Certain

I wish I was certain.

God has been so fantastic to me, has blessed me with some much and through so many people in the past year, and has proven time and time again that his love, provision and timing truly are perfect.  It's not God that I am doubting today...it's me.

A friend of mine has found the man she believes she is going to marry.  She believes this more than just about anyone I've ever met, especially considering they're not even dating at this point, but she is certain.  I realized today that I am jealous of this about her.  She is convinced through and through that this is where her life is heading.  That it really is on course to join in life with this man she believes so much in, and that God is working to help her do this.  It amazes me every time we talk about it.

You'd think this would be something I would doubt, but somehow her certainty makes me believe this is actually possible.  The saying that "crazier things have happened" could very well be at play here.  It wouldn't surprise me anymore.  I hope she is right and that this is exactly what God is helping her head towards.  I hope this man is everything she dreamed of and more and that he sees her the same way.

I just wish I could be that certain.  Not just about a guy (although that wouldn't hurt my feelings at all), but about life.

Right now I am finding myself wondering what really comes next.  Ohio?  I'd like to think that's exactly where I am meant to be next, and that's where I intend to be in the spring, but what then?  Do I write?  Do I work at a pretzel place in the mall?  Do I do both and keep working towards something else?

I guess I'm just not sure what goal is worthy of my heart.  Perhaps it's the tired for being sick so often, from being sick again today, but it worries me that I am struggling to find a future to work towards.

My prayer is just to be able to see with clarity and find the joy.