Collab 6b: 4AM

Collab 6: 4Am

There are still nights when I question

If I'm in it for the right reasons

Am I selfish?

I always wanted

To be something good

For the people around me

For my family

For friends

For strangers

But, mostly,

Always,

For you

Some nights I worry,

Did I trick you into

Believing I was/am truly a good thing?

Is this just the ghost

Of a past that I know

I can't run from?

A reminder of a melody

That use to set me on fire

To burn me to the ground?

The words still sting

"You're too much."

"You could look better

If you dressed this way."

You should

You could

Why are you?

Those echoes never leave

I know I'm not perfect

I look in the mirror every day

(As if I needed the reminder)

And I see my flaws

Not just the scars

Or the stretch marks,

But the triggers and wounds,

The sins I hide 

The bitter words

The fears that I let 

Tie me down and hold me back

From all that I could,

Or should,

Be doing with my life

For me and you.

I know the shadows that still linger

Just know,

Please just know,

I love you

Collab 5b: Saftey Pins

Collab 5: Saftey Pins

Some nights I shift through Pinterest 

And I find a million new craft projects

And beautiful art by people

Who inspire me to carry forward

With my own rogue artwork 

But then suddenly 

The pictures creep in

Baby clothes

Parenting advice

What to expect when you're expecting 

And my heart aches a little

I shoo it away

(Or tuck into

The quiet corners of my heart).

I sigh.

The love of my life 

Is asleep next to me on our couch

Tucked into my side

Keeping me warm

And safe

And reminded of the pure joy

and blinding intensity 

Of our love.

But between the sweetness

Of his sleeping face,

My dreams,

All these crafts that make my brain think

Pinterest understands me too well...

I close my eyes and I sigh again

I speak to God about

The dreams I have tucked into 

The corners of my heart again,

And I try to hold onto the hope

That one of these days

That all these odds and ends and pins

Will culminate into action

And a small bundle of promise

With tiny hands

And tiny toes

Justice for Mr. Floyd, and a Prayer

A man was murdered 

Again

A black man

Living his life.

Not fighting 

Not resisting 

But murdered

By a cop

Surrounded by cops

White cops

Aren't we supposed to

Be done with this

By now?

How can we be

THE LAND OF THE FREE

When so many in

Our country

Still fight against cruelty 

Thrown at them

Simply because they're 

Not white/caucasian 

George, Mr. Floyd 

He shouldn't have

Been murdered

By the men

Who claim to

Serve and protect

This man's story matters

George Floyd matters

Blacklivesmatter 

He deserves justice

God, please

Grant us peace

Grant us mercy

Grant us love

And PLEASE

Grant us justice 

Please help us

To be better

To be kind and just

To stand with our

Fellow humans

Because we all deserve

Safety and love

And justice

Help us be the good

And to stand for those 

Who cannot.

Thirty-Four

I turned 34 today. As always, my birthday feels like a surreal experience. Still does. I'll spend the whole year struggling to remember how old I am, and I'll finally get it to stick about the time I turn 35. Ha. Every year.

I think I figured out what my main hopes/goals/dreams are for this year.

First, I'm going to schedule ankle surgery. I'm not excited in the least because it will really screw up my finances, but hopefully I'll come out the other side with an ankle that isn't in a constant state of swollen pain. I just want to be able to crouch and kneel so I can talk to the little ones and play with my niece and nephew easily. Plus it'll make working and cleaning much easier. I want to be able to happily go on walks again. I miss that.

Second, I want to find a new job. I am incredibly fond of my coworkers, and my job isn't terrible, but I need something that doesn't rely exclusively on this body of mine. I was subtly reminded by my bosses today that my restrictions are incredibly inconvenient, and that it is unfair to my coworkers that I can't help with all the aspects of this job. It was just the most cheerful way possible way to start this birthday. 

Lastly, I am hoping that sometime this year that Tyler and I find out we're going to have a baby.  We really would love to have little ones of our own. 

And now I guess I pray and hope and do what I can to make this happen.

Hopefully.

Some Final Thoughts on 33

No broken ribs since the last birthday. Excellent.

Got to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. Glorious.

Spent the week after Christmas building a crazy Stranger Things Lego kit that Ty bought me for Christmas. Biggest build I've ever completed, and it was aggravating as all heck part of the time, but it turned out awesome.

Getting to live through a pandemic with the love of my life. Nothing feels right or normal anymore aside from the family we are now.

Dyed my hair pink. Again.

Lost an aunt and uncle to long term illnesses without Ty ever getting to meet them. They were both incredible people who loved well and deeply and were loved just as much.

Got to hold my niece and start loving on her. She's precious and a complete joy.

Got to see my nephew walk for the first time and also celebrate his first birthday. He's getting so big!

Had to buy a new car from a real dealership as an actual adult. Realizing in the process that I have no credit because I still don't have a credit card and I don't have loans. Life is weird.

Had many, many talks with God. Some hopeful for the future. Some looking for peace. Some crying out in pain and frustration and anger. I've been awed as ever in the fact that no matter what obstacle I have or rant or cry or anything, God takes me in stride. He knows my heart and my intent, and He loves me just the same.

Loved and was loved by my husband every day. He is a gift beyond measure. 

It's not all or exciting great, but it's mine. I am grateful.

Love,  me