Plagiarizing Love

Dear Fictional Charcter/Real Liar,

You broke my heart. You did. I know it's stupid because I only talked to you for a couple of weeks, but I believed in you. 

Do you have any idea what a struggle it is for me on a daily basis to believe in myself? Any idea how long it takes me to really trust another person? How about how many times I've been left alone by liars?

No, of course you don't. Why would you put someone you don't know through something that will break their heart yet again and cause them to retreat a little further into their shell? 

I keep telling myself this isn't a big deal. You were probably just a jerk who was trying to steal someone's identity, but part of me is terrified. What would've happened if I had asked you to meet me alone? You weren't who you claimed to be, so would you have shown up? Are you a serial killer? Were you planning to assault me in some way? I don't have money or connection, so there's no real benefit to messing with me. 

I just don't understand why you'd be so cruel. 

I thought you were so kind. It's been a long time since I had encountered someone so kind. You asked questions and listened to my answers. You seemed so real. It's been years since I had any hope, and I finally felt a spark reigniting in the quiet of my heart. 

But you aren't real. You're a series of someone else's pictures with new words. Plagiarizing love. 

The worst part is how I so desperately wish it had been real. You were all the things I longed for. Well, the character you'd created sure was. I guess it just goes to prove I want something that's too good to be real. Could this be more painful?

Oh right, it's also embarrassing because I'd actually told a few people about you in an attempt to get good advice and figure out what I needed to do to pursue a relationship with you. Explaining what happened has been a delight. Everyone is now heartbroken for me and the looks of concern and pity have been fun. Even better when they're replaced by confusion on why I can't just get over this since the relationship I was developing with you wasn't real anyway...

Alone, alone, alone, alone...

Why couldn't you have just left me alone? Ignored me like any other guy? At least then I would be stuck with the loneliness I'm accustom to and not the loneliness of knowing how great it feels when you believe someone wants you and sees you and wants you to know them fully. Why did you have to make me aware of what I want, but can't have?

I hope you see this come back around to you because I don't know what else I can do. 

Sigh,

Jaymin

All You Had to Do Was Not Mess Up

This has been a complicated couple of weeks compounded in to this last few surreal days. 

I fell hard for a guy I met online. Which was an asinine thing to do, but I don't think I realized just how lonely I'd let myself become. You spend years walking alone, and then someone shows up who makes you feel hope when you'd forgotten entirely what that feels like...it's difficult not to fall. Suddenly I was interesting to someone who was smart and kind and polite and funny. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel wanted and desired. 

So I let myself start to believe that maybe maybe this was going to be different. This guy would stick around maybe. He wouldn't decide to date my roommate or marry the first girl who would sleep with him or decide I was just a little sister or his best friend or that he was gay or cheat on me. No. Not this guy. He was actually going to be an actual human man with a functioning heart and morals. 

Hahaha

But it wasn't to be. Instead, he turns out to be some creep impersonating some other guy on the Internet. I've spent more time crying in the past couple days than I've done in years. I hate crying. I hate feeling like I'm an idiot because I let myself hope for something. I hate that I'm making people who love me worry because suddenly they're seeing how broken I am because this exposed all the cracks in me. I hate that this wasn't real. 

Just once I'd love to see what the real thing is like. To get a chance a relationship like my folks have or my brother and sister-in-law have or like my friends have. But then I immediately feel like a jerk for selfishly wanting something so badly. 

I'm tired of wanting something I can't ever seem to have. I'm tired of feeling hollowed out and then not being able to express myself without everyone always worrying. I don't like feeling like a burden or a chore or a challenge or a worry. 

I am so blessed by the love and friendship of so many, so why am I so selfish and feel like it's not enough? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just shut off that desire? 

Why?

The Moon's Girl

I use to tell myself

Stories about the moon

How the moon was

In love

With a girl

She was spectacularly average

Nothing anyone noticed

Or desired

But the moon 

Could see the truth

While she slept

Her dreams shone 

Bright as the sun

And the moon 

Would peak from behind

The tree outside 

Her bedroom window

Just to see the curve

Of her smile 

As she dreamed

But the girl

Never knew the moon

Loved her

As she slept the night away

Whiner

My head feels a little broken

Even with music playing 

This night feels too still

If it was a little warmer 

I'd have the windows open

The local drunks slurred chatter

Would be a welcome break from 

This uneasy silence

Just a Dream

The problem is

this is just a dream

I'm not really

waking up in

a room full of sunlight 

with peach colored roses

in a vase on the dresser

and you laying with

messy dark hair 

by my side

your hand on my stomach

your legs tangled in mine

the smile on your beautiful 

face promising me

perfection for all my

remaining days

Luck

I should know better

After all this time

But here I am

Laying in the dark

Listening to my heartbeat

You are an unprecedented 

Stroke of luck

That I don't seem to comprehend 

How can anyone be so lucky

As to turn a corner 

And find something as 

Beautiful as you?

Here I've been walking 

All this time

Only finding potholes

And puddles and broken glass

When suddenly before me

I see a whole field 

Of sunflowers in full bloom

That's what it's like

Finding you