Nightmare

Favorite things of this very moment (10:31 am):

• http://www.necroticobsession.com/gothname.html (It's a Goth name generator...haha. And mine is HORRIBLE!)
• Being awake
• Apple Fizz
• Candy Corn (and in my favorite tiny Tupper Ware container)
• Books (preferably good ones)
• Friday (as a weekly occurrence, thank goodness)

I had a nightmare last night. You have to understand, I don't have nightmares. Well, I do, but they are a rare occurrence at this stage in my life, and now they are not always the kind where the bad guy is about to get you...sometimes I wish they were.

It was hard to wake up this morning. I woke up with this horrible feeling that someone was about to give me the worst news of my life, but I shook it off. All I could remember at that point was that I had had this dream where Kayla, Jay and I were talking about going to see Kimmie preach when she comes home in a little over a week. That dream wasn't bad. Jay had said he wanted to come with us even.

And that's when I remembered..."new friend Jenny." In my dream, I had this horrible sense of despair. He showed up at church one Sunday, and there was this absolutely beautiful girl. Perfect looking, long dark hair, she looked like a cross between Jen Welty and Aric's new girlfriend. I knew exactly who she was: NEW FRIEND JENNY. *sigh* As it was during church, it wasn't as if I could run off and cry. It brought back all these horrible memories of Jeff breaking up with me right before church. And weirder than that, in this dream, Jeff showed up. He was at church. I didn't expect it at all, and neither did anyone else apparently. I ran over and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. He did that whole cheesy spin-the-girl-around thing you see in movies when long lost friends/brothers/boyfriends/husbands return and they spin you around. Yeah...and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Jeff was there, but I knew things still weren't the same, he hadn't changed, he was just lonely and new I'd be around, I wanted to cry because the tall blond musician had found someone else, someone so much more perfect than I could ever be, that he had confirmed all my fears, and that I wasn't worth fighting for at all...just like Aric did (I mean, come on, if he had cared, he would have said something!), and I couldn't cry because I needed to be upfront to sing. *sigh*

I thought about this dream while I was getting ready this morning. I was more frightened that maybe it wasn't completely a dream. Sometimes my dreams show me something I haven't been able to put together before, or they confirm and idea, or it's just God's way of saying, "Look kid...here's the deal..."

What if it is? What if the despair was real and this has been a waste of my time? All this waiting and waiting and waiting...what if this is God's gentle way of telling me that I'm about to get my heartbroken again? What if "new friend Jenny" is real? I mean, I know she's actually a person, but what if she's winning his heart. What if all of this has been in vain?

I sound like Riley Armstrong's song "What If." Such a good song. I may have to make myself a mix. Something that will try to help me convince myself this is all in my head and that it's going to work out somehow. Or at least that my nightmare won't come true...

Follow?

Favorite things of this very moment (9:26 pm):

• Walden by Henry David Thoreau
• My flannel sheets
• The little orange box that's flashing at the bottom of the screen telling me Ben's talking back
• That Youklis and Ortiz just got home runs back to back
• Shane checking up on me
• That I had an 11% higher test score than the class average (57% was my score...yeah...bad)
• Taylor Swift's self-titled cd
• The. Sweetest. Mix. Ever. Vol. 2 (Compiled by J for J)

I need a nap and a good cry. I have to work tomorrow, I'm exhausted emotionally, talking to Kyle somehow just seemed to emphasize all the blah, but did (on the upside) remind me that I have wonderful friends. Bizarre, and wonderful.

I really am not a fan of days like this. I've been up and down, up and down. Maybe part of it was the excessive caffeine boost in the Java Monster followed by listening to lots of negative blah followed by talking to Shane followed by BLARING Taylor Swift and singing excessively off-key and loudly and practically crying for no reason followed by work followed by a lot of Thoreau followed by coming home followed by finishing making dinner followed by talking to Kyle followed by wanting to cry for no reason that's worthwhile and being picked on by my Uncles for cheering for the Red Sox (as I have since they were down 3 games in the Pennant in 2003 against the Yankees) followed by checking my email followed by talking to Ben.

I want a Boston Red Sox baseball cap (I'd even take a pink one), more warm milk, and memory foam slippers.

Good night.

Bold as Love

Favorite things of this very moment (1:59 pm):

• Cool weather
• Crayons
• Advice from bartenders (hmm...maybe I should do that)
• Green post-it notes
• Pete in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton"

I've decided that Topher Grace's character in "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" is probably my favorite character in any movie. I want Pete. He's my hero. He loves Rosie for her details. He's just a good guy. A good friend. He's not perfect, he gets jealous, he has faults, but you know what? He tries. And that's what matters. He stands up for Rosie. He...yeah...

That's the kind of person I want to be. I want to be an amazing friend, and have a huge heart. I want to stand up for the people I love. But most of all, I want a guy to be strong for me, and I want to be worthy of his strength.

In Repair

Favorite things of this very moment (6:14 pm):

• The silver and teal thermos that has traveled with me constantly for the past 4 or so years (especially as it is accompanying me tonight while I am trying to write at the library)
• John Mayer. Enough said.
• The bright, gorgeous, fiery colors of fall that inspire me
• People who actually recommend books, and like to talk about them
• Autumn sunsets
• Packages from friends
• Finding a song that can perfectly mirror your heart at a given moment in time
  

And now, to share the song that is a reflection of my heart:

In Repair by John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

It's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could by ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

And now I'm walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I'm never really ready
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there

This song if...it's me. So very me. I've been reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and I really do feel it's showing me what I've been lacking. Every night I read a little bit more and I keep underlining things going, yeah, that's me. That's what my heart looks like! Don't get me wrong, these are not all good things. I've been domineering, I've been manipulative, I have hurt so many people I love and so many others I do not even know...

But, I'm in repair.

I want to be the beautiful woman God has created me to be. I've hidden my heart from so many who deserved to see it and shown it to several who never deserved it and only caused me to believe I had no worth. How could I have done these things?

I've been trying to fill a God-shaped hole with all the wrong things. There's a song by Plum called "God-shaped Hole" (or something close) and it talks about how each of us has a God-shaped hole in our hearts and we know there's something missing. I've been aching for a long time. A slow, dull ache that made me feel so lonely and unloved. And instead of turning to God, I've turned to so many other people and things to try and fill that hole and cover that ache: men, food, money...

None of those things helps. And I've always known that, but I've always been someone who, for one reason or another, has to learn the hard way. This has definitely been one of those times.

I am learning to fill that ache with the only thing that works: God. He is the only one who can fill this ache, and He will repair me. I just have to let him.

Now is a time of joy, I have been shown several of the areas that I have been hurting myself. I have covered up all traces of my femininity, all traces of my beauty, hidden my gifts and feelings, and most of all, I've hidden my true heart. In doing this, I have avoided being the woman God made me to be. This must change.

I am beautiful. I am lovely. I am here for a purpose, and God will see me through.

And so, I'll leave you with the wise words of John Mayer, "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there..."

All You Need Is Love

Favorite things of this very moment (7:35 pm):

• Good mix cds
• Ohio State cups full of ice tea
• That the Colts won this afternoon
• Talking to Ben & Nate through IM
• Going to lunch with Jeff & the incredible tall, handsome blond man...
• Balcony seats for parades
• Accomplishing anything
• Having Monday off

This weekend has been lovely. I've had do deal with so many lousy things that honestly, having a weekend with no real responsibilities was been lovely. I didn't even work at the booth...I don't remember a time prior to now that I haven't worked there (well, outside my year at ABC). I needed some time.

Again, I have nothing brilliant to say. I wish I did.

Lunch today...glorious. Nothing but ludicrous comments, good food, and lots of laughs. *sigh* That could not have been better (well unless a certain boy had decided to confess his undying love for me, but that's the only real improvement we could have).

Patience is easily the most frustrating thing to have to learn, but I'm tough. God created me to be strong, but fragile, I am a woman, and though my life is hard at times, I really enjoy it. I just need to appreciate it and be willing to take risks when they need to be taken.

It can only get better.

To Reinvent

Favorite things of this very moment (6:45 pm):

• My laptop
• My long-sleeved white knit shirt that I wear under everything
• Tall, blond me with glasses who make life incredibly awkward while discussing the swimsuit competition of beauty pageants ("Oh, they'll know...")
• The fact that no matter what stage we are in or point we are at in our lives, we can always change or reinvent ourselves
• My covenant ring because it keeps me grounded and reminds me of all that I look forward to and long for (see prior note about tall, blond...)
• The kindness of strangers (but completely not in the Scarlett O'Hara way)
• Blowing bubbles with my gum
• Facebook Virtual Bookshelf
  

I decided to delete all the books of my facebook virtual bookshelf expect for the ones that I'd read recently. I've already decided that in January, I'm going to delete all the books I have listed and start over. I figure that will show much what I'm reading and make life a little more interesting for me. It's silly and small, but it will keep me entertained. I've always wondered how many books I read in a year, and I figure it's time I check this out. *shrugs*

Bizarrely enough, Kimmieboo and Jereme may be coming up this weekend for AOP. I am strangely nervous about seeing Jereme for the first time in over a year. I get so dumb sometimes. So self-conscious.

Whatever happens, this weekend should be interesting. AOP always is. A lot of people that have grown up here hate it. Mostly guys. It's a craft weekend, so I don't really blame them, but I like AOP for reasons far beyond the crafts. To start there's the Renaissance fair up at the castle and there's the rendezvous out at LOMC. There's GREAT food. Funnel cakes, gyros, walking tacos, cookies. But, my favorite part is the fact that I can walk through this huge group of people and either be invisible or find someone to say hi to every couple steps. I feel safe in this giant surge of people. It's a very strange feeling, but I really enjoy it.

I wish you could legitimately give surveys to people who fascinate you without it seeming creepy. There are so many things I would love to know about people, but I never feel like I have a good way of asking. Simple things like favorite colors, movies, books, foods...I always feel silly asking. But I want to know. I always want to know. There's always something more to learn about others and I'd love to know it.

And how often are we asked questions like this and we completely blow them off? Or we try to answer them and then realize that they really don't care? That they just wanted a way to bring up a topic so they could tell you all about what they think without ever actually listening to your answer...

I don't want to be like that either. I want to learn and to be learned about. I want to be sought out, fascinating to someone else.

Eh, eventually. Well, enough of my rambles!
Good night.

Lists

Favorite things of this very moment (15:02 pm aka 3:02 pm):

• Ella Fitzgerald
• Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge
• Real mail
• Knowing this weekend is going to be great
• Crocheting blankets, especially this one because it's for a little boy I just can't wait to greet after he enters this world. *smiles*
• Ellipses
• Having the order for Harvest Happening figured out finally and having it be right about half my budget, so there's plenty of cushion in case we still need things later on
• Tall, blond guys with glasses who play guitar, write their own music, and have wonderful voices (well really, there's just one that's my favorite, but let's not name names)

Things that are truly frustrating to me as of this very moment (15:04 pm aka 3:04 pm):

• Military time on the computer (I keep changing it, and it keeps going back...grr)
• The fact that my old softball softball injury is aching because of the weather changing
• My hands are already starting to dry out
• "new friend Jenny"....
• Allergies
• Sleeping, but still feeling tired
• Instant pudding not being NEARLY instant enough...geez (do NOT use soy milk...apparently this causes it to go from "instant" to "eternal" or at least to "maybe-tomorrow-if-you're-lucky" pudding. Jeepers.)

Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories everyone should read:

• Young Goodman Brown
• The Black Veil
• The Birth Mark

Favorite songs as of Today:

• "The Lady is a Tramp" by Frank Sinatra
• "Stay With Me" by Finch
• "Girl, I Wanna Lay You Down" by Zach (from Jack Johnson's band)
• "Solid as a Rock" by Ella Fitzgerald
• "Like the Angel" by Rise Against
• "Hopeless" by Train
• "On Call" by Kings of Leon
• "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5

Alright, enough of these crazy lists. I don't have anything helpful, encouraging or revealing to say today. I just...well, I like lists. bwahaha.