Some Final Thoughts on 33

No broken ribs since the last birthday. Excellent.

Got to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. Glorious.

Spent the week after Christmas building a crazy Stranger Things Lego kit that Ty bought me for Christmas. Biggest build I've ever completed, and it was aggravating as all heck part of the time, but it turned out awesome.

Getting to live through a pandemic with the love of my life. Nothing feels right or normal anymore aside from the family we are now.

Dyed my hair pink. Again.

Lost an aunt and uncle to long term illnesses without Ty ever getting to meet them. They were both incredible people who loved well and deeply and were loved just as much.

Got to hold my niece and start loving on her. She's precious and a complete joy.

Got to see my nephew walk for the first time and also celebrate his first birthday. He's getting so big!

Had to buy a new car from a real dealership as an actual adult. Realizing in the process that I have no credit because I still don't have a credit card and I don't have loans. Life is weird.

Had many, many talks with God. Some hopeful for the future. Some looking for peace. Some crying out in pain and frustration and anger. I've been awed as ever in the fact that no matter what obstacle I have or rant or cry or anything, God takes me in stride. He knows my heart and my intent, and He loves me just the same.

Loved and was loved by my husband every day. He is a gift beyond measure. 

It's not all or exciting great, but it's mine. I am grateful.

Love,  me

Collab 4b: Stories

Collab 4: Stories

I use to write stories

About someone

I thought I knew

They weren't half bad

But they, apparently, 

Weren't true

Collab 3: Adrift

Lost.

These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.

Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. 

I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. 

There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.

How can we be so selfish?

And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments  or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)

All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.

I'll do my best.

I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream

Nothing lasts forever.

Collab 2: Fourteen

Collab 2: Fourteen

Dear Zuni,

I miss you.

You've missed so much. Every time I see a new movie I love or hear a great song or discover a new poem, I wish I could call you and share. 

I drove through Riverview this morning. I know you're not there, but I thought maybe I could feel you. Instead, I nearly had a panic attack because not only could I not feel you, I couldn't find the two graves I visit. Too many dead. Too many.

I bought myself orange juice and peach schnapps. You would've thought it was hilarious because I had to look up the recipe for Fuzzy Navel, and then I couldn't remember where the hell they keep schnapps in the liquor department. Brilliant.

Came home and made myself a drink. Probably the only occurrence in history where I bought things specifically to make myself a drink. I just don't drink. I'm sure that's no surprise to you, but I'm drinking one for you today.

A toast!

To the man who convinced me to write

To the man who made me laugh and who knew me deeply

To the man who helped me regain my faith that good men exist

To the man who spoke in code on my front porch

To the man my mother always loved to feed

To the man who once put condoms on my christmas tree

To the man who gave the worst/best dating advice

To the man who told me the story of "The Wind Cries Mary"

To the man who made me mix cds and understood the stories I told in mine

To the man who told me I was every man's dream girl

To my best friend

I miss you.

I love you.

Yours,

The former Ms. Cheatwood now Mrs. Ewens 

Collab 1b: Blender Brain