Large Stones

Today marks the fact that it's been exactly one year since Sarah Callaway died in a car accident. The weather is reflecting that. It's cold and grey and raining sheets of water. Not a terribly pleasant day, but I did already finish my homework for tomorrow, and in a little while I will be reveling in a long hot shower which I truly, truly want. Before I do that though, I felt it was time to start a new experiment with this blog.

I've decided to use this as a way to help myself be held more accountable for my actions. Maybe a minor public confession will help me to start truly accepting myself for who and what I am, and remind me that no matter what, there's always hope and I can always change.

Let's start here: I often find myself feeling like I could quite possibly pass for a hippopotamus in a tutu (well, at least I would if I ever actually wore a tutu, but you know what I mean). I can't remember a time in my past where I truly could look at myself in the mirror and go, "You're a beautiful woman." Yeah...not really a common thought for me.

I do not want to live the rest of myself thinking there is always something horribly shameful with myself or without the hope that I can change.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Another thought:

The other day my five-year-old son asked my wife, "Mom, what does sexy mean?"

She thought about it for a second, and then she replied, "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you."

Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside.

-from Rob Bell's book Sex God

I read that yesterday night and it just has been running through my head ever since. That's the definition of sexy I want to fulfill. I don't need to be a size 2 (which I never will be) and I don't need to fall into the media's label of "sexy," but I do need to start feeling good about being myself.

God created me, and even if for no other conventional reason at all, I am, in fact, beautiful.

Yesterday night, I grabbed my coat and bundled up and started circling my block on foot. It wasn't too cold yet, and the wind was blowing just enough to help me clear my head. In walking in circles, I found myself discussing the events of the past few weeks with God. Soon, I found myself discussing my mistakes for the past 5 or 6 years. Maybe in doing this I was beginning to unravel the mysteries of what has been tangled up in my head, and the ache that haunts me. I can't claim that my walk last night as cured me of anything, but I can say that it helped me start putting a little better perspective on things.

Michael's sermon yesterday morning was, of course, on the resurrection of Jesus. Easter is a wonderful day. A wonderful celebration of hope. He was talking about different responses we should have in looking back on what Jesus did on our behalf. One of the things he discussed was overcoming obstacles. He talked about how Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James didn't just sit idly by. They went to Jesus tomb so that they could finish preparing his body. They knew there was a huge stone over the tomb, and they weren't going to let that or the Roman guard stand in there way. None of the obstacles mattered, not their grief, not the fact that they might get into trouble with the Romans or with the Jewish Council, they just went forward so that they could do what needed to be done.

Joseph of Arimithea has a similar story. The man is part of the Jewish Council, and when Jesus dies, it says he gathered his courage and went before Pilate to ask for Jesus' body. This would make him incredibly unpopular with his peers. He was going against the wishes of the Jewish Council simply because he knew it was what he could do.

What are my obstacles? Where am I failing?

I need to forgive. People in my past, misunderstandings, myself. I need to let go.

I need to get up in the morning with the reality that God will not fail me. That the words of I Corinthians 10:13 are true. God will always provide a way out for me.

I need to live with hope. Hope not only that Jesus will return (which I do not doubt at all), but also that I can change. That I will change, and that I am the beautiful woman God intended me to me.

Life moves. Let me move with it.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:16 am CST):

• Pictures of the turdillo
• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Psalm 66:12b
• That the day has only begun, and I've already gotten a few things accomplished. Party. Bonus.
• Warm clothes
• Knowing that a nice shower is on my immediate horizon