(40) Soon.

Sure enough,

you break my heart

I really just want

a hand to hold &

your lips to kiss

It won't be long

before your arms

are around me

& you're laughing with me

I'll give you a list

of my favorite things

most of the list will be you

(& maybe tea)

Pumpkin cider & blankets

laughter on this couch

time marches forward

& I still can't wait to meet you. 

You gorgeous creature

my dreams are filled with you

(39) Help Me Let Go

God, let me let this go

a full 2 years (...3?)

of bitterness 

all for something--

someone 

I can't ever have

What's the point 

of holding on

to loneliness

when it's a love 

that will only kill me

slowly,

painfully,

& I don't want to

seem heartless

but holding on...

Holding on any longer

with this death grip,

white knuckles,

clenched stomach,

it just hurts

Who would choose this?

This love sick life,

I tell myself I'm fine

that this is over 

I'm not still splinters

of who I wanted to be,

but I let it come to this

So break me open

call me out

tear off the callouses 

& clean up these wounds

They've been open too long

Help me, Lord

help me escape

& heal this stupid,

broke, angry, hurt heart

Because until its cleaned out

I'm never gonna be happy 

Never gonna be helpful 

Never gonna give or get

real love,

true love

Help me, Lord

help me to save

this heart, to

save me

(38) Those Who Risk

Everyone seems to think

that I'm an adult

but I'm beginning to

suspect it's a lie

You believe in me

all you want, but

I make no guarantees

My plans tend to fail

possibly from lack of planning

but certainly

with lack of faith

It's just easier

sometimes

to not strive for things

or dreams

because the crashing down

of disappointment feels

somewhat beyond inevitable

Those who risk

win

that's clearly not my motto,

but it should be

No regrets, right?

Maybe I need to watch

Meet Joe Black with tea

& cry

& remember who I use to be

Then let the past collide

with the present

singing The Longest Time

& become the best bits

of me

The ghost should say good night

It's time 

(37) You've Already Got My Heart

Each time I think about it
I can't stop smiling
having you handed to me
your tiny perfect fingers curled
around my finger
I've never quite experienced
what it felt like
to hold you
In my hearts vast space
you can have whatever room
you'd like

(36) Love. New. Love.

Strained eyes & leather couches
waiting, waiting, waiting
pink visitors pass & one finished book
pages of texts, updates, etc.
Still no baby
2 days of this?
3 more hours & we'll hit 48
Maybe October babies
really are marathon babies
I think I'll have my
babies in the spring
that way I can dress up
as the Death Star for Halloween
& eat extra stuffing & Mom's mashed potatoes
& no one will judge me

But waiting.
Waiting for news
or a nurse
or sleep
or a new niece
At least the wait will be worth it
when I get to hold this new light
in my arms
She's mine
Maybe not blood,
but my family all the same
This is looney,
but I couldn't be more cheerful
our new heartbeat
born into this world
I'm already in love

(35) Melody & Malachi

Time seems to expand
& shrink
in the presence of such immense
change
New life coming in to the world
hearing brand new heart beats
is a sound I'll never grow tired of
such a comfort to know
pure things, new things
can still exist & endure
Welcome little ones
Welcome home

(33) Face Your Fear

There's nothing
quite so terrifying
as having someone you love
cheerfully inform you
that you're about to face down fear
Maybe they don't see the
terror in your eyes
or maybe they're excitement overrules
Whatever the case,
whatever the cause,
you'll be staring it down by weeks end
your best friend reminds you
to breathe
a lot
Lots of deep breaths
& make yourself tea
(maybe we would do better in the U.K.)

And I've done all this
& I'll see it through,
but I still don't know
how I'm ever to face

You