my own. I will fight you so that I don't have to relive this nightmare of depression and fear every night. 

You suck, PCOS, but you may be the one thing that can make me stronger. 

You can't beat me. 

Love,

Jaymin

Paris

Paris. I am so sorry to hear what's been done to you. This evening I turned on the news and I heard that you'd been wounded. Cruel, hateful creatures had stolen through your beautiful streets and destroyed people you cared for, people you loved, people you'd been proud of. I am so sorry. 

Paris, this world sometimes feels so overwhelmingly full of callousness and darkness, and tragedies like this push us to the brink. The amazing things is how blinding the light is that shines through our brokenness. This Friday will be one that haunts us for generations, but I pray that it will cause us to renew our strength and friendship and love for one another. Life is so short and so fragile. Sometimes it is stolen from us, but let us chose to hold together and love. 

Paris, you are so beloved. France, I stand with you. Hatred may oppose us, but we stand for love. Hate can never win. 

May God give us peace, healing, and strength to carry on and love deeply. 

To Charlie!

In the wake of this loss, a few words:

I can't claim that I was close to Charlie. After working with him for a year, I'm not totally sure he ever learned my name (let's be fair, it's hard for people at times), but I can tell you this: he was a great guy. Everyone liked him. He was sweet, funny, and loved to tease the staff. He will be missed. 

To Charlie!

May the next life bring you good lungs, good bacon at every breakfast and a glass of brandy with every lunch!

Day 31: God

Dear God,

Thank you. 

Thank you for the crazy month of October. Always crazy it seems, but I am grateful. Thank you for my incredible family, for my sweet friends, for renewed friendships, for my godsons, for the changing leaves and allergy medication. Thank you for giving my a home to live in, great co-workers, and a steady paycheck. 

Thank you for reminding me of what I've left behind and what's worth fighting for. Thank you for showing me, yet again, how blessed beyond measure I am. Thank you for showing up for me. I am always blown away by the ways you choose to speak. Your kindness and live blow me away. 

And your patience, Lord. Thank you for your patience when I am stubborn and your grace when I fall. 

Thank you for loving me. I love you, Lord. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin

Day 30: Mom

Dear Mom,

Thank you. 

I could not be blessed with a better mom. You always make time for me and listen when I need to just clear my head. I always feel bad for dumping out all my issues on you, but you always listen with so much kindness and understanding. 

Thank you for reminding me that of my light when I'm feeling like I'm failing miserably. You help me remember that the story is still in development and there is still magic and color to life. 

Thank you for seeing the best in me even when I'm crying and sound like a crazy person. I am grateful that you are willing to remind me of who I am and that you love me. 

I love you, Ma. You are the kindest, sweetest, most compassionate woman I know. I want to grow up to be like you. 

Thank you. 

Love,

Jaymin