Justice for Mr. Floyd, and a Prayer

A man was murdered 

Again

A black man

Living his life.

Not fighting 

Not resisting 

But murdered

By a cop

Surrounded by cops

White cops

Aren't we supposed to

Be done with this

By now?

How can we be

THE LAND OF THE FREE

When so many in

Our country

Still fight against cruelty 

Thrown at them

Simply because they're 

Not white/caucasian 

George, Mr. Floyd 

He shouldn't have

Been murdered

By the men

Who claim to

Serve and protect

This man's story matters

George Floyd matters

Blacklivesmatter 

He deserves justice

God, please

Grant us peace

Grant us mercy

Grant us love

And PLEASE

Grant us justice 

Please help us

To be better

To be kind and just

To stand with our

Fellow humans

Because we all deserve

Safety and love

And justice

Help us be the good

And to stand for those 

Who cannot.

Thirty-Four

I turned 34 today. As always, my birthday feels like a surreal experience. Still does. I'll spend the whole year struggling to remember how old I am, and I'll finally get it to stick about the time I turn 35. Ha. Every year.

I think I figured out what my main hopes/goals/dreams are for this year.

First, I'm going to schedule ankle surgery. I'm not excited in the least because it will really screw up my finances, but hopefully I'll come out the other side with an ankle that isn't in a constant state of swollen pain. I just want to be able to crouch and kneel so I can talk to the little ones and play with my niece and nephew easily. Plus it'll make working and cleaning much easier. I want to be able to happily go on walks again. I miss that.

Second, I want to find a new job. I am incredibly fond of my coworkers, and my job isn't terrible, but I need something that doesn't rely exclusively on this body of mine. I was subtly reminded by my bosses today that my restrictions are incredibly inconvenient, and that it is unfair to my coworkers that I can't help with all the aspects of this job. It was just the most cheerful way possible way to start this birthday. 

Lastly, I am hoping that sometime this year that Tyler and I find out we're going to have a baby.  We really would love to have little ones of our own. 

And now I guess I pray and hope and do what I can to make this happen.

Hopefully.

Some Final Thoughts on 33

No broken ribs since the last birthday. Excellent.

Got to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. Glorious.

Spent the week after Christmas building a crazy Stranger Things Lego kit that Ty bought me for Christmas. Biggest build I've ever completed, and it was aggravating as all heck part of the time, but it turned out awesome.

Getting to live through a pandemic with the love of my life. Nothing feels right or normal anymore aside from the family we are now.

Dyed my hair pink. Again.

Lost an aunt and uncle to long term illnesses without Ty ever getting to meet them. They were both incredible people who loved well and deeply and were loved just as much.

Got to hold my niece and start loving on her. She's precious and a complete joy.

Got to see my nephew walk for the first time and also celebrate his first birthday. He's getting so big!

Had to buy a new car from a real dealership as an actual adult. Realizing in the process that I have no credit because I still don't have a credit card and I don't have loans. Life is weird.

Had many, many talks with God. Some hopeful for the future. Some looking for peace. Some crying out in pain and frustration and anger. I've been awed as ever in the fact that no matter what obstacle I have or rant or cry or anything, God takes me in stride. He knows my heart and my intent, and He loves me just the same.

Loved and was loved by my husband every day. He is a gift beyond measure. 

It's not all or exciting great, but it's mine. I am grateful.

Love,  me

Collab 4b: Stories

Collab 4: Stories

I use to write stories

About someone

I thought I knew

They weren't half bad

But they, apparently, 

Weren't true

Collab 3: Adrift

Lost.

These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.

Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. 

I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. 

There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.

How can we be so selfish?

And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments  or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)

All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.

I'll do my best.

I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream

Nothing lasts forever.